Broken Bella Donna

{September 23, 2012}  

I have been having a bit of a rough time of it lately…. nothing huge I suppose, but small, stupid things that all add up to one bad temper. I came in here to complain, to get life off of my chest but… that probably isn’t going to make me feel any better at all. In fact it’ll probably make me dwell on things, and feel shittier until I go and cry myself to sleep just for the pressure release. So instead, I’m going to think about all the things I like. And perhaps I can sweet talk my brain into being happy. It’s worth a try.

  • Jelly beans
  • The first time you climb into bed after putting on the flannel sheets for Winter
  • Receiving parcels in the mail
  • People remembering your birthday
  • Putting on my favourite perfume just for me
  • High heeled boots
  • Puppies
  • The fizz of something new with someone special
  • Laughing until you snort
  • Bushwalking
  • That moment you upload your photos onto your PC and you realise that shot that looked PERFECT on your review screen really IS that perfect
  • Completing a project
  • Chicken soup
  • Hugs from small children
  • Getting back in touch with an old friend
  • Men that smell good
  • Bright shoelaces
  • Being thanked
  • New socks
  • Flirty conversation
  • Re reading old blog posts and realise they were GOOD
  • Having a clean home
  • Ironing
  • Chocolate cake with fluffy chocolate icing
  • The smell of coffee
  • A fresh bottle of coca cola
  • Holding hands
  • Finding money or fun things in pockets of old clothes
  • Photos from yesteryear
  • Being understood. I mean REALLY understood
  • Snuggling under the doona and listening to the rain
  • Standing outside in the rain
  • Heat packs
  • The sound of silence
  • Getting caught up in a spectacular book
  • When a new recipe turns out perfectly
  • Making new friends
  • Nice comments on your blog
  • Lists
  • Finding something perfect in a second hand store
  • Vanilla
  • Pretty matching underwear
  • Working outdoors
  • New CD’s released by your favourite artist
  • Going to the museum
  • Pizza
  • Giving someone the perfect present
  • Sunny days
  • Hearing a song that sounds like it was written JUST for YOU
  • Compliments
  • Been bone tired after a long day of doing something useful
  • Walking
  • Others brushing/playing with my hair
  • Nice text messages

Oops. That list got accidentally quite long đŸ™‚

{September 14, 2012}  

Why are you so damn weird? I know this is rich, coming from me, the epitome of weird but really. Why do you come on so strong when we’re chatting, and try and talk me into letting you come over and visit in secret, in private where we can have some peace for conversation without others trying to monopolise it… why do you indicate you’re going to come drop in for a coffee and to hang out, and yet then never show up? Why do you dedicate a few valuable hours to chatting to me, and give me all your attention and then ignore me for months after?

You behave like you can’t get enough of my company, like we’re good friends, like I mean something – you tell me I’m interesting and fun and whatever, and yet then you treat me like you really couldn’t give a shit, you don’t care if we talk. It’s so confusing. You don’t answer me and you don’t care. But only days before you were asking me to text you if I saw you drive past, to let you know I’m here so you can come see me? Like you feel you need an invitation to stop?

It’s FRUSTRATING. I think we both realise I’m a bit clingy in friendships and I can’t handle this two day friendship you seem to think is acceptable. I need friends or I need to be alone – I don’t want a weird collection of both.

I wonder if perhaps it’s because you’re feeling what I’m feeling – this… energy. Vibe. Whatever. There’s something between us – I’m not going to claim sexual energy or anything like that because I don’t think that’s what it is. But if I believed in ‘soul mates’ I would be claiming that – I feel like we’ve known each other for ever, and that we’re meant to? It’s a real connection. I just wonder if you feel that too and you’re pulling away because you’re not in a position to honour that. Your job, your existing relationships, whatever.

Past lives. I’m not sure where I stand on them. But if they exist, I think we knew each other there.

I HAAAAATE that  it’s hard to put to words what I want to say. I don’t think he’s my other half, my soul mate in a romantic sense. I just feel like we’re meant to know each other – for support, friendship, life lessons, whatever. Not necessarily romantic/sexual relationship. And I can’t ask him if he feels this because it sounds WANKY if he doesn’t.

I can’t say anything incase he’s not really interested in me as a person and this is some weird personality quirk he has – to draw people in, get to know them without giving much away, just because he collects information. I might be just another weirdo he likes to learn about. He might like collecting people around him who need saving (he’s in that sort of line of work) because he has deep seated weird issues from when he was a kid. Who knows? I dated a guy like that once. Makes a girl paranoid.

I wish I could show him this blog and see if he understood.

It’s so annoying. I know I’ll be over this in a few days. Heavens knows what that means. I know that if I had a friend saying this to me, asking for advice, I’d be inclined to think ‘booty call’.

I just wish I could verbalise exactly what it is in my head and heart, when we talk.

You’re doin’ my head in.

{September 11, 2012}  

I don’t understand.

What does this mean?

When I talk to you, my heart hurts.

{September 2, 2012}  

I like how this blog doesn’t require me to actually come up with at title. I hate coming up with titles. Perhaps “I hate coming up with titles” would be a good title.


I’m meant to be doing homework, and in my defence I’ve done some… just not enough. But any progress is forward progress, right?

I’ve been too scared to blog lately. Things have been going well, so smoothly… too smoothly. Every time I get on blogging and admire my life and how great it is, everything goes to shit – usually in such a fashion that the world seems too big to deal with and something really bad happens to something I like. I hate this, and I hate it quite a lot. It leaves me only here when things are bad, and thus reading back on this blog makes me look like a loser, a whinger, a whiner… like I think the whole world is out to get me and that I can’t see the positives. This is NOT me. I am very much a glass half full gal. Sadly, the only attention this blog gets from me is glass-completely-empty-and-broken.

Therefore I’m only here because some stuff is crap. Some stuff is great, but the balance seems safe enough to blog about.

Have officially (I think) completed the spazz inducing situation for the year. Unless I get dumped with another, which I’ll know about within the next ten days. Have remained spazz free, which leaves me open to putting this one to bed and not being even remotely concerned about it anymore – like it used to be before it spontaneously turned to shit. Even the last installment, which was bigger and scarier than I had dealt with was FINE. If anything it was more than fine, it was bloody good. The world did not tilt on its axis, I did not spazz out, no one looked poorly upon me. It was all good. No worries on the day, no real worries leading up to it other than good old fashioned normal butterflies. Ergo, I can now finally put that one to bed! Huzzah for me! Alas there goes my social life on the weekends too, but oh well.

I seem to have – I’m almost too scared to type this – a full handle on my spazz attacks again. No more lurking around corners, no threats, no rewriting my life around what may happen. I am feeling confident and in control for now. They flared up in an ugly and annoying fashion for no real reason I can pin point, hung around for long enough to remind me I’m never entirely free of them, and have settled. I made huge steps in my life between the first and second flare ups, lets hope I can progress even more between the second and third – or better yet, let the third never eventuate!

On a less positive note, clouds are hanging around again, in the form of the health of a pet. If you knew me, you’d know that by pet I mean pet child replacement/best friend. A tummy-rattling concoction of tablets seemed to fix the problem for 24 hours but just now has flared up again and is making me a sad panda. Hoping it was a once off accident. Fingers crossed.

If it wasn’t for that, my life would near be perfect at the present. That and the ever lingering sodding homework.

Have also finally taken the next step in The Big Project, after months – err let’s be honest, over a year – of planning. I can now do nearly half of the insulating, and hopefully by the time I get that done the other half will have arrived and I can complete the job. Then (knowing me) I can spend the next bloody year faffing around with the idea of plastering before I actually get around to doing it.

I really need to start setting myself some goals of jobs to complete. I have far, far too many half finished things hanging over my head, in the form of homework, craft projects, Big Project projects… my life is just made up of half arsed attempts at things. Finally getting around to completing things would make me happier, and save me a lot of money in the process.

I bet this idea remains an uncompleted idea. Ha ha!

et cetera