Broken Bella Donna

{September 14, 2012}  

Why are you so damn weird? I know this is rich, coming from me, the epitome of weird but really. Why do you come on so strong when we’re chatting, and try and talk me into letting you come over and visit in secret, in private where we can have some peace for conversation without others trying to monopolise it… why do you indicate you’re going to come drop in for a coffee and to hang out, and yet then never show up? Why do you dedicate a few valuable hours to chatting to me, and give me all your attention and then ignore me for months after?

You behave like you can’t get enough of my company, like we’re good friends, like I mean something – you tell me I’m interesting and fun and whatever, and yet then you treat me like you really couldn’t give a shit, you don’t care if we talk. It’s so confusing. You don’t answer me and you don’t care. But only days before you were asking me to text you if I saw you drive past, to let you know I’m here so you can come see me? Like you feel you need an invitation to stop?

It’s FRUSTRATING. I think we both realise I’m a bit clingy in friendships and I can’t handle this two day friendship you seem to think is acceptable. I need friends or I need to be alone – I don’t want a weird collection of both.

I wonder if perhaps it’s because you’re feeling what I’m feeling – this… energy. Vibe. Whatever. There’s something between us – I’m not going to claim sexual energy or anything like that because I don’t think that’s what it is. But if I believed in ‘soul mates’ I would be claiming that – I feel like we’ve known each other for ever, and that we’re meant to? It’s a real connection. I just wonder if you feel that too and you’re pulling away because you’re not in a position to honour that. Your job, your existing relationships, whatever.

Past lives. I’m not sure where I stand on them. But if they exist, I think we knew each other there.

I HAAAAATE that  it’s hard to put to words what I want to say. I don’t think he’s my other half, my soul mate in a romantic sense. I just feel like we’re meant to know each other – for support, friendship, life lessons, whatever. Not necessarily romantic/sexual relationship. And I can’t ask him if he feels this because it sounds WANKY if he doesn’t.

I can’t say anything incase he’s not really interested in me as a person and this is some weird personality quirk he has – to draw people in, get to know them without giving much away, just because he collects information. I might be just another weirdo he likes to learn about. He might like collecting people around him who need saving (he’s in that sort of line of work) because he has deep seated weird issues from when he was a kid. Who knows? I dated a guy like that once. Makes a girl paranoid.

I wish I could show him this blog and see if he understood.

It’s so annoying. I know I’ll be over this in a few days. Heavens knows what that means. I know that if I had a friend saying this to me, asking for advice, I’d be inclined to think ‘booty call’.

I just wish I could verbalise exactly what it is in my head and heart, when we talk.

You’re doin’ my head in.


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