Broken Bella Donna

{September 28, 2013}  

Turns out my suspicions were within reason. The club I’m involved with WERE up to something. I did receive an award for my efforts (little do they know just how much I’ve struggled over the last few years, with the spazz attacks making an already tricky job so much harder) and now my  name is etched for eternity within the fold. Does this finally mean I’m one of them? Am I finally accepted into the local community, or at very least that small part of it? I suspect it does. But the question begs – is this a good thing? I’m unsure. But I am very flattered for having been singled out for reward, it’s nice to know that they appreciate and understand the work that goes into it, even if I think others probably deserved it more than me.

No one threw a tantrum about my absence. The woman who asked me to go pouted and carried on a bit but I don’t think is holding it against me. Oh well. They knew what I was like, their problem.

Blogs are fun, because they keep a permanent record of whatever was on my  mind that day. This is great when I read back and think “damn that was good!” or I want to see how far I’ve come… but it’s depressing when it stirs up old memories or makes me realise just how stagnant I’ve become.

Reading back this time last year, I was being all woeful about… the pervy policeman. Who I am yet to hear from and not anticipating to anytime soon. So not much has changed there, in a fashion, but so much has changed at the same time. I have no real idea where I stand regarding any of it, or what I even think… but I do feel different than I have felt about disrupted, unrequited interests in the past. I feel… patient. I am convinced that this is unfinished business but I am not rabid about it. This may change the next time we connect – that’s how its panned out in the past. A few casual meetings, then silence from him, followed by obsessive clinging from myself which calms back down to nothing until it all occurs again, months down the track. That was of course until we developed that whole mutual obsession thing. He said he wanted to go back to just catching up every few months, and that sure was safer than what we ended up in. But sad for me. For him too. Life gets in the way.

Reading back this time year before last, I was wanting to simplify life and considering Buddhism as a way of life that might make me calmer and happier. I’m unsure if I achieved either of them in the end. Perhaps occasionally, but certainly not as a regular thing.

I don’t even know why I’m blogging tonight. I don’t have anything I really want to talk about, or at very least nothing I can put into words tonight. I have much rattling around my head as usual but it cannot be put to words – yet. Hopefully soon.

My studies are falling behind. I am not motivated to do anything about that.

I have done nothing towards My Big Project for some time. I am motivated to do something about that but don’t seem capable of motivating the person I require to help me with it.

It would appear I’m going through another unmotivated phase then.


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