Broken Bella Donna

{April 13, 2012}   Gnack.


This is uber annoying.

I have – as previously stated – always blogged about my spazz attacks, because for me, blogging about them has alleviated them in the past.

So the question begs – why the hell does the idea of blogging about them NOW actually make them feel WORSE?

I have no idea what has triggered this, but something has. I feel like I’ve regressed and I suspect what caused me to start on the positive upward climb away from them in the first place was support and acceptance. I don’t remember ever thinking “My spazz attacks are getting better”; they just started to abate and I never noticed, I just enjoyed being a bit more ‘normal’. Now they seem to be back with a vengeance – but thankfully not as bad as they once where when I was in my teens – and I’m regretting not enjoying the lack of them more.

Weirdly, they seemed to settle a little after my ex’s accident, and only flared back up after his passing, many, many years later. Is this related? If so, why? I am under less stress for not having him in my life.

I digress.

I have no support these days – the family don’t know, or don’t WANT to know about them and no one here really understands, tho I think my sibling has an idea. No friends locally and no one I catch up with regularly online, tho a few online have an understanding of my problem and have given me some support in the past. No partner and no potential on that front either. I am alone and I wonder if this is causing it to flare up again? Knowing that I am on my own and battling it with no one to stand behind me and support.

Verbally, I am a big fan of ‘you can rely on no one by yourself’. I advocate it and claim to be a lone wolf. I will give you the impression that this is a GOOD thing and that it is proof how strong I am, that I don’t NEED you or anyone else. But privately, I hate it. I want to have someone I can rely on, whether they be family, friend or lover.

I’m in a really weird place with my spazz attacks. They’re waffling around making me feel nervous without often coming to anything more. I suspect in the dying days before The Trigger Day I’ll feel a lot worse, but right now I’m a bit meh. I’ve deliberately tried to ensure that I don’t have to be there, that the pressure is off but events are conspiring to try to force my hand. Once I have finalised preparations and we are as organised as we’re going to get… I’m hoping it’ll be ok. What I REALLY want is to feel that fizz of excitement. If I can only feel a positive emotion I’ll feel a lot better. I need to break this mindset that something will go wrong – that something COULD go wrong.

This Trigger Day… will occur eight times this year. As it does every year. Last year something happened and caused me to spazz, and since that day every time I have to front up I’m reminded of it and I feel bad, stressed. If I can get through a few days without stress I KNOW I’ll have rewired my brain and be better, feel better, and things will be ok and it will no longer be an issue. I will no longer think ‘it will happen’ and I will think ‘it didn’t happen then and it wont now either’… and it will be over.

A friend proposed I try a natural suppliment that may help – unfortunateyl I’ve left this too late and by the time I recieve it in the mail, I wont have adequate time to trial it – naturally, part of my brain is thinking ‘what if it makes it worse?’

The positive that I keep hanging my hat on? The last one or two times I had to do it last year, it DID go ok and it DID go smoothly and I DID feel better. I need to remember this!

And I need to relax my stomach muscles. Every time I feel myself starting to spazz, once I consciously relax my muscles, esp my stomach, I feel ten times better. Maybe I should start looking into natural muscle relaxers…


Arghhhh … I spent half an hour leaving you a comment here, and WordPress just ate it. WordPress, you suck 😛

However, it gives me another opportunity to write what I originally tried to say more succinctly, particularly in regard to one comment that you have made: “The last one or two times I had to do it last year, it DID go okay and it DID go smoothly and I DID feel better.” This is something that you can really use to your benefit. Write yourself a list of what you did to make it so successful last year in order to remind yourself that you are not only entirely capable of doing this, but actually enjoying it on the day. If you can find a photo of yourself looking happy at the event, even better – print it out if you can and keep it with the list. Read the list and look at the photo as a reminder that you have made it through this before, and that you do have the potential to do so again with confidence.

No doubt you are already making lists of tasks with due dates to cross off as you do them, but if other people are sharing the duties, perhaps it might also be helpful to share the lists as you delegate jobs? It might make things more concrete for them, and also be a way of putting your mind at rest – both you and they know what they are responsible for, so you can leave them to get on with it without worrying.

I know we don’t catch up as much in real time as we used to, but if you send me a text or drop me an e-mail ‘cos you need to get stuff off your mind, I’ll do my best to arrange a time when we can catch up.

Finally, I just want to say that I’m on your team, and I truly believe that you can do this 🙂 You’ve already shown that you’ve made great progress with decreasing numbers and severity of attacks in the past few months. Although this step along the road is a bit challenging at the moment, you will learn more from this experience that you can use to help you enjoy even better success in the future. Go Bella Donna, Go!

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