Broken Bella Donna

{April 30, 2013}   And there, ladies and gents, it is. The

And there, ladies and gents, it is. The bullshit to come after all the good stuff, the rejection I knew was coming, just another reminder that I am useless, unlovable, second in line for all of eternity, and I bought it on myself – as I usually do.

What I would like to say to you, but won’t, because it’s just not fair…

Ok so been sitting here thinking – surprise. Remember I told you not all that long ago that for me, it was essentially like you were my online boyfriend, that I treated you as such, and you agreed? Yeah so bearing that in mind, it should come as no surprise to you right now that I feel like I’ve been ditched. By the first person I gave my trust and yeah, fuck it, my heart to in eight years. It’s going to take me some time to come around to this as a concept, us cutting all the flirty stuff and just being ‘friends’, and I’m probably going to be a bitch about it, but I will get there. This will work out, but we’re going to lose a lot in the process. I’ll be surprised if we’re even in contact this time next year. I’ve always valued the complete honesty in our friendship but now I don’t know, there’s going to be stuff I simply can’t tell you anymore which means we won’t be us, we’ll just be associates, you’ll just be another person it’s nice to catch up with, but I share no special bond with. Which is silly cause really, not much should change, it’s not like we were shacked up or anything. I just… I dunno. Suppose I know now. Even up until a few hours ago I could kid myself that I meant something to someone (even tho I had a fair idea this was coming since Tuesday night, I just had a feeling, your pumpkin comment set me off), but this is just another rejection in a long line of them. (I know – or hope – that isn’t your intention but to the ultra sensitive amongst us, that’s what it feels like. I know I’m being unrealistic and dumping this on you but bad luck) You knew I was insecure from the start. It was ‘part of my charm’ remember?

What I will tell you though is that I feel like you lead me on. You’ve always known you were married, and I did too, but you know what you were capable of in the long run and where your line to cross was drawn, and you’ve dragged me along in your wake, building up this momentum just to throw me overboard to the sharks at the last minute when things got gritty. And I fucking TOLD you, when I said about the slippery slope, when I said I wasn’t sure we should spend much time together alone, I fucking TOLD YOU this would happen, this is what I was afraid of. For this, you are a cunt.

I had an ex – the overly girly emotional one – who used to get upset with things I did or said, and ranted how hard it was because I was his best friend and the only person he wanted to talk to about it, but he couldn’t, because it was about me and I couldn’t be objective and he didn’t want to dump everything on me and make me feel bad. I feel like writing to him to apologise now. I get it.

Angry is how I’m dealing with this tonight. I will be mostly over the angry by morning, once I get it out of my system with a big wobbly tonight, so don’t worry on that front. Angry gets me past the first of the hurt. Even me, with my limited knowledge knows that’s pretty normal.

IN saying all this, I owe you a favour. You’ve removed the only good thing I really had going in my life, that I thought I might get to keep long term. By removing that you’ve taken away the fear of losing it, the unknown of when things were going to go to shit. I can go back to being just me, with nothing left to lose.

I’ve been mourning this for the last five days straight, I knew it was coming the night after. Maybe now the heartache can stop, the tears, the anger, the rejection. Now I know it’s all true, maybe I can start to move on from it.

Sadly, this means the spazz attacks are going to come back.

Happy 32nd year to me. Started out beautiful, progressed to fucked up even faster than I could give myself credit for.


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