Broken Bella Donna

{June 30, 2013}   Crabby.

In such a grumpy today. Actually it feels like I’ve just been permenantly pissed off for weeks, dare I say it, nine of them.

Constantly clashing with the mothership, which isn’t new, just seems… worse lately. Just tired of being treated poorly, so I end up treating her poorly back, and it goes on and on and on. She’ll take no responsibility for her actions and tries to place the problem strictly at my doorstep but… we share a doorstep. I hope that once I move out we can salvage something but every day it seems less and less likely to happen. I can’t pinpoint what it is that makes her dislike me so much and that makes me sad.

Pervy policeman is AWOL. Haven’t spoken for about a month, he has logged on a few times – only half hour ago in fact – but hasn’t bothered to talk. I think he’s deliberately spending more time with his wife at the moment, guilt, requirement, who knows. But it seems deliberate. Equally as deliberate as the time spend avoiding talking to me. But if that’s what it takes to keep his marriage on track, I can hardly complain. Just sad that our friendship suffers for it. I suppose it’s flattering to know that I’m his weakness. Sad to know that I’ve lost someone I held so dear due to it. This also makes me sad.

The new puppy addition is making my dog withdraw, as the puppy tries to take over his spot on the bed, his attention, his family. I’m also still struggling to bond with the pup, even after three months and I think he’s going to end up liking other members of the house better than me, because he’s bullheaded and I’m the one stuck training him, so he’s going to end up disliking me because I expect him to behave where others will let him get away with things.

Sad sad sad.

Things are piling up, things that worry me and wear me down. Not to the point of spazz attacks, but to the point where I don’t have time to sort my life and crap piles up around me, making the OCD component of my brain unhappy. Everywhere I look is messy. I hate messy. Perhaps it’s time I made a list, broke things down into workable groups that I can bash away at until my life is tidier.

Ahhhh. I see what is happening here.

I’m unhappy about things I can’t control, so I’m trying to wrestle it back by ordering the parts of my life I CAN control. That systematic part of my brain just wants to know that it isn’t completely vulnerable. It can run things. This is usually where I start cooking too, I like following recipes. I’m so predictable.

Meanwhile I already feel better for thinking about this control that I’m going to gain back… so I’m predictable and easily pleased.

Time to focus on something positive, yes?

I ordered a new accessory for my camera, one I’m hoping will inspire me to make some effort and take some new photos, try and find my photography mojo. That would be nice. I have a shoot of a friends baby that I’ve been meaning to do for weeks, this should be helpful for that. I really want to do but but at the same time, I don’t want to – because I’m convinced it’ll be crap and right now I can pretend that it’ll be good… once it’s done the proof will be in and if it’s crap, I’ll be all despondant. And if it’s good I’ll be pleased for all of half an hour, then I’ll go back to picking holes in it and thinking it’s crap.

Wait, how is that focusing on something positive?!

  • new pyjamas
  • finding something you’ve never known you always wanted
  • needing something and finding it – half price.
  • blue eyes
  • perfume
  • brownies (without nuts!)
  • cuddles
  • being complimented
  • gaining the respect of children
  • clean hair
  • nail enamel (before it chips!)
  • being thanked
  • that feeling you get when you do something nice for someone
  • choc chip biscuits
  • getting sucked into a brilliant movie
  • hearing a song that seems like it’s written for you
  • catching up with an old friend
  • pizza

Well… off to make that list!

Things are… nondescript for me at the present.

I would not be so stupid as to say things are good – anyone who regularly peruses this blog will see how that’s worked out in the past – but things aren’t bad, and sometimes that’s the best a girl can ask for.

But feeling more relaxed, more comfortable with life. I can once again listen to – and enjoy music, and dance along a little. That’s a plus. Music is so intrinsically linked with emotions in my mind, and when I’m feeling disrupted emotionally, well music can become painful. As it was six weeks ago. But it’s all good again now.

All this… lack of rigidity in my mind also means the spazz attacks have abated again. So that’s nice.

On the flipside – all of this cruising in life means that life is bland. It is beige. It is just tootling along at no special speed, in no special part of town, with no special landscape, good or bad. I really shouldn’t complain – it’s quieter this way – but it seems a little boring. And the best part of me is enjoying that, because there’s no drama, no pain, no complication. But a little part of me misses having something to look forward to, or obsess over, or think about.

So where does all this leave me?

What I used to refer to as the ‘spazz inducing situations’ are still going on, but no longer induce spazz attacks, so… they’re a bit nondescript now. Just another part of my life. Which is nice! They still permit me the chance to socialise safely, flirt without worry, blah blah blah.

The four legged lovelies are still not causing any undue concern. I am still finding it strange trying to bond with the newest addition though, I think I’m still carrying some residual angst from the way I lost my girl. And anyway he’s LITTLE. And I’ve never been one for little fuzzies. I still look at him, months later and try and work out where he came from. He’s eternally a surprise. Everyone else loves him to bits though. He does make the old boy look, well, old in comparison and it’s a sad reminder that all wonderful things will eventually come to an end.

And on that segway – things are very disappointing re: the pervy policeman. I was so worried we wouldn’t get back our friendship because he’d leave, and it turns out I should’ve worried more about how I’d feel at the end of the day. He’s been knocked very much off of his pedestal. I… struggle to care that much anymore. I accept that things are not like they were and I almost can’t understand how they got to the stage they did. I can’t bring myself to be passionate anymore. I can’t bring myself to care that much. The glitter has gone, the shine has tarnished… I still appreciate him as a friend but I can’t get excited about it anymore. I would love back what we had, because I love the way it made me feel but… maybe one day. I want that excitement back. I want that fizz. But for now, arms length is what it is. It’ll do everyone good.

And speaking of wanting to go back to things I miss… I miss my passion for photography. I don’t know why, or when but I seem to have lost it. I haven’t taken a photo I loved for a long time. I think a lot of it is lack of opportunity, but it’s also lack of enthusiasm.

Frankly I think I’ve lost the enthusiasm to do anything I really love. I can’t think of the last time I got really excited over something I was doing. Hopefully it’ll come back with the decorating of my big project. I suppose as long as I’m not actively disliking everything in life that I do or touch, it isn’t so bad if I don’t actively like it either.

Life goes on… quietly, with no great joys, but with no great miseries either. And really, that probably isn’t such a traumatic thing to have.

et cetera