Broken Bella Donna

{May 4, 2013}   They say that people walk into your life

They say that people walk into your life and stay for a day, a week, a season, a lifetime… to teach you something. To help you learn, to educate, whatever.

I like that as a concept but now I’m not so sure?

I think… I have learnt something from you. I have learnt that I am capable of love for another person. Not necessarily romantic love, but any type of love at all – the heart swelling love, that leaves you happy. That leaves you feeling accepted and worthy of anothers time. The sort that makes you feel good about yourself, that makes you accept yourself and begin to, dare I say it, love yourself. The sort of love I thought myself incapable of. Is it coincidence that at the same time – the same day, possibly moment? – that I was realising this, that I found myself at long last comfortable with the thought… you were deciding that we could no longer share the bond that we had, that we had to back it off? I have seemingly learnt my life lesson from you. I do hope this doesn’t mean our connection is over, and that we will now dwindle off to strangers, ships in the night.

I wonder what I have taught you? I hope… nothing. Because if this theory is true, then this means that we cannot seperate just yet, not if you haven’t gained some benefit for having had me in your life. Perhaps you have learnt yours from me – that you are incapable of straying, whether it be physically or mentally. Which is a valuable lesson for you to learn, even if it is at the expense of our friendship.

Now all the dust has settled, I am calm. I understand that this is not necessarily a rejection of me (thought it may prove to be, yet) but an acknowledgement of the co dependant relationship we had developed. I am still sad for the loss of that relationship, because, well, I enjoyed it, but I understand that it wasn’t necessarily the healthiest relationship for us and certainly not for you, considering your circumstances. We had built it up to represnt too much, and made the other person far too important in our respective lives… to get back to what we were a short while ago – talking occasionally but regularly, having great convos without getting into four, five hour marathons, keeping the conversation above board – I look forward to getting back to that. I look forward to getting back to a wonderful friendship that no one needs to hide. It will be nice to not have to pretend, in fear of other people not understanding and misinterpreting our bond as something more.

No pretending to not be talking to each other, no lying about when we log off, no asking leading questions, no inappropriate offers or plans. God the whole thing really was starting to feel dirty to me, and I know I told you this. I know I flat out told you that we were on a slippery slope, I know I told you I didn’t like a few things you said, that they felt wrong and too secretive. Frankly, the more I think about it the more I know that you’re the one who was pushing the envelope too hard, you’re the one who was growing increasingly more inappropriate – and yet I’m the one whose being punished for it.

That (not entirely) unrelated note actually pisses me off. Really, this whole disruption to our friendship is your choice, your call, and a result of your behaviour, because it’s making you feel and look bad, and affecting you and your relationships. There’s no shame in what I’ve been doing, and I would have to change very little in order to keep everything above board for everyone. My entire sin has been developing too close of a friendship with a married man. Any inappropriate feelings I’ve had, I’ve kept to myself. I’ve never told you how I felt. In fact I flat out told you I wasn’t interested in you in that way. I never instigated the inappropriate conversations, though I suppose I could’ve shut them down better, or faster than I did. I suppose all I did was become needy, and clingy, which may have sent signals – whether they be right or wrong. And I feel like the one being punished. I lose my best friend, because you didn’t handle the situation like you should’ve.

The further we get away from my birthday, when this all came to a head, the better (emotionally)  I feel about it – sadly this is a result of me getting back to my disinterested self, the self that feels bored, disenchanted, disengaged. Which I actually hate. I loved that person I had become. I loved feeling. That person was comfortable and happy, and spazz free. That person wanted to change her life for the better, and felt like she could, because she had support. Now I’m going to go back to that misery guts I was before. I already feel myself becoming negative and bored again, I find myself questioning how I felt when I was happy and assuming that it was just a buzz, and that none of it was really true, it was just hormones, or whatever.

I need you to talk to me, like we used to, before things got weird. I need you to come and remind me of the wonderful friendship we had built up, before it started turning diabolical. I need you to remind me that I am a person who is worthy of a nice friendship. If you don’t, we’re going to lose that, and all of this pain will have been in vain and I will just melt back into the shell of a person that I can be… I need your support. More than you’ll ever understand.

Does she realise what we’ve sacrificed for her?


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