Broken Bella Donna

{April 16, 2013}  

OMFG. I am so tired. I have got to stop staying up late chatting online. I am too old for this shit.

(As a general rule of thumb, what I am about to say has traditionally been followed by a run of bad luck – but here goes.)

Life is good right now. I haven’t had any problems with spazz attacks in regards to the spazz inducing voluntary work (or, in fact, any other aspect of life); I am feeling more or less happy, and I cannot complain.

I’ve stopped over analysing every aspect of life (for now), and I’m feeling more at peace with myself than I have for some time. I credit this to having someone in my life that I feel accepts me…

Makes me wonder how much my spazz attacks are due to stress from life circumstances.   I have someone who listens to me, and accepts me for who I am, someone who (for lack of better words) loves me and allows me to be me… I relax. I accept myself a little more and I wind down. This makes sense – the whole time I was with Nerdy Ex, my spazz attacks were null and void, I was able to function as a normal person. Now the relationship has grown with Pervy Policeman, and I feel accepted again… I can do things that I haven’t been able to do for years.

I tried to tell him this last night, in a roundabout way. I owe him a lot already, he’s allowed me to find myself again amidst the rubble that is my spazz attacks. Simply by being there for me. I think I’m repaying the favour by simply being there for him, too. It seems to be a mutually beneficial friendship. Everyone wins. Well not everyone.

I do wish I could locate my happy self on my own though, without need for others acceptance, but hey I’ll take what I can get where I can get it. I have gained a best friend, acceptance, trust, honesty, comfort and relaxation all in one job lot. Perhaps this support will be the leg up I need to progress on my own. Lets hope.

It sure is funny how life works out. To finally find a bond with someone, after so long in the wilderness, to find someone who just fits. Someone who is a crazy mix of so inappropriate, yet so appropriate. An ex once told me “I didn’t know girls like you existed”… to this day I’m entirely unsure what exactly it was about me that was so unprecedented, but I can understand now what he meant. I had no idea there was anyone out there who would get me. Now I know.


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