Broken Bella Donna

{April 25, 2012}   Grrrs

I am a bad person; at least I FEEL like I am a bad person.

I presently feel this utter… dislike for someone in my life. In fact today I felt so angry, I borderline felt like I hated them, and that’s a very strong emotion.

I feel like this person is so toxic in my life that I will never, ever progress past the person I am today until I can say I have separated myself from them. To remove their pathological lying, their negativity, their emotional abuse, their childish behaviour.

I will not have my beliefs ignored simply because you enjoy doing things to piss me off.

I will not judge my abilities because YOU don’t like what I do – everyone else does, so clearly that’s YOUR problem, not mine.

I will now allow you to use your fluctuating moods to dictate the running of the house. You can sulk, puff around like you’re dying, or refuse to do things – I will work around you. You will not guilt me.

I will ignore your put downs. I will not believe that I am the person you paint me out to be. I understand that the things you criticise about me are aspects of yourself that you don’t like that you are projecting on to me, or simply things about me that are better than you and you feel the need to ‘knock me off my high horse’.

I will not lose faith in myself because you tell me I can’t do it. I am smart enough. I am good enough. I can do it. I understand that by holding me back from my potential, you can keep me under your thumb where you can see what I’m doing and dictate my life, but this isn’t fair. It doesn’t matter what YOU want in my life, I am my own person and your controlling ways are not healthy for me. But you don’t care. You only care about yourself.

I am the bigger person. And it’s very sad that the rest of the household have to put up with your shit.

But all of the above doesn’t stop the fact that I feel like a bad person… when you feel this way about your own mother, what does that say about you? Does that make me the bad person she paints me out to be? The older I get, the more I realise no… it doesn’t. It just means I got lumped with a bum deal for parents.


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