Broken Bella Donna

{March 11, 2013}  

Thoughts, flowing through my mind, like viscous blood through tired veins. Always thinking, thinking always causing distress, distress always causing behavioural problems, behaviour problems always causing more stress. Why must my mind function as it does? Why is it always with this incessant thinking? It causes me such trouble.

i often find myself wishing I had been born simple, stupid. Simple people are rarely so troubled with stupid thoughts that over complicate simple situations, with extraneous rubbish. A friend can be a friend, a comment can be a comment, a compliment is in fact just a compliment and there is no hidden insults or agendas. There’s no ‘what might they think if i did this, or said that’. Just simple meaning.

And relationships with other people would be AMAZING. I would take them on face value and it would be ok! I would not over analyse it and wonder. If I wanted to talk to you I would just talk. I wouldn’t worry if i was coming on hard or needy, I would just assume that you would be happy to hear from  me. It would not make me vulnerable, just enthusiastic.

What a world that would be.

I always sit and think… maybe I can make this world happen. Maybe I can force myself to stop over analysing. Maybe I am the beginning, middle and end of my own troubles. But it’s hard to break a habit of over thirty years in the making. It’s hard not to be over analytic. It’s hard not to think. How does one change this, without resorting to brain numbing chemicals? And that is certainly not a road I will travel down.


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