Broken Bella Donna











{May 25, 2012}  

Oh boy.

I remember when my spazz attacks were consistent… I always knew what was coming and they panned out roughly the same. Now I have no idea.

The Spazz Inducing Event is coming around again (after tomorrow it’ll be three down, five to go) and it is once again completely different. First time I anticipated worry that never arrived and it went fine, stress free. Second time I anticipated no worries and they arrived and after a brief spazz attack, went fine, stress free. This time I am feeling high strung leading up to the event so who knows what tomorrow morning will bring. Most frustrating.

BUT.

Upon re reading an old blog the other night, I have discovered that I have turned into a complete sad sack since then and all this blog is just about me whinging and feeling sorry for myself. This has to change. I have to find the happy medium that allows me to use this blog as a stress release, somewhere to sort my thoughts whilst also being positive and trying to improve my thoughts and feelings about myself, and other aspects in life.

SO. I am going to make sure that each entry involves something positive and happy and GOOD in my life. Hopefully.

So right now? I’m feeling positive about my financial situation, because I’m continuing to get work with a friend and I’m also preparing to hopefully get some extra paid work through my old job. Soon I will taking that next step with The Big Project (as soon as the weather permits) which means I’m getting VERY close to doing all the exciting bits, and finalising it. And then I can start saving this poor money earnt instead of spending it – I’ve always tried to keep a reasonable amount of money saved for the proverbial rainy day, but I tell ya, it ain’t looking healthy at the present. But I’ll get there 🙂

Can’t wait until tomorrow night when I can sit back and feel good about everything going smoothly 🙂



{May 19, 2012}  

I did read something in a book recently that I liked so much I intended to type it up in here. Alas I forgot, and it was a library book and has now returned back to the library… so unfortunately we’ll have to go with my gist of it, which inevitably wont be nearly as well worded.

The character in this book… she didn’t trust people to like her once they got to know her; she held herself back from allowing people to get too close because of her relationship with her own mother. Her mother loved her as a baby, and a small child but did not like the person she became once she grew older and developed her own personality. From this she deduced that she wasn’t a good person; if even her own mother couldn’t love the person she became, she had better hold people at arm’s length so that they could love the baby, but never get to know and in turn dislike the adult she had become.

I drew parallels from this. I have always known my mother doesn’t like nor respect the person I’ve grown up to be, and I’ve always been aware that I’ve held people at arm’s length to a certain degree, but I’ve never put two and two together.

Nine times out of ten I can sit back and honestly tell you I’m not the  person my mother thinks I am, and that I have grown to accept that the problem is hers, not mine, that I really am not all that bad.

But in those moments of weakness, in the dark when I’m sobbing into my pillow, the reoccurring thought is always “What sort of person am I if even my own family dislike me?”



{May 14, 2012}  

OH boy did I speak too soon. Spazzed out the morning of the Spazz Inducing Incident. Not the worst attack I’ve had but certainly not comfortable. Came with a variety of interesting and new things… this is the thing I’m hating at the present. My spazz attacks seem to have evolved slightly with new and interesting symptoms, which I’ve never had before. Things I’m not used to dealing with – things that are more akin to other variations of my spazz attacks, not the ones I’m used to.

Good news was that it was only just before I left, and immediately before I calmed down to perfect serenity and saw nary another symptom for the rest of the day – how I used to be, before last years surprise spazz attacks, where it was rolling and constant all day. That was not fun.

Weird news is that immediately after the dry heaves attacks, I felt completely calm – like there was some strange spasm that my body had to be rid of before I could calm down. Both times. Strange.

I have been trialing some breathing and relaxation exercises and I’m concerned that in some weird way, trying to alter my breathing has caused some weird reaction. I’ve never had success in the past, it often makes me light-headed, I breathe quite shallowly and that’s what I’m used to.

On a related note – I think it’s due to the cold weather we’re having at the present – but I’ve had this occasional weird feeling in my chest on and off for the last few days, almost like a pressure, like something is sitting on me, or there’s something else in my chest preventing me from breathing properly, and sometimes it makes me quite wheezy. Really I’m just all out of sorts in the chest department.

Other that my spazz attacks and their ongoing pain in my arse-ness, things are just going along.

Next step in My Big Project is going ahead early next week, weather permitting.

If only I could get going on, and catch up with my studies, and kick these spazz attacks in the arse – life would be good at the present. Even in my friend-less state.



{May 11, 2012}  

Well how things change in such a short period of time.

The boy in blue, still mute, not sighted, not expecting to in a hurry.

The old friend? Well I should’ve learnt the last time I got burnt, or the time before that, or or or… you get the idea. The idea has been gotten. Hopefully by ME this time, instead of everyone else who keeps telling me to just walk away and stop flogging that dead horse.

My concerns that he was only permitted to talk to me in order for her to access my private information was in good faith, it seems. Nary a week after contact she has not only revoked it, but blocked both myself and my sibling (who had nothing to do with this?) from even seeing that they even exist on this planet. Talk about over reaction. Nothing has changed, except for me – my reaction to this has finally proven to me that I am over it. Sad that it pans out this way but c’est la vie.I’ve re read the convos and NOTHING was said to encourage this.

In spite of my over-it-ness, I would still like to contact him if only to tell him that I think he is the most pathetic spineless piece of work ever born and that if he’s prepared to be made a fool out of by the immoral, childish, insecure whore… well great for him. Sadly I don’t care to bother to tell him this, which is probably for the best. Let them hang, stalking their inboxes, waiting for me to blow my stack.

(it’s been well blown, in my imagination, rest assured.)

Not much else happening in life.

Spazz inducing outing is on again tomorrow – so far so good. Doing things a little different tomorrow – a bit more like what it used to be when I started spazzing, and less like it was last time when I was better, so lets hope that doesn’t affect anything negatively.

Taking the next step this coming week (or next, not sure yet) towards My Big Project, which I’m looking forward to.

Kicking it back ATM. Seem to have life wound back to something I can deal with at present, which is great. Can concentrate on relaxing and focussing on my mental health, which I trust will have a positive flow on to my physical health.

Does anyone read this blog anymore?



{May 6, 2012}  

Wow, I seem to have found my blogging mojo again, with all this crap going on.

Looks like the boy in blue has gone mute since he went off holidays and back to the beat. Leaving me feeling quite vulnerable because I realise now that I told him a lot about me, and received nothing back from him other than his attention. I know my police check is due again soon for school but that isn’t quite the sort I was expecting…

Good thing to come out of all this is the distraction. I should be comfortable and ok with the pervy ex when I next see him this weekend in the next installment of stress inducing fun, and I’m also ok with the new contact of the old friend. All for having a new stressor. Handy.

Weirdly I feel like my reluctance to blog has been related to the pervy ex. As now I’m ‘over’ that (for now) I find myself more comfortable blogging again. Go figure? Of all the people I’ve blogged about, he is the one least likely to find this blog. He’s only interested in turning on women, not computers.

Hmm.

I have stopped stalking my Facebook now I know that he’s not likely to pop up to chat. I feel like… I don’t know. I want to say that I feel like I was almost ‘used’ for fun and distraction but I like to think that isn’t true. I think that in spite of our similarities, perhaps he is just able to turn this sort of thing on and off. He is capable of being very close for a conversation and then walking away and not talking for months. I can’t do that. I throw myself headfirst into all new friendships. I want to talk All The Time. I suppose in his line of work he has to be able to do that. I’m more sensitive.

I’m terrified that I’ve over crowded him with my desire to talk. For this reason I will not make the next contact, whether it be by text or Facebook. He can do the running. See where that stands. Meanwhile I’m licking my wounds and thinking twice about opening my big trap next time so quickly.

So at the end of all this mad week?

I gain an old friend with minimum stress and fanfare. I briefly gained a new friend and lost him again. I was left feeling vulnerable, silly and too trusting. After a very concentrated attack of the spazz’s, I actually now feel more relaxed than I have in a while. But mostly?

Mostly I’m left with the realisation that I’m not happy with my life (which I knew) but I’m nearly ready to do something about it. I have many more changes to make… I just need to find someone to help and support me with these changes. I once thought that I could do this on my own, that I was strong enough not to need anyone. That I was too hard to require the help. I’ve been called cold and unemotional so many times I believed it to be true. But it isn’t.

I thought he would be the one – not romantically, but just as support, to push, encourage, and lead me. If anything, knowing I need this – and very briefly had it (if only in my head) but now don’t  is much worse than not knowing I needed it at all.

I’m realistic and I’m not stupid. I know that I won’t let my walls down to let someone in to help me, I will just toughen my skin again, pretend it’s all fine, pretend this never happened and nothing will change. But each and every time I do let someone in – the boy in blue, my pervy ex and the visiting friend were the last three – it sets me back again when they leave.

And they always leave. Always. And I never progress anywhere. And that’s frustrating and sad.

Ha ha. When I started this entry I had no idea I would end up here. I love blogging… it just lets everything out that I can’t tell anyone else. Stuff I’d like to be telling that bloody arsehole shithead who started all this. Grr.



{May 4, 2012}   Jeebus!

I’m Jonesing for some attention here.

The joy of space between now and then has given me some insight into this whole bullshit going down at the moment, and I have worked out a lot of it but DAMN I’d forgotten the rush of having a man really, truly show an interest in me.

It’s such a rush, and it’s so good for the ego – I felt like my old self there for awhile. Instead of this lonely washed up shell of myself. And yes, I do appreciate just how sad and pathetic that really is, that I judge myself on others opinion of me. I validate myself as a person on how attractive men find me. Yes I’m aware that’s pathetic. So sue me.

I’d also forgotten how much I enjoyed just talking to someone, someone who appreciates my opinion and wants to talk. Someone who listens and doesn’t just talk at me, with no real requirement for my input, just for me to listen. Someone who is my age and intelligence level. I’d forgotten how nice it was to have a friend who cares about you, even if I haven’t spoken to this person enough to know they ‘care’. I’d forgotten how much I miss having a friend. And that isn’t pathetic – that’s just sad 😦

He’s breezed in, reminded me of all this that I missed, and breezed back out.

Arsehole.



{May 2, 2012}   Squeeeee

I have no idea why my stomach is being so silly. I feel in a permenant state of hopped up, not quite spazz attack (most of the time) but definetely humming. Close to the fringe. I’ve been like this since PP started so I’m assuming it’s him.

Half of my brain is freaking out, because this is dumped on top of my previous spazz attack inducing activity which is occuring again in ten days time, the other half is sitting back thinking “How much weight am I gonna lose during this?”

Silver lining.

I often have a problem working out the difference between excitement and spazz attacks. I am having this problem at the moment.

 

*Side note: I had an epiphany. Turns out I realised I may be a bit of an attention whore for a man in a position of power. Who knew? Time and distance from conversing has given me the space to think along a few other tangents.



{May 1, 2012}  

Things are still weird.

I… feel ultimately very vulnerable with this guy and his attentions. I don’t understand why but I am becoming increasingly more flustered when I talk to him, when I’m trying to explain or justify or whatever. Which I don’t usually feel any need to do. I’m very candid with him – as I think I said, very early in the piece I started explaining about my spazz attacks and that is something I don’t usually feel comfortable/the need to do – and everything seems to have hurtled towards a surreal, almost intimate relationship very quickly. I’m unsure if I’m comfortable with it, but at the same time I don’t know if I’m uncomfortable with it either.

It feels almost like he knows me, and I him. Like we’ve come from similar situations, that we share the same demons, which I’m fairly sure we don’t. But we’re both broken people and I think we both understand that perhaps there is so much more to each other than most others would – I don’t mean this in a ‘HE GETS ME!’ way, like I want to run off and have his children – I don’t, he’s married for Pete’s sake – but it is nice to have to not put up a front. It is strange and I don’t really understand my thoughts or feelings at the moment, but I do enough to say that there seems to be no threat to his marriage from either side; he’s made it clear what the situation is there and I have no desires to take it any further than what it is now. In fact I’m not entirely sure I wanted things to progress to the point they are now, but what’s done is done.

Things are strange. I feel strange.

He is still laying on the compliments, hard and fast. I am not entirely comfortable with them and explained this to him. I don’t think he’s lying but I don’t think they’re truthful either, not in real life, perhaps to him they are but… They don’t sit well with me, they feel like lies. I feel like I’m being deceptive, although I understand that unless you’re a fan of the fake tan/boobs/nails etc you CAN’T be deceptive in regards to that sort of thing, not when people see you in real life. I can’t look in the mirror and see a ‘exceptionally hot’ person. I don’t see the… what was it… ‘fine features, pretty face and great body’. I just see me and I don’t think I’m that special. In fact I know I’m not. But I feel that most people – people like me anyway – look in the mirror and see their inner demons as much as their external front. Perhaps I feel that because we’ve been so candid, because he seems to understand that I have demons, that he should also be able to see them…

It feels so damn weird, it really does. Not bad weird, maybe not good weird, just unusual. Like no one should know so much about the inner mind of another person without… without what? Without being them? Is how I feel right now how people who read this blog feel? Like they know too much, and that they wish that perhaps they didn’t, so that cloud of knowledge wasn’t there, lingering over everything? Like some strange perverse intimacy that invades everything, leaving you feeling dirty in your vulnerability?

Vulnerable keeps coming up, and that is what it is. I’ve given too much too quickly, and I have no idea if this friendship will or even can continue. And if it doesn’t, it will leave me wondering was my weirdness, and my desperate-ness that chased it off. I’m less than comfortable with my own forthrightness… and his.

And I’m still scared that I am deliberately attracting his attentions in a hope to make myself feel less alone. He says that I’m not, and based on things he says from when we first met, I am inclined to believe him but… at the same time, I’m left wondering if I’m just another sad, pathetic little girl who needs validation from married men in order to feel like I’m worth something. Nevermind the fact that at no stage did I approach any of these three men in order to ‘start’ anything; they all contacted me, came to me with their comments and their friend requests and their innuendo and their roaming hands and their text messages and their ‘can I have your number’s. But be this as it may, I’m the one waiting for them to log on, or text me, or drive past my place and pull in for a coffee. I’m the one analysing their every word, blogging it, trying to make sense of my place in this life. I’m the one living in the past, or so far in the future, but never in the now.

Or perhaps, in this situation, too much in the now.

He asked me to keep our conversations private as he may want to tell me things he’s never told anyone else before. I jokingly asked him if he was hiding me as his secret online girlfriend. He replied that he wasn’t hiding, but protecting us, if I understood what he meant, which I’m not entirely sure I do. And he let the online girlfriend comment go, but that’s almost what it feels like, a relationship made up of mental intimacy, the sex replaced with vulnerability and gut emotion. Opening your soul and laying it bare, for someone else to pick over like a crow, to satisfy their own emptiness. Or curiosity. Or perhaps just… tit for tat. Tell me your innermost thoughts and feelings so that I don’t feel like you hold all the cards. Perhaps the release and relief of just letting spill the tar and dark matter than clogs your heart and soul is worth it, if only to let it  spill onto a keyboard and into someone elses mind. Alas, leaving them ‘knowing’ you. A downside.

It’s like finding… someone equally as broken. Someone who doesn’t think you should change for the sake of fitting in. Someone who is willing to let you be you, even if that you isn’t quite right in the head. Perhaps someone who can save you from yourself – but when these two people are of opposite sex, it’s expected that they will enter into a romantic relationship – can they circle each other without this happening?

I have no great desire for an intimate sexual relationship with anyone, that is too much like letting someone in under my skin, letting them see me with all guards down. I am too broken for that. But I’m terrified that I will confuse all… this… whatever this may be, for desire.

It’s my obsessive personality coming out. I must concentrate on reigning it in.

Blogging this has helped me sort through some thoughts in my head. Trusty blog. I wish I could show him to try and explain, but I don’t want him finding out even more from this blog, and I don’t want to come across as a completely loopy nutjob. Or anymore so than I already have.



et cetera