Broken Bella Donna











{May 6, 2012}  

Wow, I seem to have found my blogging mojo again, with all this crap going on.

Looks like the boy in blue has gone mute since he went off holidays and back to the beat. Leaving me feeling quite vulnerable because I realise now that I told him a lot about me, and received nothing back from him other than his attention. I know my police check is due again soon for school but that isn’t quite the sort I was expecting…

Good thing to come out of all this is the distraction. I should be comfortable and ok with the pervy ex when I next see him this weekend in the next installment of stress inducing fun, and I’m also ok with the new contact of the old friend. All for having a new stressor. Handy.

Weirdly I feel like my reluctance to blog has been related to the pervy ex. As now I’m ‘over’ that (for now) I find myself more comfortable blogging again. Go figure? Of all the people I’ve blogged about, he is the one least likely to find this blog. He’s only interested in turning on women, not computers.

Hmm.

I have stopped stalking my Facebook now I know that he’s not likely to pop up to chat. I feel like… I don’t know. I want to say that I feel like I was almost ‘used’ for fun and distraction but I like to think that isn’t true. I think that in spite of our similarities, perhaps he is just able to turn this sort of thing on and off. He is capable of being very close for a conversation and then walking away and not talking for months. I can’t do that. I throw myself headfirst into all new friendships. I want to talk All The Time. I suppose in his line of work he has to be able to do that. I’m more sensitive.

I’m terrified that I’ve over crowded him with my desire to talk. For this reason I will not make the next contact, whether it be by text or Facebook. He can do the running. See where that stands. Meanwhile I’m licking my wounds and thinking twice about opening my big trap next time so quickly.

So at the end of all this mad week?

I gain an old friend with minimum stress and fanfare. I briefly gained a new friend and lost him again. I was left feeling vulnerable, silly and too trusting. After a very concentrated attack of the spazz’s, I actually now feel more relaxed than I have in a while. But mostly?

Mostly I’m left with the realisation that I’m not happy with my life (which I knew) but I’m nearly ready to do something about it. I have many more changes to make… I just need to find someone to help and support me with these changes. I once thought that I could do this on my own, that I was strong enough not to need anyone. That I was too hard to require the help. I’ve been called cold and unemotional so many times I believed it to be true. But it isn’t.

I thought he would be the one – not romantically, but just as support, to push, encourage, and lead me. If anything, knowing I need this – and very briefly had it (if only in my head) but now don’t  is much worse than not knowing I needed it at all.

I’m realistic and I’m not stupid. I know that I won’t let my walls down to let someone in to help me, I will just toughen my skin again, pretend it’s all fine, pretend this never happened and nothing will change. But each and every time I do let someone in – the boy in blue, my pervy ex and the visiting friend were the last three – it sets me back again when they leave.

And they always leave. Always. And I never progress anywhere. And that’s frustrating and sad.

Ha ha. When I started this entry I had no idea I would end up here. I love blogging… it just lets everything out that I can’t tell anyone else. Stuff I’d like to be telling that bloody arsehole shithead who started all this. Grr.

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