Broken Bella Donna

{January 28, 2013}  

My brain feels too full and I’m unsure what of. But whatever it is, it’s been leaving me over tired, sleeping poorly, having weird dreams and slightly headachey.

Boy am I regretting leaving the ball in your court. So many times I’ve thought of things I should’ve said, messages I should leave. But they’re all not happening because I Will Not Start The Communication This Time. That ends here and now. No longer will I be the desperate sadarse doing the running. If this means we don’t talk for eons, so be it, it will force me to step back and get my shit together. You said we would talk early this week – but that’s up to you, to reach out by whatever medium you deem fit, but you need to find me. You need to instigate. I’m weary. I don’t want to be the desperate, needy one anymore.

And I have a feeling if I’m not, we probably wont talk for ages. Which will disappointingly leave the whole thing up in the air, and probably leave you with misconceptions – hell, it’s guaranteed do because *I* don’t know what I’m doing, so how could you? – but c’est la vie.

I am just too clingy/needy/obsessive with people. I am so desperate for a friend, for someone to talk to, someone to call my own friend that I smother people. The major problem here is when that person is of the opposite sex. I end up coming on strong and it makes them think I’m interested in them. It makes me question my emotions and makes me think I’m interested in them. Everyone ends up confused, and we fall out over it, when they either run away or misinterpret and have  a crack, and I fend them off and it gets awkward, and I look like a cock tease and they look like a fool.

I have absolutely got to stick my head in a bucket and stop talking to people.

On a semi related note. This spanner in the communication works is going to affect the progress of My Big Project. As he’s supposed to be helping with the next step. Sighs.

Just how long am I going to stay online past my usual time, waiting for you in vain? When we both know you’re not going to. We both know you’re going on another of your unspecified, unexplained little silent benders.

Are things REALLY meant to be this complicated????



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