Broken Bella Donna











{March 25, 2013}  

Thud.

It’s always disappointing to be bought back to earth.

But in saying that, it’s important to be bought back down a peg. To be reminded that I’m not worth as much as I have built myself up to be, to be reminded that this fantasy life I have built in my mind is not accurate.

To force myself to remember that my standing isn’t that important. That I need to back off. That I am too emotionally invested in something that isn’t mine, and won’t be. I need to get realistic and I need to back off.

On an unrelated (but perhaps not entirely) note, I have been thinking lately about strength – what it means to have it, and when enough is too much.

I consider myself a strong person – not phsyically necessarily, but in life. I suppose I’ve been through more than my share of crap – more than some, but certainly far less than others – and I’ve learnt my life lessons earlier than many. I know stuff about myself that some others may never learn – I’m yet to work out if this is a pro or a con.

But I do consider myself to be strong. In scenarios where others will walk away, I am well known for digging in my heels. I will battle on past things that some will shy away from. In spite of my spazz attacks, I think I’m fairly level headed in negative situations and downright bullheaded. I’ve always felt this to be a positive trait of mine, one that others would admire me for, and approve of.

It’s dawning on me recently that this may not be the case. I can think of only two occasions where I have given in, thrown in the towel and not fought for what I believed in or wanted. One of those situations worked out very well for me, and removed a large spazz inducing part of my life and has in no way negatively affected me afterwards. And the other lost me my best friend, and probably future partner. That one was a big downer.

But it’s gotten to the point where I’m just sick of fighting. I’m sick of being the strong person who hides their flaws behind a smile, sick of battling against what I want because I feel it isn’t ‘the right thing to do’, sick of having to face each day as me, when I know that the me I present simply isn’t quite right. I’m sick of trying to be strong.

I have fought so hard I don’t know any other way to be. I want to find that one person I can break down in front of, the one person I don’t have to have a front for. The one person that I can say hey… this is me. I’m not feeling very strong today so you have to be strong for both of us for awhile, ok? I’ll pay back the favour.

And the bit that shits me the most? I think I’ve met this person. I think I know someone who fits this bill. But it can’t happen. I have to fight it, push against it because it’s not appropriate. It isn’t ok to follow. I have to be strong.

My pup is sitting on my knee, with his chin on the edge of my laptop, staring avidly at these words. I suspect it’s the sound of the keys that has him transfixed, but maybe, just maybe he’s reading these words. Maybe he’ll be the strength I need from time to time.

But I doubt it, little one. I doubt it.

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