Broken Bella Donna

{October 8, 2013}  

Oh my.

My oh my.

What a total waste of my day that was.

So Facebook takes an eternity to load convos backwards. When your convo is 16000+ messages it takes – literally – all day. And you have to sit and watch it because you have to keep scrolling up yourself. And then when you get to the start, it freezes up constantly so you can’t read the convo in order, and you have wasted your entire freaking day trying to relieve old conversations you shouldn’t even be reading in the first place.

I think it’s an omen.

I just wanted to read the nice bits, the bits that made me feel fuzzy.  I wanted to remind myself that what we had wasn’t just rose coloured glasses. I wanted to remind myself that he really did tell me he loved me. That I was more than just a distraction. That I really did mean something.

I accidentally messaged him whilst I had the window open. Accidentally sent him someone elses reply. He read that message this morning. No reply. That’s twice I know for sure he’s been on in the last few days, I think three times, which means he’s starting to frequent Facebook again. Which makes me think he might be back in the area. And that thought started me down this path of “What ifs” to start with.

You know what? I’m doing ok. I’m doing a lot of wondering but that’s healthy for me, thinking helps me to move away from situations by coming to terms, by sorting through things. I can finally sit here and admit a lot of stuff to myself, stuff I didn’t realise or actively avoided.

Yep. I fell in love with him. I fell in love with the situation, I fell in love with how he made me feel. And I do believe he fell in love with me. Same again, situation, feelings. Do I think we’d work, had he not been married? Probably not, no. Do I think he’ll leave his wife? No and I do not want him to. Do I think we’ll be friends again? Yes. In fact before his forced time off work, we were pretty much back to where we were, but with more understanding this time around. Do I want to be friends again? Desperately. Do I think we run a risk of falling back into bad habits? Most certainly. Do I think either of us have the strength not to? No. But we both know where the finish line is, and we both know when we hit it, we’ll cross it – separately.

Rinse, repeat.

What a crazy world I live in.


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