Broken Bella Donna











{January 28, 2012}   A collection of randomness.

It’s been awhile. I’ve been sick. Nothing too exciting, just a summer cold. It did leave me feeling like I’d been hit by a truck there for 48 hours, due to sleep deprivation though. I have no idea why, but since my landmark birthday I’ve gotten sick three times as much as I usually do. I have been pondering what has changed to provoke this, and I have no clue.

IT has dawned on me, not ten minutes ago in fact, that You are stuck in the same old headspace I am. I often don’t ‘move on’ from friendships, no matter under what circumstances we fall out. I will always wonder what happened, or why it happened, or if you still think of me, blah blah blah. I will fight the urge to contact you constantly. Lucky for everyone I have reasonable self-control.

Here’s the rub. One of you… hasn’t moved on either. Your life has changed, your circumstances are definitely different and yet on the odd occasion we have touched base? YOu are the same. The rest, they ‘grow up’, they become other people, but you are the same you you’ve always been. And I ask myself why? And why am I trying to read into this? And I think I failed to really express what I’m thinking here, but seeing as I’ve only been thinking it for ten minutes… is probably why.

Cough. Cough. Hack.

 



{January 21, 2012}   Upcycling

I’m stupid-crazy-nuts about this at the moment.

I want to fit out my home with lovely, unique, awesome recycled pieces that show my personality and (luckily for me) are cheap.

I love the idea of recycling goods to make them worth more, I love the idea of creating pieces that are art, or useful, or whatever that represent yourself and fit into the scheme of things so seamlessly that you don’t even realise that they’re recycled.

I first fell in love with this, as a concept, the day I decided I needed to buy a second hand colander to turn upside down, drill a hole in the bottom of and then use as the  light shade for my kitchen light. I have since found the PERFECT colander for the job, and it cost the princely sum of $2. (who knew colanders came with star shaped drain holes????)

I again fell in love with the concept the day I decided it was well and truly past time I threw out a coat I have loved since the day I bought it, ten years ago. After ten years of service, the cuffs and hems have worn and the collar has cracked… making it scratchy and not very nice to look at. Then I thought hey… why not make it into some very sexy cushion covers for my office sofa?

And THEN I decided that maybe, one day when I’m feeling confident, I might even try to make a little money from this new passion by selling upcycled cushions made from opportunity shop leftovers.

Fingers crossed this isn’t just another of my pipe dreams that never get anywhere…



{January 20, 2012}   Omens

Hrm. I believe in omens. I believe that you can be in the right place at the right time to catch something… anything… that means something to you.

I listen to the radio when I’m bathing. First an old Blink 182 some came on, I think it’s called All The Small Things. It was one of my (dead) ex bfs fave songs. I smiled and thought of him.

That got me thinking of people from my past, inevitably one guy who I used to be very close to who has been playing on my mind a lot. One who I’ve been considering touching base with again, against my better judgement.

A few songs later? A song by The Offspring – one of his fave bands. Ooo thinks I, an OMEN! Then I realised what song it was…

You gotta keep ’em separated…

WTF does THAT mean?



{January 14, 2012}   Midgets?

I just read the word widgets as midgets.

Feeling a little lonely and unloved at the minute. Spending too much time thinking about stuff I shouldn’t be dwelling on. People I shouldn’t be dwelling on. Reading flattering messages from men who mean nothing to me, just to remind myself that I’m still desirable.

It’s such a stupid circle. I find myself desiring attention and orchestrating chances to gain it, from men that it’s inappropriate to expect it from… non threatening men… technically… until it becomes threatening and freaks me out. The older I get, the more complicated this all seems and I thought it was meant to be the other way around?

Most of the time I don’t feel lonely and I know that by being single, I can be my own person – no one to answer to, I can flirt, spend my own money, do what I want and I KNOW that in a relationship, I’d feel smothered and irritated. And aren’t I so STRONG that I can do this and not feel like I need to be vindicated by others??? And that other 10% the time I feel miserable, like I’m washed up, on the shelf, not worth the bother.

Just feeling that 10% a bit today.

My dog is going through some health problems. Problems that are similar to a massive cancer scare we had not all that long ago. Reminds me that he isn’t infallible, and that I will lose him one day – my pets are the only things allowed under my skin. I have a feeling this current crop could well end up the last I have… for all the joy they give me, that understanding that they too will hurt me is enough to tarnish it.

I usually fancy myself glass half full in life – I like to hope for the best. But when it comes to matters of the heart I am definitely glass half empty…

I am still eating breakfast every day. Go me!



{January 12, 2012}   Shit rolls downhill.

It’s funny how she gets so upset that he lashes out at her when he’s pissy, so upset in fact that she lashes out at me, and then when I snap back she cracks the shits.

Boo fucking hoo. Please don’t try and kick me around just because someone else is kicking you around and you haven’t got the guts to stand up to them. I am not that weak and I will not stand for it. If this upsets you – this is your problem. Not mine.

Life is rattling along at present – and my spazz attacks seem to be under control. Hooray!

And again, I have so much I want to say but the inability to translate my thoughts into words. Just random snippets of gibberish.

So?

J – I am so tempted to email you to touch base, because I think I’m ready to – are you?

M – I removed myself from that situation because I no longer feel safe around you, you scare me, you cause me to spazz. I don’t trust myself around you and I wont be that girl. And I truly do not want you to be that guy.

? – is the reason I’m feeling better now, because I know you’re interested? Am I truly that fickle? I think so.

I’m so glad to have things under control. I want to go back to being that person I was when I was happy.

I wish I could get motivated to complete my project. Having it hang over my head is just… driving me nuts.

I need to finish my studies and I need to do it soon.

Maybe I should get onto that instead of trying to formulate sense out of gibberish.



{January 6, 2012}   Frustrating

It’s very annoying when your own mother can spend time with other peoples kids, and gush about how clever they are, how talented, blah blah. And yet she can’t bring herself to say anything positive about her own children – neither when they were young, nor as adults.

I do not like the fact you refuse to even taste my cooking and yet complain when someone else adds pepper to yours, citing that they didn’t even give it a chance before assuming it wasn’t tasty enough.

I do not like the fact than when caught out in conversation as being wrong, you lie instead of admitting it.

I do not like the fact that – just now, literally as I type – you have proven both of the aforementioned points by throwing out half of what I cooked you, and when called out on it you lied about it and tried burying it under other scraps so I couldn’t see.

I do not like the fact that you criticise me to anyone that will listen; I’m a crap pet owner, I would make a poor mother, I’m not as thin as I think I am.

I do not like the fact that as I get older, and speak with other relatives I’m discovering that your past is a lie, one that you’ve dramatised to make yourself out to be hard done by, when it really wasn’t that bad.

Mostly? I do not like the fact I’m living in fear that I may well turn into you.



{January 2, 2012}   The year anew

I was once asked by someone I used to be friends with if I had made a new years ‘revolution’. I thought that wasn’t entirely inappropriate – as every new years we all do an about-face and swear we’re going to change, and by the end of the year we’re all the same, ready to revolve again come January 1st.

Courtesty of definitions.net…

(n.) resolution
a formal expression of opinion or intention made, usu. after voting, by a formal organization, a legislature, or other group and/or the act of resolving or determining upon a course of action, method, procedure, etc.

So.

I again this year was asked by another friend (hello) if I had made a new years resolution… I said no, that I don’t do that, that I feel my self-improvement is an ongoing job and that I don’t need to start a new year to continue it. Or something pious, to that effect.

Upon checking the definition of resolution… I stick to this opinion. Instead of a new years resolution, I set myself goals that I hope to achieve, and I’ll be happy if I at least make some effort, even if they become unattainable.  I do not resolve to do something, I aim to. Sometimes my goals have tangible end results, sometimes they don’t – the fact is I often can’t measure the success. Is this the same thing? In my head it isn’t, however I suspect that comes down to interpretation. To me, resolutions are promises, whereas my desires are simply hopes…

Why set yourself up for failure?

So my goals for 2012?

  • To implement better eating  habits – breakfast is my key goal at the moment. I’ve never been a breakfast person and I’m hoping that by incorporating it into my diet – if not every day at least regularly – I might feel better. I’m also aiming for more fibre, less carbonated drinks and opting for wholemeal or multigrain over white. Have had some niggling health issues lately and I’m hoping these changes might sort them out.
  • To implement better exercise habits – this one is due for failure because I swear it all the time and it never happens. This goal is for nothing other than vanitys sake; I hold little interest in how exercise can help my health, I just care about shedding a few kg.
  • To finish my building project – now that one CAN be a resolution! As I bloody well CAN measure it and I’ll be filthy if I haven’t achieved it. This is a project that should’ve been completed by now, and quite frankly it’s affecting my happiness and potentially life quality at this stage so I’m dead keen to do this. If I can achieve this one, it may well make implementing better exercise habits easier too. Triple word score.
  • To cut back on life’s little stresses and  relax. Anyone who has read this blog in its entirety knows I have a problem with spazz attacks and stress. I am in the process of palming off some of my commitments so that I can try to reign in the stress.
  • Learn to be happy again. By cutting back on my stress and participating in things I enjoy. And again, getting this building project completed will remove me from a certain amount of the negativity in my life. (I feel like I’m hanging a lot on this project…)
  • To cut back on a lot of the clutter in my life. I know this has come up in previous posts. I just have too much junkity junk. I’m taking a multi pronged attack to this goal – I’m hoping to sell some, box up some of it to opportunity shops, give some of it away and to simply use up some of it – people give me gift packs of scented products and I end up hoarding them because they smell too nice to use. Well. I’m gonna use them this year!
  • And most importantly? I just want to do the right thing FOR MYSELF, every opportunity I can. Instead of doing the right thing for everyone else.

Fingers crossed that 2012 works out successfully, and that I can look back on it come December 31st, and be happy with my life.

Assuming we’re all still alive. Aren’t they threatening some end of the world crap for December 22nd or something???



et cetera