Broken Bella Donna

{June 30, 2013}   Crabby.

In such a grumpy today. Actually it feels like I’ve just been permenantly pissed off for weeks, dare I say it, nine of them.

Constantly clashing with the mothership, which isn’t new, just seems… worse lately. Just tired of being treated poorly, so I end up treating her poorly back, and it goes on and on and on. She’ll take no responsibility for her actions and tries to place the problem strictly at my doorstep but… we share a doorstep. I hope that once I move out we can salvage something but every day it seems less and less likely to happen. I can’t pinpoint what it is that makes her dislike me so much and that makes me sad.

Pervy policeman is AWOL. Haven’t spoken for about a month, he has logged on a few times – only half hour ago in fact – but hasn’t bothered to talk. I think he’s deliberately spending more time with his wife at the moment, guilt, requirement, who knows. But it seems deliberate. Equally as deliberate as the time spend avoiding talking to me. But if that’s what it takes to keep his marriage on track, I can hardly complain. Just sad that our friendship suffers for it. I suppose it’s flattering to know that I’m his weakness. Sad to know that I’ve lost someone I held so dear due to it. This also makes me sad.

The new puppy addition is making my dog withdraw, as the puppy tries to take over his spot on the bed, his attention, his family. I’m also still struggling to bond with the pup, even after three months and I think he’s going to end up liking other members of the house better than me, because he’s bullheaded and I’m the one stuck training him, so he’s going to end up disliking me because I expect him to behave where others will let him get away with things.

Sad sad sad.

Things are piling up, things that worry me and wear me down. Not to the point of spazz attacks, but to the point where I don’t have time to sort my life and crap piles up around me, making the OCD component of my brain unhappy. Everywhere I look is messy. I hate messy. Perhaps it’s time I made a list, broke things down into workable groups that I can bash away at until my life is tidier.

Ahhhh. I see what is happening here.

I’m unhappy about things I can’t control, so I’m trying to wrestle it back by ordering the parts of my life I CAN control. That systematic part of my brain just wants to know that it isn’t completely vulnerable. It can run things. This is usually where I start cooking too, I like following recipes. I’m so predictable.

Meanwhile I already feel better for thinking about this control that I’m going to gain back… so I’m predictable and easily pleased.

Time to focus on something positive, yes?

I ordered a new accessory for my camera, one I’m hoping will inspire me to make some effort and take some new photos, try and find my photography mojo. That would be nice. I have a shoot of a friends baby that I’ve been meaning to do for weeks, this should be helpful for that. I really want to do but but at the same time, I don’t want to – because I’m convinced it’ll be crap and right now I can pretend that it’ll be good… once it’s done the proof will be in and if it’s crap, I’ll be all despondant. And if it’s good I’ll be pleased for all of half an hour, then I’ll go back to picking holes in it and thinking it’s crap.

Wait, how is that focusing on something positive?!

  • new pyjamas
  • finding something you’ve never known you always wanted
  • needing something and finding it – half price.
  • blue eyes
  • perfume
  • brownies (without nuts!)
  • cuddles
  • being complimented
  • gaining the respect of children
  • clean hair
  • nail enamel (before it chips!)
  • being thanked
  • that feeling you get when you do something nice for someone
  • choc chip biscuits
  • getting sucked into a brilliant movie
  • hearing a song that seems like it’s written for you
  • catching up with an old friend
  • pizza

Well… off to make that list!


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