Broken Bella Donna

{October 31, 2011}   What do you do?

What do you do when your ex orchestrates a situation to get you alone?

What do you do when he asks – very nicely (in fact in the same tone he asked for a kiss, the first time you kissed) – “Can I please have…?” as he comes at you with his arms open, to envelop you (without permission) in a big hug, and a kiss on the cheek (which was aimed lipwards, and missed due to the reciever deliberately turning her face).

What do you do when he says “I just need to feel a real woman”, as his hands quickly slide to the cheeks of your butt, pulling you towards him and crushing you together.

What do you do after taking hold of and removing his hands from your behind, telling him no and pushing away he repeats this another TWO times, the final time holding you to himself whilst you fling your arms outwards in sacrifice, loudly stating “I’M NOT ENCOURAGING THIS!” (his answer? “I know you’re not.”)

What do you do?

What do you do when he does all this immediately before telling you the only reason he’s still with his wife is it will cost him too much to leave her? What do you do when you know that really, by not slapping him and telling him to fuck off, you really ARE encouraging this? What do you do when deep down, this encounter made you feel good?

I need to tell him to fuck off. If he isn’t prepared to do the right thing, one of us should. But deep down, I’d be lying to myself if I said I’m not enjoying having the attention of a very charming man. Even if he is a sleazy player.

{October 24, 2011}   Hoppity hop.

I still feel like Alice down the rabbit hole.

I just feel so damn weird. I can’t remember if this happened the last time I was having big problems with spazz attacks or not.

On edge, a constate state of slightly agitated. Almost twitchy. I may as well start taking ice, I feel like I’m on drugs anyway without any of the highs. In saying that I’ve never taken drugs,  so what do I know? Everything feels like an opportunity to become tense.

I need to scale back life and revert back into my shell until I feel brave enough to venture forth again. This is the problem. I’m kinda over committed to too many things, things I have big holidays from and then start again. The issue is now I’m into the holiday section of them and this gives me time to allow the fear to fester… meaning when it starts again I’m going to be stupid stressed. But I just don’t know how to get out of it without looking like a twat?

And feeling worried, it makes everything else around me so much bigger.

I got abused by someone on facebook last night, a fake account of someone I’m pretty sure I know in real life. I can’t understand why they attacked me like this – I suspect I know who they are. And this person has always given me the vibe of disliking me. I just can’t understand why they attacked like they did. It’s a little distressing. What did I do to deserve that?

The more you stick your neck out to help others and do things in a community, the more you get your head cut off.

I just have no idea, I really don’t. I’m tired of being stressed right now, I’m tired of my life. And my life isn’t even a bad one… I’m just… over being me right now.

{October 16, 2011}   The weirdest feeling

Having a weirdly, strangely Dr Seuss-y kinda time.

Things just feel so odd at the moment, a variety of different combative feelings.

A voluntary committment I’m involved with is at its peak at the moment. Feeling a bit spazz-attacky about the whole thing, but that’ll pass soon as it’s over. I seem to have gone backwards back into a rut with my spazz attacks, and I don’t know how to fix this. Some say to just keep plugging away at it until your brain re-wires but it’s hard to do that when these things come up so rarely. So I’ll make do. I’m frustrated that this topic seems to come up nearly every blog post… but that realistically portrays just how much it dictates my life.

Lately, I’m hungry but I look at food and my stomach lurches. That’s how I roll. Food is sustenance, but also a missile to be used if I start to spazz.

Anyway, not all is bad!

I’m having a strange time of it with the opposite sex also. I was told yesterday that someone I used to be friends with (but no longer speak to) was very close to professing his adoration to me a few years ago, which freaked me out. Because he’s old enough to be my father. I was told this by a mutual friend who I am starting to get to know, who I kinda get the feeling is semi interested, and also reasonably senior to me.

And then there’s That Guy. He has a girlfriend, which is at contrast with the way he behaves around me. Perhaps he’s very gentlemanly and likes to talk to me because I’m closer to his age than some. But I kinda get the feeling otherwise. Shame about his bloody girlfriend!!!

As usual, nearly all of my trials are about men and spazz attacks. Grrr. I wish I had a friend to rant all this to and get some feedback.

{October 9, 2011}   Death.

The hardest part about losing you, is night, when you are so close yet so impossibly far away.

I hate the first rain… I hate knowing that you’re getting wet. That I can’t take you, and dry you off, and cuddle you and make it all better. Christ, I even felt like clawing the soil to get you back, just to touch you one last time, and to take you somewhere more comfortable… it shatters me inside, even though I know it is part and parcel of life and death, returning to the soil… I could handle it so much better knowing you were dry. And comfortable, I suppose, or as comfortable as death can be. Then again, I think we are where we are now because death WAS the more comfortable option.

I want to take you back and kiss it better and apologise… all the apologies… always feeling sorry. That it wasn’t enough or wasn’t better or…

I stand by your grave and wish you good night, as I would have had you been with me, by my side where you belonged. Then I move into the dark shadows where no one can see my tears, and look up to the black sky, pick out a star and do it again… I don’t know what exactly I believe in, but for now, this makes me feel better.

I haven’t cried today.

I miss you. I love you still. Life is lonelier without you in it, but I know you’re better off where you are now. For some reason this doesn’t hurt like I thought it would, but it still hurts.


{October 4, 2011}   Changes, changing.

I keep leaving blogging until I’ve forgotten all the good stuff I was going to blog about, and end up prattling on one paragraph per stupid thought.

I used to be friends with a guy. We spoke most nights, there was no romantic interest on my behalf (I hasten to add) but now… we catch up rarely and he just shits me to tears. He’s so self obsessed. He just wanks on about himself and expects me to remember every mundane aspect of his life… and never bothers to stop to take a breath long enough to ask how I am until I’ve long-lost interest in the conversation. Giving a shit is a two-way street. And the worst part is I suspect he’s always been like this, but I never noticed or was more prepared to tolerate it, simply because I had no other friends. Incidently, there’s no point to this paragraph, I’m just sick of it.

I used to be friends with another guy, who also happens to be an ex. The friendship was never the same after the ‘ex’ prefix entered the description, and now I’m older and allegedly wiser I see that this is more often than not a given, and that when men say “We can go back to being friends if it doesn’t work out”, they’re lying. (So are women if they say it, probably, but I’ve never had one say it to me.)

After over a year of non communication due to a fallout, I touched base again via a social media page… and surprised myself. I didn’t really give a shit. In polar opposite to what I usually do, I didn’t get over excited to see the message icon, and I actually kept forgetting I was waiting to see if he’d reply. (He did.) And I’ve been wondering ever since… what does that mean? Is it final proof that I didn’t love him? (I don’t think I really needed proof.) Have I grown up and matured? (Grown up yes, matured is arguable.) Am I reading something into nothing? (Probably.) Is what he did really that unforgivable? (Yes.) It’s so unlike me to walk away from a friendship like this, it leaves me wondering why.

Second (and third, and forth, and…) guessing is my ‘thing’.

Life is ok at the moment… I’m trying to make changes. I’m trying to incorporate a more spiritual, peaceful thread into my life… I have no idea if this is working. I feel that perhaps peaceful wont really mix with my spazz attacks, and they’ll be battling each other, leaving me feeling more concerned. It’ll be some demented good vs evil battle, with my mind being the battleground.

I’m also trying to declutter my life, and get rid of some of the crap. I will have plenty of room when I move for all my stuff, and yet I don’t want to take most of it with me. I feel almost like subconsciously I’m trying to get rid of the old, I don’t really want things crossing over between the now, and the future. I’ve done this once before, but not to this degree. I sure do have a lot of shit to get rid of though. No doubt the local opportunity shops will benefit. One mans trash is another mans treasure!

One thing I do need to ‘get rid of’ but don’t want to is one of  my pets. Elderly and failing in health, the time is gradually coming upon us to say our final goodbyes. Not that I will. I don’t do that. I’ll just pretend like nothing is happening and let someone else bury her like I always do. (Healthy? Nu.) I’ve had some time to get used to the idea, and had a good cry the other night to release all the pent-up emotions and now… now the other person in the house who has been talking up how ill she is suddenly now wants me to take her to the vet ‘incase it’s something we can fix and she has years left in her’. WTF? It’s taken me AGES to get into a mental headspace to do this… and now you’re trying to talk me out of it? Emotions are fragile things. Esp. when it comes to terminating 17 year old pets. Gnah.

I feel…

  • Like I have no friends, and this doesn’t really concern me any longer.
  • I am starting to get back on top of the spazz attacks, but only because the triggers have been removed.
  • That I have a lot of work to do to catch up on my 2011 committments.
  • I want to lose weight but want dessert more!
  • Like I’m not aging well, physically, and part of this is a relief.
  • Like the cards are starting to fall my way again.

et cetera