Broken Bella Donna

{January 25, 2013}   A disaster waiting to happen

I am worried I could trip and fall in love with you, if I’m not careful.

There. I said it.

Luckily for us both, I am careful. However.

I have never met  someone who seems to get me, like you do. Someone that is so accepting, someone who understands my idiosyncracies. Perhaps even someone who could love my quirks, for what they are.

I would not fall for you because you think I’m sexy. I would not fall for you because you were the only person interested. I would not fall for you because you liked me so much I thought I should try. None of these usual, stupid reasons I have tripped over in the past.

I would fall for you because you are, simply, the other half of my brain. I would fall for you – very, very much against my better judgement – not because I can’t imagine you not being there, but simply because I couldn’t imagine not thinking that our friendship is truly something special.

It is so very hard to put into words. Explaining it is something I still struggle with, even now. As I have said before, it is like we have known each other a long time, encompassing different lifetimes. Different relationships, different situations, but always learning and striving towards… something?

There is something so very wonderful about our silly convos, held in the witching hour. When we can express our thoughts and what we are without judgement or fear. That something doesn’t often arise in our conversations face to face though, and this I’m unsure about.

This worries me. Like my discomfort with people holding me or standing too close on either side or to the front, yet my acceptance with people hugging from behind or standing close behind me. Like my ability to say what I want to say online, but my loss of words when speaking. Like my new-found freedom after midnight when I can’t speak honestly in daylight hours.

Is our friendship situational?

It’s all very complicated.

In spite of all this… I do sincerely hope we remain friends for a long, long time. I hope we get to a point where we are comfortable with everything and things stop being tricky. We are so busy hedging around each other, trying to get the other to admit to something first that it’s starting to make things awkward, in spite of our comfort in discussing everything else.

So what would I like to say to you, should I get the chance, to clear things?

I really like you. I think you’re a crazy, crazy human being and I value the fact that you treat me so well. I will forever be thankful for how you deal with me, because I know I’m difficult, and I know I’m fucked up, but with you, that doesn’t matter. Simply, you seem to care about me. Just me. My opinion, my thoughts, my problems, my life. In a needy girls life, one who doesn’t get the support and love from those who traditionally should supply it to her, this is a Big Deal.

I worry I might be misinterpreting sheer appreciation of the above, plus good old-fashioned flirting with something more. It’s easy to incorrectly judge ‘just being nice/friendly’ for romantic undertones.  I’m scared that my misinterpretation may be causing YOU to misinterpret YOUR feelings.

I think… that when you hinted about love, that it’s true – I think we could. But I think in the way you love your friends, not the way you love your wife. And should you feel the latter, not the former, to try and ignore it because it won’t be worth it.

You are one in a million and I’m glad we’re friends 🙂

I feel a little better for getting some of that out of my system.


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