Broken Bella Donna

{May 18, 2013}   Brrr. I feel cold. But this time, physically

Brrr. I feel cold. But this time, physically cold, not cold in my being.

Feeling calmer about life. Calmer now that things have simmered down, that things even came to a head in the first place. That weird build up in my heart and mind, knowing that I was wrong, but incapable to do anything about it.  Now things have been done. Words have been said. I have been forced to back off and sort shit out.

We spoke – briefly – things were said, nothing was clarified, but most importantly  we spoke as normal, as friends, with no careful stepping or frostiness; we spoke with emotion and comfort. And that’s all I need to say on that topic tonight.

So I am feeling calm. Calmer. I did chuck a total wobbly earlier tonight, over something as silly as cooking, so perhaps I’m just incorrectly channelling my anger. But I FEEL calmer. My mind is more at peace. I am less stressed about the health of my lovely furry friends, I am feeling better about relationships in my life, I am feeling better about myself, most importantly.

I sure am a complex little bundle of fun. The older I get, the more I learn about myself, but I also find that in spite of this learning, I am still incapable of changing the parts of myself I dislike. Do I keep working on this, and try to become someone I like? Or do I work on surrounding myself with people who like me, and screw the rest? I think, deep down I am already the person that I would like to be – but it’s the negativity that surrounds me that drowns her. The simple removal of the negative black parts of my life, and the introduction and encouragement of the beautiful components – relationships with great people, forward progress, positivity – is enough to make me a happy person. I know this, because it’s happened to me before, three times that I can think of in the past decade. I need to learn to be that person without the requirements that seem to be on the table now. I need tolearn to be that person ON MY OWN.

Ah. That old chestnut. You need to learn to love yourself before anyone else can love you!

How the fuck do you learn how to do that? Especially when how you feel about yourself seems to be tied up so intricately with how others view you?

I could make a list of things I liked about myself, add a new one every day but on down days, I’m only going to look at that list and pick it apart, smear it in anger. I could ask other people and use their feedback to make myself feel better, but I’d only think they were lying, or that they’d think I was attention seeking, fishing for compliments. I could try speaking positive reinforcements to myself every day in the mirror but sometimes the act of staring into my own eyes can throw me down the well of despair. I could try meditation but finding a quiet, comfortable spot here is impossible, and the puppy does not permit!

It is – once again – time I tried making an effort. An effort to accept the person that I am, and understand that she is trying very hard to be the best she can be, and that is enough.


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