Broken Bella Donna

{January 14, 2012}   Midgets?

I just read the word widgets as midgets.

Feeling a little lonely and unloved at the minute. Spending too much time thinking about stuff I shouldn’t be dwelling on. People I shouldn’t be dwelling on. Reading flattering messages from men who mean nothing to me, just to remind myself that I’m still desirable.

It’s such a stupid circle. I find myself desiring attention and orchestrating chances to gain it, from men that it’s inappropriate to expect it from… non threatening men… technically… until it becomes threatening and freaks me out. The older I get, the more complicated this all seems and I thought it was meant to be the other way around?

Most of the time I don’t feel lonely and I know that by being single, I can be my own person – no one to answer to, I can flirt, spend my own money, do what I want and I KNOW that in a relationship, I’d feel smothered and irritated. And aren’t I so STRONG that I can do this and not feel like I need to be vindicated by others??? And that other 10% the time I feel miserable, like I’m washed up, on the shelf, not worth the bother.

Just feeling that 10% a bit today.

My dog is going through some health problems. Problems that are similar to a massive cancer scare we had not all that long ago. Reminds me that he isn’t infallible, and that I will lose him one day – my pets are the only things allowed under my skin. I have a feeling this current crop could well end up the last I have… for all the joy they give me, that understanding that they too will hurt me is enough to tarnish it.

I usually fancy myself glass half full in life – I like to hope for the best. But when it comes to matters of the heart I am definitely glass half empty…

I am still eating breakfast every day. Go me!


These days come to us all … you’ll shake it off and things will look brighter soon.

Sorry to hear that O is not feeling the best again. Your care will soon help to set things right though, you’re one of the best vet nurses I know 😀 If I could afford you, I’d hire you for the cats 😉

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