Broken Bella Donna

{September 17, 2011}   Happy space.

(This is frustrating and sad. I used to love blogging – why is it such a chore now? Where is my motivation?)

Feeling happier lately, some jobs that were hanging over my head are being completed, which makes me relax. I hate having things hanging around being undone, I can’t relax.  Every time I pick up one of my craft pieces all I can think is “You really shouldn’t be doing this. You should be doing*whatever needs doing*”. So then I’m not doing what I need to do, but I can’t relax either.

Life seems like such a trial these last 18  months or so. I am really super keen to get back to being happy. It feels like I’ve taken on too much, and that I won’t be able to relax until I chop some of the excess out.

I’m also downsizing my crap ATM. I need to get rid of some ‘stuff’, I’m surrounded by piles and piles of it and funnily enough, that always causes me angst too. Believers in yin and yang and fung shui and chi etc may feel like that angst is justified.

I just want to simplify life. I want to get rid of ‘stuff’, I want to stop eating processed food, I want to live off of tank water and home-grown and make my own stuff. I want to minimise my reliance on others. My whole family, we’ve always lived as much this way as we can but there’s a lot of changes that could be made to make it better, more simple. I want to try these.

I’ve been hearing a lot about buddhism lately and I’m liking what I hear. I’ve always considered myself to be an atheist (bad religious experiences growing up) but recently I’ve realised that I am, in fact, agnostic. I’m not sure if I believe in organised religion but I do believe that it’s important for people to have something they believe in – if for no other reason than it gives you a set of guidelines to live by, and I think we all need that, lest we end up in anarchy. But as far as organised religion goes, I like buddhism. I’m considering looking into it further. But do I really want to tell people I now consider myself religious, after having spent so long hanging shit on it as a concept?

I’m growing up.

I am also – whether this be related or not to the above paragraph – considering meditation. I’m told it’s extremely good for those of us who suffer spazz attacks, but I find it easy in theory but VERY hard in practice. My brain wont shut off. I can’t stop my mind from wandering. I think I’ve only successfully stopped it three times since I started trying, and the first time I fell asleep. I have to focus in on something and concentrate just on that – for me, it’s bird song. I rest outside in the sun, and focus on the varying bird calls and find myself… feeling like I’m actually separating from my body, like if I open my eyes I will see myself sitting there. It is strange but exhilarating and I feel like I’m becoming addicted to it, which is not good. Trying to hard to reach that creates the inability to do so. Is out-of-body feelings part of meditation? I have no idea..

{September 4, 2011}   When…

When do you stop being a kid?

I just wanted to do something nice for you for Fathers Day, something I’m good at, something I thought would make you happy.

And it ended as it often does and now I feel sad, because you spoke down to me and ruined it. And you haven’t even told me what you thought.

I’m so tired of trying to prove myself to people, people who I know wont ever be happy, people who nothing is never enough. And I’m old enough to know this and understand it, but when it’s your own parents… I just can’t get past that.

It feels like a reflection on me.

If I’m so bad even my own parents don’t think I’m any good… what hope is there for me?

If your own parents think you’re crap, you really must be shit.

{September 3, 2011}   Anybody out there?

Coroner had no end result, he just had more questions. SO we still don’t know.

I once had a blog where you could enter a line, with a click on the toolbar… that separated the different topics. I really liked that, and have never found a blog that does it since. Boo WordPress!

So… a million blog worthy thoughts have passed through my grey matter since I last wrote, but for reasons known not even to me, I don’t feel like blogging ATM. Once upon a time I enjoyed blogging, and I did it quite a bit. More recently I’ve used blogging as a method of sorting through my thoughts, and relieving some of the build up of stress. And now? I have no idea what blogging means to be. Which is sad.

Is it because I don’t have as much stress in my life? Highly unlikely. I’m still stressed, though not as much as I have been which is nice.

Is it because I don’t have an audience, therefore no one to appreciate my writing? I think this is certainly a part, and possibly a large part.

Is it because I’m so bloody busy lately I have no desire to regurgitate what I’m doing onto the internet, and too tired to need to sort through my thoughts? Possibly.

Lately I haven’t been speaking my personal thoughts to anyone, I’ve officially become someone with no real friends and certainly no one I confide in. This makes me an unhappy panda. You’d think that this would cause me to blog MORE but seemingly not.

In saying that… at least there’s no one around to disagree with me or look down on what I have to say. In real life, or online. So that’s a bonus.

et cetera