Broken Bella Donna

{April 7, 2012}   God help me.

I NEED to write this email… and I can’t get it out of my system any other way but here, not safely. Lets hope if I type it here, I wont have to do it anywhere else…

Uh, hi. I know I told you I never wanted to hear from you again, I know I told you I was ‘over’ all this bullshit. But I find getting you out of my head impossible.

I have no interest what so ever in any sort of future for us other than just passing comments on each others facebook… I just abhor the idea that you and I will never talk again, that we’ll never be able to be friends in any capacity. And I want desperately for you to contact me and try to touch base again – it’s almost always been me, and I hate that because it leaves me feeling like some desperate sad arse.

Your profile is public so I wont access anything that I can’t already, I’m sure, and that means you’d be able to see all of mine which you presently can’t. I have nothing really to gain from this other than the peace of mind that you and I no longer hate each other. That’s all I really want. Because I hate that idea.

I don’t hate you.

I don’t even resent you anymore.

I think I’m a little indifferent… but you make up such a magnificent – both in size and emotional joy – part of my past, I don’t want to lose you.

But I also don’t really want your wife accessing all of my shit.

She still hates and resents me. I’m not all that fond of her still, to be entirely honest.

I just dooooon’t knoooooooow.


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