Broken Bella Donna

{August 7, 2013}  

Gaaaaaaaaaah. The weird spazz attacks are back. And I don’t even 100% know why.

SO… I have a big spazz inducing incident coming up. I could even cop two of them if I’m (un)lucky. The special ones that are bigger and scarier and easier to fuck up. But I know I wont ’cause, well I don’t. I’ve had lots of experience now. I’ve put in some solid plans to prevent it happening. I’ve been calm and cool about the whole thing for two years now – so why flare up now?

Last time it was a problem, it was my sleazy ex. He’s been a little sleazy again but I’ve stopped that by removing myself from the sleazy situations. I don’t feel worried about him, so that shouldn’t be it?

Last weekend I had my last rostered spazz inducing incident, and I had a lil spazz beforehand. Nothing big, nothing worth worrying too much about but it was there, and it was enough to put the idea into my head that it could occur again. And now it’s leaving me feeling only 80% ok and 20% testy. It’s ticking away at the back of my mind and I’m thinking about it constantly… which is generally what causes the spazz attacks to happen. Round and round!

I honestly feel like it’s related to the pervy policeman. When I had his support and knew he was behind me, I felt fantastic. Now he’s gone I have retreated back to my weird introverted self. I have to drag myself out of that spazzy retreat and get on with it. It’s probably the only hangover left from the whole weird, crazy ordeal – I don’t hate him or resent it, I don’t hate my life or resent that either, I enjoyed it and don’t regret it and I do feel one day we’ll find friendship again. I just need to chuck off this cloak of insecurity now.

I need to throw this funk in the next two weeks, ready to roll. I know it’ll be fine and I know the spazz wont even last past the last ten minutes before I leave the house. I’ll be rock solid and get to the end of the day and wonder why I had all that worry. I KNOW this. I can do this shit.


et cetera