Broken Bella Donna

{May 23, 2013}   I feel like a regular bundle of uncertainty

I feel like a regular bundle of uncertainty at the present. The second catch up went well – too well in fact. He was evidently ‘having a moment’. I did not misinterpret when I thought that he wanted to back off from our friendship, this much he admitted (eventually). However he has now changed his mind and wants things back to ‘normal’. How do I interpret that? Did time spent with his wife make him feel bad, and now he isn’t spending as much time with her, he feels less bad? Did he miss me and want back what we had? Has he settled things within his mind? I don’t know, and he won’t tell, but the question I am forced to ask myself is: Do I want to allow myself, my feelings, my actions to be dictated by someone else? Will I ask how high when he says jump? Will I give in to our friendship, just to wonder how long it will be before it happens again? Or will I now hold you at arms length because you’ve tarnished the shiney wonderful relationship that we had, and it’ll never be the same?

I sicken myself when I have to admit that yes. I will do all of the above. I will let you get away with this bullshit treatment you’ve handed me for the last month, because I miss you and I want you in my life. And I have to acknowledge that you too are a damaged person, and that I have to keep an open mind – I know I haven’t always been a wonderful person to be friends with, for a lot of people so perhaps it’s time I got a bit of my own back.

But I did manage to say no when he wanted to come over and hang out. That’s what triggered all this last time. How he had the balls to think he could – even after admitting he wishes he’d never come over last time – amazes me. One day… perhaps. But water needs to pass under the bridge, things need to be resolved, and I need to be in a happier place before that happens.

And I am on my path to that happier place now.

Life, dare I say it, has smoothed out – more or less. Have been feeling some trepidation this week, unsure if it has been caused by the aforementioned Pervy Policeman or the pending spazz inducing situation this week, which hasn’t been bothering me but this is the first time it has occured in a month, so perhaps the break has been too long? We’ll find out come Saturday morning.

The health of my four legged children isn’t a concern at present (always a huge stress for me), same applies to my own. Though I have had some dizzy spells + ear issues that reminded me of The Great Potential Ear Debacle of last year. (Lets hope that doesn’t flare up again!)

The Big Project is toddling along still, slower than I had intended but any progress is forward progress! Have nearly finished the step we are on now, and the next step is a scary one – requires a lot of work from me (hopefully, if I’m any good at it) and some learning. I hate learning new physical stuff – bookwork I’m great with but I’m always terrified to fuck up physical stuff. Pervy Policeman reckons he can do it so I intended to get him to drop in and help but… we’ll see.

Homework is progressing in an upwardly fashion. I finally bought myself a prsent – a tablet (whoo!). I am not hating life and everything that is in it.

I will not be so stupid as to declare that things are going well for me – we’ve seen the results of that, time and time again – but I am happier with life than I was this time three, four weeks ago. I can see the end goals and I am working towards them again. I still feel unsure about many aspects of my life, but I can once again listen to music without wanting to stab myself in the face with a sharpened housebrick.

I do wish I could handle life better, and like myself more for who I am – not from how others make me feel. I keep wondering how different my life would be if I had felt acceptance from my family, like most others do. If I could feel like this all the time?


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