Broken Bella Donna











{June 21, 2012}  

Not entirely sure why I’m here tonight. Have had no great epiphanies (thank god for spell check!) or wonderful things to share… just blah blah blah.

The fifth installment of The Spazz Inducing Occasion coming up in a couple of days. Hmm. Feeling a little tense in the lead up, have started popping the supplements again, see how it pans out. I have no great excuse to feel tense, I just do. No triggers, other than the weekend. But then again I’m rarely aware of what causes it, it just happens. Having no discernible reason is probably going to guarantee it will happen. It could even be my voluntary committment tomorrow, who knows? Naturally I have decided that just because I’m starting to get a handle on things, lets mix it up. I offered to run another fundraiser, to be held next time around, because hey. Stress? Pressure? Pft. I can handle it…!!!

Still, that’ll be five down, three to go, well four sort of, downhill slide now. Potentially for the very last year, who knows.

Tomorrow I resume my school-related voluntary work. Perhaps this is behind a little of my worries. It shouldn’t be, as it’s never given me grief, but who knows.

Today in fact is the only day this week I get to be at home, and to catch up on jobs. And I’ve done a bit of an ordinary job of  it, as I’ve been busy preparing for the weekend. I am ridiculously behind in my studies and starting to fear the worst – that I’m not going to achieve what I should and that I’m doing to get into massive amounts of trouble. I keep swearing I’m going to force myself to do it for an hour a day but I’m just never bloody home with time to scratch.  I just can’t find the time and motivation to do it, and I imagine that is behind quite a bit of my pending spazziness. This plus the fact that around me is a mess… whenever my surrounds are untidy, I become tense. It’s all a bit feng shui-ish of me, I know, but it does affect my mood. I keep thinking “When I’m in my own place…”

When I AM in my own place, I’m either going to run it VERY ship shape or it’s going to turn out I’m full of shit.

I seem to be acquiring some new and interesting ways to exhibit my stress at the present. I’ve started chewing the insides of my cheeks again which is a habit I haven’t indulged in a very long time. The inside of my right cheek is minced and very sore. I also accidentaly nipped myself my third blood blister in my mouth in the last month as well. I’m falling apart. I’m also permanently tense and sore across my shoulders and back of my neck, and I have a feeling I’ll soon resemble a body builder if I don’t do something about it.

It’s raining!

And it’s time I retired to bed, ready for the world in the morn.

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