Broken Bella Donna











{December 30, 2011}   Alice. Rabbit hole.

I… don’t know. I must only blog these days when I’m feeling insecure or weird, as it strikes me that all of my writing is along these lines and I hope like crazy that this isn’t me; this isn’t representative of who I am. But I’m kinda scared it is.

In the past I’ve written some of my most poignant stuff… what I call “eyes closed fingers flying”… that is to say, I touch type my thoughts as fast as they come out, with no heed towards grammar or punctuation unless it fits in my brain. I think this is likely the closest I will ever get to presenting my very self, my inner thoughts, me, to someone else. I think this may be my first for this blog, no doubt not my last.

Here goes. Eyes closed, fingers flying.

*ahem*

I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore, everything, even the simple things in life like study or friends that I always knew have left me. There is no continuancy or flow any longer and I feel disrupted – this is not going well with my spazz attacks. In saying that it’s probably healthy for me to run from them and embrace this randomness however… who can? It isn’t my nature.

And this inherent desire to be loved and appreciated,ย  it wont go away. And I wonder is that normal? Do normal people feel this way? Or is it just those who were never appreciated or loved in their growing up years (how very American ofย  me) who grasp for affection in the strangest of places? I get angry if people on forums think ill of me. I just NEED to be loved. And now I have two married men fawning around for my attentions, and I enjoy it. Meh. There is it, I said it, I enjoy it. I will not encourage them necessarily but at the same time I’m making no efforts to discourage. Again is this normal? I have no idea. Who knows what normal is these days.

When men compliment me… I get this ache in my chest, right between my breasts, deep in there – I suspect somewhere in the heart region. I have no idea what this could mean or, indeed, if that’s normal too. It isn’t a light flutter of excitement, it’s an ache. Like it’s a bad thing. Why would my brain consider being called beautiful (albeit by a married man who claims to love his wife dearly) a bad thing? Or is this a more primal thing, bypassing the brain?

An I can’t stop thinking about you. About all the silly little things. And the only positive of this is that it’s removed any space in my brain for me to think about him. But really you’re just a replacement in my head, slotting into the position of the guy who can’t get past me, and weย  all know that it’s all crap and I’m just making up shit in my head to make myself feel better about life, because simply, I have naught.

Sighs.

WTF does all that mean, I have no idea.

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I don’t think you’re weirder than the average person … well, perhaps a bit, but that might be a subject for another time ๐Ÿ˜‰ Everyone needs a place where they can let down their guard and say the things that they would never admit to people face-to-face. Maybe, for you, this is your place.

I think your inherent desire to be loved and appreciated won’t ever go away, because that’s the way we’re both hard-wired and socialised – what nature gave us has been reinforced by nurture. Society particularly reinforces for women … the desire to please others, sometimes at the expense of ourselves. If I look back, I can remember myself doing insanely ridiculous things to please others that were no good for me, because I desperately wanted their attention, approval and appreciation. Of course, the rub came when I expected that other people would act the same way towards me because they wanted to achieve the same outcome – which of course, they didn’t. It became, and still is now, a source of endless frustration, anger and disappointment. So, to answer your question, I think the need to be attractive by others is definitely inherent in our natures, but it’s also enhanced by the expectations of living in society – one impacts on the other.

On another tangent, I wonder if the appreciation coming from married men makes things easier for you, because you can still have the buzz from being found attractive without it ever becoming “serious” … in other words, it’s safe for you because it’s a situation in which there are still boundaries that can’t be crossed, enabling you to keep a distance between yourself and others that’s comfortable for you. Perhaps that’s the reason for the “spaz attacks” as you refer to them – they happen when people cross that line into a space where you feel more at risk of something bad happening.

Of course, all my theorising could be completely off track and full of shit. I’ll still post it anyway, and let you be the judge of what it’s worth ๐Ÿ˜‰



Your third paragraph is irritatingly correct and has also crossed my feeble grey matter. It’s why I enjoyed it so much until He started indicating he wanted more. I am a married man prick tease ๐Ÿ˜‰



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