Broken Bella Donna











{July 2, 2013}   Ooooh I am feeling so… beige right now.Feeling

Ooooh I am feeling so… beige right now.

Feeling blah. Blargh. Everything right now it just… to justify the means. Nothing, and I mean nothing feels like it means much right now. I feel like I’m just waddling along in life, waiting for the next day to fill with things to fill it up. I have nothing to work towards, nothing to look forward to. I get to the end of the day and it was just another day, in just another month, in just another year and I had such high hopes for this year. I did. I started it feeling on top of the world and I had much to look forward to.

I really have nothing to complain about. Not much. I have all those things you need in life to set you up to being happy, being human. Being alive. But I’m not a human being… I’m a human doing.

This all reminds me a lot of when I broke up with an ex – the last guy I ‘dated’ (as opposed to carried on a weird co dependent online relationship that translated to naught in real life) – and that was a long time ago. He opened my eyes and mind and life to so much more and made me realise I was doing nothing. So I started being something. And then it didn’t work out. And I was left picking up the pieces, with the realisation that I could have so much more in my life, but I didn’t have it. I could be so much more but I wasn’t. I wanted so much more that didn’t seem to be allowable to me. I feel the same way now, in the aftermath of… whatever that was.

Life has tapped me on the shoulder and said… Girl… you CAN. And you do. And you can ignore it and push it back and pretend it’s not there but… it is. And it’s liberating to finally understand that I can, but it sucks arse because the more jaded I get, the older I get, the less I put myself out there to find life.

So life has to find me. And it does. And then it buttfucks me and leaves without so much as a goodbye, I’ll miss you.

Grr.

With every day that passes, with every upset or let down, I turn more and more into my mother. And I really don’t want that. I want to be a happy person – I am a happy person. I really am. I am a glass half full girl, I see the positive in things and I like to think the best of people. I ask why not, instead of why? I see potential and people like me. Most of the time. But I’m shit scared of becoming that negative person who assumes that everything in life is there to knock them down, that people can’t and that things won’t work out. And I know that if I keep trying to be that great positive person, I will be, but I also know whilst I have this negative energy constantly in my ear, running me down, that it may win out. And without someone in my life to prop me up when I can’t stand on my own two feet, to tell me yes when she’s saying no, I fear it really will win.

I think it’s time to thin out my friends on facebook and delete people who I truely don’t care about, and people I don’t want knowing my business.

Advertisements


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: