Broken Bella Donna

{June 3, 2012}  

Life chugs along on its bizarre path. My Spazz Attack Inducing event went smoothly and without incident – no signs whatsoever of an attack. This could be credited to one of two things – sleep or vitamin supplements. They may or may not be related.

I slept like a log the night before, after a week of poor sleep due to illness, so much so that I couldn’t actually be woken at all. I was just about comatose – I never sleep deeply. I’m known for my poor sleep. I know when I sleep poorly leading up to a spazz inducing situation I’m always worse, as I worry before I sleep and I worry again when I wake up, and I always wake up early, leaving me to lie in bed and fret. I didn’t do that this time. I also have had a homeopathic remedy recommended to me for sleep, so when I’ve thrown this cold and I’m healthy I’m going to trial that and see if it helps.

I also started taking a new vitamin supplement which is designed specifically for stress. IF my problems are caused by any vitamin lack, this could help fix it. Or work as a placebo. I don’t give a shit as long as it works. Upon reviewing my thoughts, I have my suspicions that this vitamin supplement could be causing the newfound ability to sleep well.

So onwards and upwards on my studious efforts towards making myself happy and calm 🙂

Lots of things have changed for me since I was ‘happy’. I think I’ve lost Henry. I need to find him again. Henry is my deity… you see, after dubious experiences with religion as a child, I have no great impressions about organised religion – I think it causes a lot of problems but I see that some people require it, to feel that they are part of the bigger picture, a part of something. I personally don’t have that requirement. I get that having an all knowing entity works for some, and that if they use this thing as their moral compass then hey, if it keeps them toeing the moral party line that is never necessarily a bad thing… but it isn’t for me. I do however seem to believe in some fairy godmother, guardian angel type scenario – and I call him Henry. He isn’t for you, he’s just for me. Henry looks after me and guides me to do the right thing. Sometimes when I’m stressed out I talk to Henry and ask him to help me, and you know what? Henry has proven remarkable at finding lost objects, guiding me to the right places and right decisions, and generally being handy. Unfortunately Henry has never stepped up to help me with my love life, but oh well. He can’t do everything. I suppose Henry is the blog in my head. When I am ok with the world, I speak with Henry. When I stop speaking with Henry is when I know I am losing faith with my own abilities to get by. I need to touch base with Henry.

I’m sitting here now, pondering how one forces themself to become happy, to be positive. I know the masses declare that positive thinking is the go but I struggle with that one (ironic!) and don’t know where to start.

Maybe I’ll start right here, right now.

  • I am a fan of lists, and lists make me happy, as they help me to progress through what I’ve done and doing stuff makes me happy. In fact I wrote a list today of eleven things I’d like done by the end of the week, and I’ve already struck off two. This makes me feel good. I’ve just realised I’m making a list right now!
  • Yesterday I cooked a yummy dish from scratch for everyone in the house for lunch, that was healthy and provided us all with a serve of vegetables, some even fresh from the garden. I did a different dish today, just for me this time, that again provided me with a serve of veggies and was home made from scratch. Cooking yummy meals makes me happy, and when they’re healthy, easy to make and come from home produce I’m even happier!
  • Taking some steps towards The Big Project this week, and planning some today. More happiness.

In spite of all these things, I don’t actively ‘feel’ happy. So I shall persist, and try to fake it until I make it.



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