Broken Bella Donna

{October 4, 2011}   Changes, changing.

I keep leaving blogging until I’ve forgotten all the good stuff I was going to blog about, and end up prattling on one paragraph per stupid thought.

I used to be friends with a guy. We spoke most nights, there was no romantic interest on my behalf (I hasten to add) but now… we catch up rarely and he just shits me to tears. He’s so self obsessed. He just wanks on about himself and expects me to remember every mundane aspect of his life… and never bothers to stop to take a breath long enough to ask how I am until I’ve long-lost interest in the conversation. Giving a shit is a two-way street. And the worst part is I suspect he’s always been like this, but I never noticed or was more prepared to tolerate it, simply because I had no other friends. Incidently, there’s no point to this paragraph, I’m just sick of it.

I used to be friends with another guy, who also happens to be an ex. The friendship was never the same after the ‘ex’ prefix entered the description, and now I’m older and allegedly wiser I see that this is more often than not a given, and that when men say “We can go back to being friends if it doesn’t work out”, they’re lying. (So are women if they say it, probably, but I’ve never had one say it to me.)

After over a year of non communication due to a fallout, I touched base again via a social media page… and surprised myself. I didn’t really give a shit. In polar opposite to what I usually do, I didn’t get over excited to see the message icon, and I actually kept forgetting I was waiting to see if he’d reply. (He did.) And I’ve been wondering ever since… what does that mean? Is it final proof that I didn’t love him? (I don’t think I really needed proof.) Have I grown up and matured? (Grown up yes, matured is arguable.) Am I reading something into nothing? (Probably.) Is what he did really that unforgivable? (Yes.) It’s so unlike me to walk away from a friendship like this, it leaves me wondering why.

Second (and third, and forth, and…) guessing is my ‘thing’.

Life is ok at the moment… I’m trying to make changes. I’m trying to incorporate a more spiritual, peaceful thread into my life… I have no idea if this is working. I feel that perhaps peaceful wont really mix with my spazz attacks, and they’ll be battling each other, leaving me feeling more concerned. It’ll be some demented good vs evil battle, with my mind being the battleground.

I’m also trying to declutter my life, and get rid of some of the crap. I will have plenty of room when I move for all my stuff, and yet I don’t want to take most of it with me. I feel almost like subconsciously I’m trying to get rid of the old, I don’t really want things crossing over between the now, and the future. I’ve done this once before, but not to this degree. I sure do have a lot of shit to get rid of though. No doubt the local opportunity shops will benefit. One mans trash is another mans treasure!

One thing I do need to ‘get rid of’ but don’t want to is one of  my pets. Elderly and failing in health, the time is gradually coming upon us to say our final goodbyes. Not that I will. I don’t do that. I’ll just pretend like nothing is happening and let someone else bury her like I always do. (Healthy? Nu.) I’ve had some time to get used to the idea, and had a good cry the other night to release all the pent-up emotions and now… now the other person in the house who has been talking up how ill she is suddenly now wants me to take her to the vet ‘incase it’s something we can fix and she has years left in her’. WTF? It’s taken me AGES to get into a mental headspace to do this… and now you’re trying to talk me out of it? Emotions are fragile things. Esp. when it comes to terminating 17 year old pets. Gnah.

I feel…

  • Like I have no friends, and this doesn’t really concern me any longer.
  • I am starting to get back on top of the spazz attacks, but only because the triggers have been removed.
  • That I have a lot of work to do to catch up on my 2011 committments.
  • I want to lose weight but want dessert more!
  • Like I’m not aging well, physically, and part of this is a relief.
  • Like the cards are starting to fall my way again.

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