Broken Bella Donna

{April 28, 2013}   Argh.All I wanted, not all that long ago,


All I wanted, not all that long ago, was to feel heartbroken. I felt like I was incapable of love, I had never felt love for another, I had never been taught to love by my parents, I felt I was unlovable and incapable of feeling it. I had never had the joy of unfettered love for another, that devotion and dedication that others speak of, that hollywood romance. I had never left a relationship so battered and bruised that I couldn’t conceive of life after it. I had never had my heart stepped on and brutalised. I just never cared enough for that to be a problem.

I think I might finally have gotten there. I think I have allowed someone to love me, and I think I’ve allowed myself to love in return. I think I have met that person, so far from perfect, yet so right for me. I think I’ve found the other half of my soul, that forbidden creature that I can actually understand.

And I’m too damn late. Isn’t that just typical of my life.

Ships in the night. Toot toot.

How long to I give this, to differentiate between passing obsession vs the real thing?

I feel so flat without having spoken to you, things are so complicated with us right now and you said it’s ok, but I know that it isn’t. You’re avoiding me whilst you sort things in your head, unaware that all that time I’m left to my own devices, I’m making things worse for us. My heart hurts. I’m worried what you’re coming up with. It would be so, so… expected, TBH, if you turned around and – unaware of my epiphany – told me to get out of your life. It would be the fairest thing for you two, the worst for me, but I’m kinda getting used to that.

I’m sinking into a funk again. Twice in a week. This really isn’t good. I don’t know how to keep digging myself out of this. I’m strong enough, granted, I’m not going to turn around and neck myself but everytime a bit more crumbles off, it leaves a little less of me.


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