Broken Bella Donna

{January 23, 2013}   Blargh.

My baby girl, my princess, my number one girl.

I love you. Don’t ever forget that. I will always love you.

You’ll always be my girl. You were such a clown. You had a huge personality, and lots of attitude to boot but you were great for me. You taught me control, understanding, how to rule without being a bitch about it. You pushed my buttons and reminded me that I was not All That, but I was merely part of a group.

I was so, so proud to be seen with you because you were – simply – the best looking girl EVER. People stopped me in the street to tell me. You lapped it up. You knew.

You never let your disability get in the way. You never let ANYTHING get in your way. You were so stoic when faced with pain – I never knew when your health was ailing because you just battled through. I suppose that’s why it got so out of control towards the end without me knowing or doing anything to help. I regret that.

But you went out in style, exactly the way I would’ve liked you to – at home, quickly, painlessly. Abruptly, to save my anxieties. I just wish it hadn’t happened so soon! I thought we’d have longer together, to share some more memories, to let you enjoy the things you loved just one more time. To spend more time together. The three of us.

He misses you, so, so much. It’s so hard to watch him pine away, looking for you, wondering, checking to see if you’re still sneaking around when he isn’t looking. He’s miserable. We both are. I thought he’d understand, I did everything I could to help him to but… it wasn’t enough.

It’s weird without you. I can close my eyes and picture you still, I can still feel you. And yet, not.

The feelings that remain with me now, days later… joy, for the time spent. Sadness, for what we’ve lost. Pride, for having had you in my life. Relief, for knowing that it is now over, there’s no more fear. Regret, for not having done more – not that I believe it would’ve changed anything. But I still wonder if I could’ve improved quality by simply doing more.

The fact that I can write this entry, dry eyed, indicates to me that…


I have no idea what that indicates?

That it was time. We were all ready. It was a massive shock, to come on as it did, but you left this world as you came in – beautiful, crazy and ready to take on the next stage, whatever it may be.

You will never be a stereotype. You will never suffer the ills of those that went before you. You will never lose your looks, or continue down the path that was paved for you. You went in style, you sexy bitch.

Love, love, love you.


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