Broken Bella Donna

{June 8, 2013}   Things are… nondescript for me at the present.I

Things are… nondescript for me at the present.

I would not be so stupid as to say things are good – anyone who regularly peruses this blog will see how that’s worked out in the past – but things aren’t bad, and sometimes that’s the best a girl can ask for.

But feeling more relaxed, more comfortable with life. I can once again listen to – and enjoy music, and dance along a little. That’s a plus. Music is so intrinsically linked with emotions in my mind, and when I’m feeling disrupted emotionally, well music can become painful. As it was six weeks ago. But it’s all good again now.

All this… lack of rigidity in my mind also means the spazz attacks have abated again. So that’s nice.

On the flipside – all of this cruising in life means that life is bland. It is beige. It is just tootling along at no special speed, in no special part of town, with no special landscape, good or bad. I really shouldn’t complain – it’s quieter this way – but it seems a little boring. And the best part of me is enjoying that, because there’s no drama, no pain, no complication. But a little part of me misses having something to look forward to, or obsess over, or think about.

So where does all this leave me?

What I used to refer to as the ‘spazz inducing situations’ are still going on, but no longer induce spazz attacks, so… they’re a bit nondescript now. Just another part of my life. Which is nice! They still permit me the chance to socialise safely, flirt without worry, blah blah blah.

The four legged lovelies are still not causing any undue concern. I am still finding it strange trying to bond with the newest addition though, I think I’m still carrying some residual angst from the way I lost my girl. And anyway he’s LITTLE. And I’ve never been one for little fuzzies. I still look at him, months later and try and work out where he came from. He’s eternally a surprise. Everyone else loves him to bits though. He does make the old boy look, well, old in comparison and it’s a sad reminder that all wonderful things will eventually come to an end.

And on that segway – things are very disappointing re: the pervy policeman. I was so worried we wouldn’t get back our friendship because he’d leave, and it turns out I should’ve worried more about how I’d feel at the end of the day. He’s been knocked very much off of his pedestal. I… struggle to care that much anymore. I accept that things are not like they were and I almost can’t understand how they got to the stage they did. I can’t bring myself to be passionate anymore. I can’t bring myself to care that much. The glitter has gone, the shine has tarnished… I still appreciate him as a friend but I can’t get excited about it anymore. I would love back what we had, because I love the way it made me feel but… maybe one day. I want that excitement back. I want that fizz. But for now, arms length is what it is. It’ll do everyone good.

And speaking of wanting to go back to things I miss… I miss my passion for photography. I don’t know why, or when but I seem to have lost it. I haven’t taken a photo I loved for a long time. I think a lot of it is lack of opportunity, but it’s also lack of enthusiasm.

Frankly I think I’ve lost the enthusiasm to do anything I really love. I can’t think of the last time I got really excited over something I was doing. Hopefully it’ll come back with the decorating of my big project. I suppose as long as I’m not actively disliking everything in life that I do or touch, it isn’t so bad if I don’t actively like it either.

Life goes on… quietly, with no great joys, but with no great miseries either. And really, that probably isn’t such a traumatic thing to have.


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