Broken Bella Donna











{January 29, 2013}  

Don’t worry… be happy.

Easier typed than said.

Awhile ago I swore that I was going to make sure I included something happy in every post… I haven’t been achieving this. Right now I could not feel less like blogging happy thoughts if I tried.

My legs hurt. My brain hurts. I’m sleeping like shit and I’m unsure if this is due to my misery and confusion regarding the aforementioned person and their role in my life, or my sadness from my girl missing in my life. Or both. Or neither. But I’m pretty sure I know which.

But I HAVE to get past this and cheer the fuck up. I’m being a pathetic sadarse.

I know what will mak me happier! Lists! Lists make me feel like I have control over everything, lists make me feel better. I shall make a list IRL of jobs to do tomorrow and cross off (that one always makes me feel good) and a list of things in here that I like. And try not to repeat from last time.

*ahem*

  • Puppies
  • Making plans
  • Cooking
  • Finding an awesome bit of clothing at a secondhand shop that fits perfectly
  • Great hair days
  • Being surprised by people, in a positive way
  • Cute underwear
  • How soft the dog feels after a wash
  • Warm sun on bare skin
  • Rain on bare skin
  • Completing something
  • Hearing yes when you expected to hear no
  • Hugs
  • Handling stress like a normal person
  • Being there
  • Nice text messages

Mm. That kinda worked.

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{January 28, 2013}  

My brain feels too full and I’m unsure what of. But whatever it is, it’s been leaving me over tired, sleeping poorly, having weird dreams and slightly headachey.

Boy am I regretting leaving the ball in your court. So many times I’ve thought of things I should’ve said, messages I should leave. But they’re all not happening because I Will Not Start The Communication This Time. That ends here and now. No longer will I be the desperate sadarse doing the running. If this means we don’t talk for eons, so be it, it will force me to step back and get my shit together. You said we would talk early this week – but that’s up to you, to reach out by whatever medium you deem fit, but you need to find me. You need to instigate. I’m weary. I don’t want to be the desperate, needy one anymore.

And I have a feeling if I’m not, we probably wont talk for ages. Which will disappointingly leave the whole thing up in the air, and probably leave you with misconceptions – hell, it’s guaranteed do because *I* don’t know what I’m doing, so how could you? – but c’est la vie.

I am just too clingy/needy/obsessive with people. I am so desperate for a friend, for someone to talk to, someone to call my own friend that I smother people. The major problem here is when that person is of the opposite sex. I end up coming on strong and it makes them think I’m interested in them. It makes me question my emotions and makes me think I’m interested in them. Everyone ends up confused, and we fall out over it, when they either run away or misinterpret and have  a crack, and I fend them off and it gets awkward, and I look like a cock tease and they look like a fool.

I have absolutely got to stick my head in a bucket and stop talking to people.

On a semi related note. This spanner in the communication works is going to affect the progress of My Big Project. As he’s supposed to be helping with the next step. Sighs.

Just how long am I going to stay online past my usual time, waiting for you in vain? When we both know you’re not going to. We both know you’re going on another of your unspecified, unexplained little silent benders.

Are things REALLY meant to be this complicated????

 



{January 25, 2013}   A disaster waiting to happen

I am worried I could trip and fall in love with you, if I’m not careful.

There. I said it.

Luckily for us both, I am careful. However.

I have never met  someone who seems to get me, like you do. Someone that is so accepting, someone who understands my idiosyncracies. Perhaps even someone who could love my quirks, for what they are.

I would not fall for you because you think I’m sexy. I would not fall for you because you were the only person interested. I would not fall for you because you liked me so much I thought I should try. None of these usual, stupid reasons I have tripped over in the past.

I would fall for you because you are, simply, the other half of my brain. I would fall for you – very, very much against my better judgement – not because I can’t imagine you not being there, but simply because I couldn’t imagine not thinking that our friendship is truly something special.

It is so very hard to put into words. Explaining it is something I still struggle with, even now. As I have said before, it is like we have known each other a long time, encompassing different lifetimes. Different relationships, different situations, but always learning and striving towards… something?

There is something so very wonderful about our silly convos, held in the witching hour. When we can express our thoughts and what we are without judgement or fear. That something doesn’t often arise in our conversations face to face though, and this I’m unsure about.

This worries me. Like my discomfort with people holding me or standing too close on either side or to the front, yet my acceptance with people hugging from behind or standing close behind me. Like my ability to say what I want to say online, but my loss of words when speaking. Like my new-found freedom after midnight when I can’t speak honestly in daylight hours.

Is our friendship situational?

It’s all very complicated.

In spite of all this… I do sincerely hope we remain friends for a long, long time. I hope we get to a point where we are comfortable with everything and things stop being tricky. We are so busy hedging around each other, trying to get the other to admit to something first that it’s starting to make things awkward, in spite of our comfort in discussing everything else.

So what would I like to say to you, should I get the chance, to clear things?

I really like you. I think you’re a crazy, crazy human being and I value the fact that you treat me so well. I will forever be thankful for how you deal with me, because I know I’m difficult, and I know I’m fucked up, but with you, that doesn’t matter. Simply, you seem to care about me. Just me. My opinion, my thoughts, my problems, my life. In a needy girls life, one who doesn’t get the support and love from those who traditionally should supply it to her, this is a Big Deal.

I worry I might be misinterpreting sheer appreciation of the above, plus good old-fashioned flirting with something more. It’s easy to incorrectly judge ‘just being nice/friendly’ for romantic undertones.  I’m scared that my misinterpretation may be causing YOU to misinterpret YOUR feelings.

I think… that when you hinted about love, that it’s true – I think we could. But I think in the way you love your friends, not the way you love your wife. And should you feel the latter, not the former, to try and ignore it because it won’t be worth it.

You are one in a million and I’m glad we’re friends 🙂

I feel a little better for getting some of that out of my system.



{January 24, 2013}  

Getting online to attention seek after midnight should be illegal. It’s as dangerous as drunk texting – possibly more so, because you have no excuse.

Getting online to attention seek after midnight when you’re already feeling very low and lonely… is just emotional suicide. Esp when the person you’re seeking to leech attention from just happens to pop online as soon as you do.

I’m starting to think we shouldn’t be friends. It’s just not safe. I’ve never felt so toxic in someones life before. I have no idea. I don’t know you well enough to assume that I know everything, and I worry that this is going to blow up in our faces, and I can just forecast that I’m going to lose you as a friend but there’s nothing I can do. I can’t stop it.  I’m just desperately hoping that I can understand, learn and control the differences between friendship and potentially more, and stop before it escalates. I do not want to be that person. I do not want to interfere, or send signals, or have to explain to someone else just why I’m so… wrong. For everything.

I like being friends, I value it and I want you to know that. I think you’re a top bloke. Please don’t hate me.



{January 23, 2013}   Blargh.

My baby girl, my princess, my number one girl.

I love you. Don’t ever forget that. I will always love you.

You’ll always be my girl. You were such a clown. You had a huge personality, and lots of attitude to boot but you were great for me. You taught me control, understanding, how to rule without being a bitch about it. You pushed my buttons and reminded me that I was not All That, but I was merely part of a group.

I was so, so proud to be seen with you because you were – simply – the best looking girl EVER. People stopped me in the street to tell me. You lapped it up. You knew.

You never let your disability get in the way. You never let ANYTHING get in your way. You were so stoic when faced with pain – I never knew when your health was ailing because you just battled through. I suppose that’s why it got so out of control towards the end without me knowing or doing anything to help. I regret that.

But you went out in style, exactly the way I would’ve liked you to – at home, quickly, painlessly. Abruptly, to save my anxieties. I just wish it hadn’t happened so soon! I thought we’d have longer together, to share some more memories, to let you enjoy the things you loved just one more time. To spend more time together. The three of us.

He misses you, so, so much. It’s so hard to watch him pine away, looking for you, wondering, checking to see if you’re still sneaking around when he isn’t looking. He’s miserable. We both are. I thought he’d understand, I did everything I could to help him to but… it wasn’t enough.

It’s weird without you. I can close my eyes and picture you still, I can still feel you. And yet, not.

The feelings that remain with me now, days later… joy, for the time spent. Sadness, for what we’ve lost. Pride, for having had you in my life. Relief, for knowing that it is now over, there’s no more fear. Regret, for not having done more – not that I believe it would’ve changed anything. But I still wonder if I could’ve improved quality by simply doing more.

The fact that I can write this entry, dry eyed, indicates to me that…

silence.

I have no idea what that indicates?

That it was time. We were all ready. It was a massive shock, to come on as it did, but you left this world as you came in – beautiful, crazy and ready to take on the next stage, whatever it may be.

You will never be a stereotype. You will never suffer the ills of those that went before you. You will never lose your looks, or continue down the path that was paved for you. You went in style, you sexy bitch.

Love, love, love you.



{January 19, 2013}  

Why is it so hard to formulate what you want to say into some sort of coherent, wonderful collection of sentences to explain something so important – unless you’re about to drop off to sleep, or in a situation where you cannot write them down?

I am in a world of butthurt at the moment.

How wonderful to have  someone who understands you and who you connect with, someone with whom you can waste 5 hours of your night when you should be sleeping just to chat to and not even know that long has passed. Someone who just seems to ‘get’ you – without it being a sexually driven thing. No strings, just comprehension. It seems – in my life – to be a magical, amazing thing, something I realise I couldn’t have ever understood without having experiencing it. And now I feel it, I want more of it.

I can admit my failings, my insecurities, my fears without feeling like I’m being judged. I can admit to mental issues without feeling that they are reading it thinking “it’s all in your head, get over it”. I can admit to anything and know I wont be treated differently. I get listened to and I can listen. I can learn and (hopefully) teach. I feel… like I mean something to someone. After spending what feels like my whole adult life in a bubble of my own, with no understanding, no appreciation, no respect and certainly no affection (that wasn’t being driven by sex), that perhaps at long last… I’m worth something to someone. This, I suppose, is what most people feel like when they meet ‘the one’. It just so happens that in this situation, A) I’m not designed mentally for relationships and B) he’s married.

If we ceased talking today, and never communicated again – I would be infinitely thankful for the time we have spent getting to know one another.

And I can’t tell him any of this. I’ve never been so driven to try to tell someone how much their friendship means to me before. It’s either been taken for granted or just irrelevant.

It makes no sense to me – why do I suddenly HAVE to tell him? I feel needy, clingy and pathetic. We so rarely speak – these long, rambling crazy conversations have occurred a handful of times – but every time we do, we learn more and I realise that… it’s crazy. He is like me, if I was born a male, and a braver person.

I wish he was a female, and then there would be no question as to whether this was fuelled by understanding or something more primal. It would simply be a wonderful opportunity, having met the other half of your mind. I could shout it from the rooftops and everyone would be jealous of my wonderful relationship with the other half of my brain. Instead, because he’s and he, I’m left wondering:  can I say any of this without seeming like I’m going to start claiming ‘soul mates’ and demanding more?

Instead I’m leaving little comments that go read and ignored. I’m left wondering if what is said in the silly hours of the night was in fact meant sincerely. I am left wondering – am I the only one feeling this? I am a human clingwrap.

We can go months… many many months between conversations. This does not play well with my insecurities. It leaves me a long time to speculate and wonder if I’m inventing things in my head. The moments we are talking, everything is pure and simple, and I know that he knows, and we are fine. The days following I’m tearing my hair out, and attention seeking, I’m desperate just for a conversation with someone who follows my train of thought, someone who understands – instead of the people who surround me day-to-day: those that don’t listen at all, they just wait for you to stop to take a breath so they can start talking. After a week of this, I settle back into regular routine of thinking I imagined it, or denying it, or just ignoring it, until next time.

It would seem I have come up against someone as broken, as complicated and as complex as myself. In different ways, but equally as fractured. I now know how hard I am to be friends with. Sorry everyone-whose-ever-tried-to-get-close. I now understand the frustration.

Sighs.

I keep wanting to point him to this blog and tell him to just get it over and done with – learn my inner brain. Learn how fucked up I am. Learn all the things about me that I don’t want people who judge me to know. But he knows most of this anyway. And seems to like talking to me in spite of it.

I’m fearful of looking lame.

This is just rambling. I’m making no sense (unless you’re in my head).

Normally in this situation I would sit down and write you a long letter. It would be easy and I could say what I wanted. But… I really am struggling to put it to words. I don’t know why. Is it lack of experience? Understanding? Or lack of belief?



{January 11, 2013}   Hello 2013.

Well. It’s been awhile. I suppose this is a good thing, because this would traditionally indicate that I’m feeling good with life, and haven’t required anywhere to rant, boost myself or get my thoughts in order.

Remember my list of goals for 2012? I do. I thought I’d pop on here and check them out, and see where I got to.

  • To implement better eating  habits – Success – a good start. I ate breakfast MOST of the time and removed some processed foods from my diet, and replaced them with home cooked meals. Winning.
  • To implement better exercise habits –I forecast this would be due for failure, and I was right. Bzzzt.
  • To finish my building project – apparently I was going to “be filthy if I haven’t achieved it.” Filthy it is. I haven’t. I made progress – not nearly enough progress to be frank – but onwards and upwards.
  • To cut back on life’s little stresses and  relax – As much as you can measure this… I think I did. I became less stressed and had a much lesser problem with spazz attacks so… in saying that I did gain a major stress but that was out of my hands.
  • Learn to be happy again – can’t judge this one. I’m not sure my happiness has changed any in 2012. But it hasn’t gotten any worse either.
  • To cut back on a lot of the clutter in my life – nope. Still own too much crap. Got rid of  a little but probably acquired more than I got rid of. Balls.
  • To do the right thing FOR MYSELF, every opportunity I can – another one difficult to judge. I’m feeling a little happier in life, so perhaps?

Do I want to make a list of goals for 2013? Why not. Here’s as good of a place as any, as it permits me to look back on it and see how I go.

  • To continue implementing better eating habits. Breakfast was such as success for 2012 this year I might… hmm… reduce my intake of carbonated drinks. Ugh. This IS doomed for failure. I am a coca cola junkie.
  • To try to shed a few kg. Five sounds like a good number. I am by no stretch of the imagination fat – but I am carrying a few more kegs than I ought to be. I can still wear short shorts but I no longer feel confident in them. I would like to remedy this by next Summer.
  • To finish my building project – again.
  • To complete my current studies, which will prove to be the biggest deal I’ve ever made in my educational steps.
  • To continue working towards my inner calm and happiness, and find my sense of worth. This one can not and will never be able to be judged. It’s just an ongoing job. I have no idea how to go around doing this, but be damned, I’ll work it out.

I think that’ll about do it.

I really want to blog, but I don’t want to wank on for the sake of saying something, and leave some boring mark on here that I’ll look back on later and wonder if I should delete it. And I haven’t got anything really great or interesting or thoughtful to say.

I am not feeling under any undue pressure.

I am not feeling particularly confused about menfolk – or anymore than the regular current that buzzes through my obsessive head, anyway.

I am… I suppose feeling very… me. I don’t know if good may be too strong of  a word when I’m not feeling like shouting from the rooftops, but I am not feeling bad and that is a vast improvement on some days.

Need to amp up the positivity factor!



et cetera