Broken Bella Donna

{November 10, 2011}   You just don’t know what you’re capable of…

Until you’re in the situation. Or so I have discovered in the course of my turbulent life.

Ask me five years ago and I’ve have sworn black and blue to you that I would NEVER EVER be ‘the other woman’. I could never respect a man who put anyone in that situation, and I couldn’t do that to another female. He would be nothing but a rock ape in my eyes, a sleaze, a player, a sad and pathetic excuse for a male. And any woman who knowingly went with a man who is in a relationship would have no respect of mine, and I would look down upon her.

And now?

I still feel that those things are largely true. I am not ‘the other woman’. I am not in a relationship with a man who is previously promised to another.

However now I find myself looking for loopholes… Ok he’s married but he’s unhappy. She is such a bitch to him, she’s just about driven him to this. I had a relationship with him prior to them even meeting. He never stopped having strong feelings for me. I’ve taken all the cliches barring “We’re meant to be together” (we’re not).

In a different world where I was more ‘normal’, yeah I think I would’ve wanted a relationship with him – but in a different world I think I would’ve remained with him the first time and this would all be moot. In this world, it just isn’t realistic. This isn’t stopping him from pushing his luck, and leaving me feeling very unsure in the mean time. I am a mental mistress – I have not and will not crossed that line. However in my mind? He has me rethinking everything, and wondering where everything stands. I feel mixed up. I feel like I’m obsessing over what was, what could’ve been, and what is appropriate now. (I know the answer to that last one. And it’s “what he was doing six months ago, not what he’s doing now.)

This doesn’t stop me wondering ‘what if?’

This doesn’t stop the way he makes me feel.

This doesn’t stop how much I enjoy the attention.

This doesn’t mean I will be that other woman…. but by god, I am starting to understand how some could.

It goes to show you never can tell.


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