Broken Bella Donna

{May 2, 2013}   I wish things had been different, started out

I wish things had been different, started out different, turned out different.

I wish I had told you how I felt when I had the chance – not because it would’ve changed anything, in fact it may have made things go downhill sooner, but at least then you’d know and I’d know how you felt about it.

I wish you had never come over that night. We didn’t even do anything wrong but I assume that there was so much more going on in your head than I knew, because it seems to be the crux of the whole situation. If you’d never come over, things would never have changed.

I wish I had told you to back off when I had the chance, and we could’ve kept things a bit more above board, and we’d still be friends.

I wish you’d been more honest with me about your thoughts.

I wish I’d been less honest with you about mine.

I wish I’d asked you about your stupid ‘friend’ when I had the chance. Now I’ll never find out what the hell it is and it’s going to drive me nuts.

I wish we’d logged off about two hours earlier than we did nearly every time, and it may never have come to this.

I wish – sometimes – we’d never got to know each other at all… but then I realise that I wouldn’t have missed our friendship for the world. But now I know what I’m missing in life – that close bond with someone who just accepts you for who you are, someone you can look forward to talking to, someone who helps you understand you, someone who… loves you? And I hate that I don’t have that person at the moment, and it hurts my heart.

I wish you would talk to me. Properly. I wish you would explain stuff instead of blurting out some half arsed explanation and then hiding. I wish you would speak to me like we always did, instead of saying we’ll still be friends and then talking to me like I’m someone you bearly know and care about even less. I wish you’d stop being this emotionless drone. I know you’re hiding behind the facade to make your own transition easier, but it’s making mine harder and this has all been about YOU and what YOU want – what about me?

I wish I’d never realised what you meant to me. At all. This would’ve been easier to deal with had I not had that epiphany a mere few days before you revealed yours.

I wish we were still best friends. I hope and pray that we’ll get back to that point, without all the extra stuff that makes things uncomfortable. God, I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything as much as I want that. Please, please, please try. If you don’t, part of me isn’t going to make it out of this alive.

I love you. I want you to know that. I think it’s just as friends, I’m not sure it’s anything more, but definitely as friends. How the hell can I tell you that now?


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