Broken Bella Donna

{April 3, 2013}  

Just had an epiphany.

I’m feeling relaxed, and OK about things that have otherwise been stressing me a little lately. I think I can credit this to the puppy. Hooray for puppy!

See… I have a super active life in my imagination. I make up all sort of lovely alternate realities where I live, and I have all the things I want, and I enjoy them no end. Of course this causes weirdness in my day to day life, when I develop feelings, emotions, ideas or whatever in my imaginary world, that try to transfer themselves into real life.

When you have a puppy to toilet train and raise, to watch 24/7 and worry about, it kinda eats into your relaxation time. In fact it kills it. Instead of going to bed, reading for a lil while, then turning off the light and moving into my perfect world where everything is rainbows and unicorns, I turn the light off as soon as I jump into bed in order to settle Mr Puppy, and then I promptly fall asleep form sheer exhaustion, knowing that I’m going to have to get up in three hours and do it all again. Rinse and repeat.

No fantasy time = no weirdness in real life = less spazz for me.

This brings to mind… is my active imagination my problem? If I had a life in real life, would I not be forced to invent one? If I had other things to distract me, instead of this solitary life I’ve built for myself, would I be happier? I think back to times when I had things in my life, things that made me happy and provided me with the emotional – and sometimes physical fulfillment I required – and i realise yes, I was happier, there was much less spazz.

Is this why I try to fill my life now, with empty volunteer work? I suspect so. It works most of the time.

Does everyone else know this, then? Has everyone else worked out I have nothing in my life, and that’s why I fill every hour with pseudo life?

How do you train yourself to not fantasise about everything you want?

I know where it started. I remember. When I was in single digits, I attended a religious, monied, upper class private school as a low class, poor atheist who was bullied by everyone, including the teachers and couldn’t even hide at my fucked up home from the bullying. I built a life around me in my head, where I was happy, and the boys teased me because they liked me and the girls teased me because they were jealous. It was the only way I could get through early childhood. Sadly I’ve carried this into adulthood with me, and it still isn’t doing me any favours.

I feel very sad for Childhood Me. She should never have been subjected to what she was.

Spazz inducing occasions are starting again this coming weekend, for 2013. At this stage I’m not anticipating any problems specifically, I’m feeling quite relaxed about it though I’m sure that will change. The main cause for the spazz on those occasions is not presently a problem, which I think fixes everything. Now instead of worrying about spazzing over him, I’m worried I might just spazz over the idea of having a spazz. Oh yes. That’s one of my many quirks. I can have an attack over the idea of having an attack. What fun!

Oh, my obligatory happy thought. Hmm. Well I’m not feeling particularly stressed at the moment, and I really should be. I’m presently staring at the two cutest faces I could ever wish to stare at – and furthermore they are finally friends (with each other!). I am making good progress in The Big Project at long last and the end is finally starting to look nigh. I desperately want to be in there by Christmas and that is starting to look a little more likely. Though I’m a little scared of what what eventuate once I get there.


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