Broken Bella Donna

{July 15, 2011}   Feeling rotten.

I feel really, really crap. Having lots of problems with my spazz attacks lately.

In fact for some odd reason, the idea of blogging has been causing minor ones which is massively disappointing, as I’ve recently used blogging as a way to sort through problems and feel better. So for this to start being a trigger? I’ve completely lost control.

That is what is causing me so much distress at the moment. For the last ten years or so, I’ve had a fairly reasonable handle on things. I have understood my issues, and have been able to work around them and successfully hide most problems. but for some reason these last… christ… I’d say three months (but possibly much longer if I really think about it) that handle has broken.

Generally I can rid myself of these spazz attacks by removing myself from the trigger. The unfortunate thing ATM is I cannot do this. Which is causing them to grow, and grow, and evolve into something nasty. Often, the worse I feel on the evening of whatever, the less likely I am to feel shit on the day. You see, the trigger of my spazz attacks is often simply expectation. Over thinking is often the bane of my existence. I’m praying this to be the case this time.

Ugh. I’m so tired of feeling like this. Please go away.


{July 7, 2011}   My Disclosure Post.

Another day, another blog…

So I’m a noob. Will be interesting learning my way around here… the lurks and perks. This is my, uh. Fifth blog? So it’s always interesting to compare them.

With any luck, no one I know IRL will discover this one and ruin all my fun. With any luck this will be my fifth and last blog – and I don’t mean that in a fatalistic way.

So who am I, and what do I hope to gain from this blog?

I am another random female, needing to purge her feelings, thoughts, whatever through her keyboard and into the world. I am a most erratic creature: this blog could find itself host to anything from celebratory fun posts, to dark and misery filled ones. I use my blog as an outlet, a replacement for the friends I simply do not have in real life. I use it as a sounding board, a place to get my thoughts in order – just talking helps me to do this. My previous blogs have often been used as a place to sort my proverbial ducks into a row, and settle my mind.

I do suffer from a form of mental illness – not a ‘popular’ one, but one that can definetely affect the mood of my entries. I shall endeavour to refer to these as my spazz attacks, if I remember to do so. My blog is infinetely useful for my spazz attacks, as talking through them usually works to give me peace of mind.

(I’ve never started a blog with an entry confessing this before – then again, I think this is the first blog I’ve started with the understanding that I NEED to blog to feel better. So there you go. I am learning something after all.)

I’d be lying if I said I hoped to keep this blog private – after all, if I had hoped to do that, wouldn’d I just use a word document on my hard drive? I like the opinions of others, I also enjoy knowing that someone is appreciating my work. Funnily enough I really do think I’m an ok writer. Just… not for fiction. My last blog made it very hard to find people within the blogging community, so with any luck I can develop some blogging relationships in here!

However, I do want to keep this blog private from people who in fact know me outside of blogging. So lets hope I’m successful with this venture. I have had people before stumble across my blog who know me, and it always ends up with them quite upset that they weren’t mentioned, or they were mentioned, or they were mentioned negatively, or someone else was mentioned more positively… people around you, they should only know the you that you want them to know, in whatever capacity you’re happy with. They shouldn’t know your every thought on any one topic. It removes the mystery and leaves you vulnerable. And starts arguments.

Lastly, I am…

  • Funny
  • A dog owner
  • An owner/builder
  • A photographer
  • Very handy
  • Tall
  • Immature in many aspects of life
  • In love with slippers
  • Vain
  • A person who uses big words
  • Flawed
  • Loved by the wrong men
  • Unaware
  • Hyper aware
  • Growing. đŸ™‚

et cetera