Broken Bella Donna

{June 21, 2012}  

Not entirely sure why I’m here tonight. Have had no great epiphanies (thank god for spell check!) or wonderful things to share… just blah blah blah.

The fifth installment of The Spazz Inducing Occasion coming up in a couple of days. Hmm. Feeling a little tense in the lead up, have started popping the supplements again, see how it pans out. I have no great excuse to feel tense, I just do. No triggers, other than the weekend. But then again I’m rarely aware of what causes it, it just happens. Having no discernible reason is probably going to guarantee it will happen. It could even be my voluntary committment tomorrow, who knows? Naturally I have decided that just because I’m starting to get a handle on things, lets mix it up. I offered to run another fundraiser, to be held next time around, because hey. Stress? Pressure? Pft. I can handle it…!!!

Still, that’ll be five down, three to go, well four sort of, downhill slide now. Potentially for the very last year, who knows.

Tomorrow I resume my school-related voluntary work. Perhaps this is behind a little of my worries. It shouldn’t be, as it’s never given me grief, but who knows.

Today in fact is the only day this week I get to be at home, and to catch up on jobs. And I’ve done a bit of an ordinary job of  it, as I’ve been busy preparing for the weekend. I am ridiculously behind in my studies and starting to fear the worst – that I’m not going to achieve what I should and that I’m doing to get into massive amounts of trouble. I keep swearing I’m going to force myself to do it for an hour a day but I’m just never bloody home with time to scratch.  I just can’t find the time and motivation to do it, and I imagine that is behind quite a bit of my pending spazziness. This plus the fact that around me is a mess… whenever my surrounds are untidy, I become tense. It’s all a bit feng shui-ish of me, I know, but it does affect my mood. I keep thinking “When I’m in my own place…”

When I AM in my own place, I’m either going to run it VERY ship shape or it’s going to turn out I’m full of shit.

I seem to be acquiring some new and interesting ways to exhibit my stress at the present. I’ve started chewing the insides of my cheeks again which is a habit I haven’t indulged in a very long time. The inside of my right cheek is minced and very sore. I also accidentaly nipped myself my third blood blister in my mouth in the last month as well. I’m falling apart. I’m also permanently tense and sore across my shoulders and back of my neck, and I have a feeling I’ll soon resemble a body builder if I don’t do something about it.

It’s raining!

And it’s time I retired to bed, ready for the world in the morn.

{June 17, 2012}  

The day after The Day and once again, cool as a cuc. Had two moments of brief concern but after the ten days or so that I had leading up, I think I did a terrific job – turns out you CAN function successfully after no solid sleep ( so much for the lusted for ‘good nights sleep’), on your feet for 7 hours with nothing in your stomach but a can of coke. Trusty coke.

Thinking I might be getting close to being able to write that one off as a done deal, and call it a success – I have won, I have beaten the beast. Huzzah!

I have also successfully delegated another (once a year) job off that caused me much spazz last year, so onwards and upwards on my simplifying goals.

(With my track record blogging of late, I fully expect to go down in a shower of shit soon, and rue the day I felt like I had beaten the beast…)

Spent some forced time with The Ex. It felt awkward unless other people were there. Not like it should be, where we can just talk, it felt like he was forced to be in my company, which he kinda was. His wife is pregnant again and he’s expressed displeasure in this.

Who knows what goes on in the mind of pervy men.

{June 15, 2012}   I never learn.

I have GOT to learn to shut up.   I start trying to blow sunshine up my own arse, or feel positive, or generally do anything happy… I get slapped in the face with a brick.

Without going into depressing details, after some time of surprise seizures followed with complete amnesia (not me but someone very, very close), things have finally started to smooth over again. Time will tell if it has been resolved or simply put aside for another day, but in the meantime the ongoing stress of “what?” or possibly “when?” will hang over my head like a dark, concerning cloud.

Positive note is throughout all, I did not have any spazz attacks, and didn’t even go off my food which I *always* do.

And tomorrow is the spazz inducing day (for the fourth time this year – five to go) so we’ll see if everything goes smoothly in the lead up – so far so good. I don’t feel any worries at this stage. Fingers crossed for a good nights sleep.

Are the vitamin supplements still doing their job? Would I have handled the past 10 days any differently without them? Who knows.

Needless to say, The Big Project hasn’t progressed, it has been put on the back burner whilst we dealt with more pressing issues. Hopefully will commence again soon. I have been spending some time contemplating other facets of it though, and have made some new decisions (I think, I’m very indecisive at the best of times) which will help down the track.

My ongoing mental health is also not helped by a virus that seems to be doing the rounds in the local area. I have just finished week four of it, and am quite frankly, well fucking over it. Tired of feeling tired and tired of this thick snotty mucus blocking everything up. (Believe it or not, this DOES affect my mental health – snot = makes me feel ill = fear of throwing up = spazz attacks) Maybe time to hit the horseradish and garlic tablets again?

In spite of ongoing sleepy virus’, weird brain misfires and general weirdness… life is not bad.

Oh, coroner is still threatening that maybe, one day soon, perhaps, down the track, when he’s ready, on the off chance, maybe next week but DEFINETELY SOON… we might have a friggen decision. I don’t even know what all this putting off could possibly mean, whether it could be for or against us?

So tired. Fingers crossed for tomorrow.

{June 3, 2012}  

Life chugs along on its bizarre path. My Spazz Attack Inducing event went smoothly and without incident – no signs whatsoever of an attack. This could be credited to one of two things – sleep or vitamin supplements. They may or may not be related.

I slept like a log the night before, after a week of poor sleep due to illness, so much so that I couldn’t actually be woken at all. I was just about comatose – I never sleep deeply. I’m known for my poor sleep. I know when I sleep poorly leading up to a spazz inducing situation I’m always worse, as I worry before I sleep and I worry again when I wake up, and I always wake up early, leaving me to lie in bed and fret. I didn’t do that this time. I also have had a homeopathic remedy recommended to me for sleep, so when I’ve thrown this cold and I’m healthy I’m going to trial that and see if it helps.

I also started taking a new vitamin supplement which is designed specifically for stress. IF my problems are caused by any vitamin lack, this could help fix it. Or work as a placebo. I don’t give a shit as long as it works. Upon reviewing my thoughts, I have my suspicions that this vitamin supplement could be causing the newfound ability to sleep well.

So onwards and upwards on my studious efforts towards making myself happy and calm 🙂

Lots of things have changed for me since I was ‘happy’. I think I’ve lost Henry. I need to find him again. Henry is my deity… you see, after dubious experiences with religion as a child, I have no great impressions about organised religion – I think it causes a lot of problems but I see that some people require it, to feel that they are part of the bigger picture, a part of something. I personally don’t have that requirement. I get that having an all knowing entity works for some, and that if they use this thing as their moral compass then hey, if it keeps them toeing the moral party line that is never necessarily a bad thing… but it isn’t for me. I do however seem to believe in some fairy godmother, guardian angel type scenario – and I call him Henry. He isn’t for you, he’s just for me. Henry looks after me and guides me to do the right thing. Sometimes when I’m stressed out I talk to Henry and ask him to help me, and you know what? Henry has proven remarkable at finding lost objects, guiding me to the right places and right decisions, and generally being handy. Unfortunately Henry has never stepped up to help me with my love life, but oh well. He can’t do everything. I suppose Henry is the blog in my head. When I am ok with the world, I speak with Henry. When I stop speaking with Henry is when I know I am losing faith with my own abilities to get by. I need to touch base with Henry.

I’m sitting here now, pondering how one forces themself to become happy, to be positive. I know the masses declare that positive thinking is the go but I struggle with that one (ironic!) and don’t know where to start.

Maybe I’ll start right here, right now.

  • I am a fan of lists, and lists make me happy, as they help me to progress through what I’ve done and doing stuff makes me happy. In fact I wrote a list today of eleven things I’d like done by the end of the week, and I’ve already struck off two. This makes me feel good. I’ve just realised I’m making a list right now!
  • Yesterday I cooked a yummy dish from scratch for everyone in the house for lunch, that was healthy and provided us all with a serve of vegetables, some even fresh from the garden. I did a different dish today, just for me this time, that again provided me with a serve of veggies and was home made from scratch. Cooking yummy meals makes me happy, and when they’re healthy, easy to make and come from home produce I’m even happier!
  • Taking some steps towards The Big Project this week, and planning some today. More happiness.

In spite of all these things, I don’t actively ‘feel’ happy. So I shall persist, and try to fake it until I make it.


et cetera