Broken Bella Donna











{November 11, 2013}  

Sigh.

Once again I find myself in here, with no specific thing to word and yet a thousand complicated things bouncing around in my very being.

A guy is lingering around wanting my attention. It is playing out in a very similar pattern to how it did with PP, up to and including the wife. He thinks I’m beautiful. just the way I am. He wouldn’t change a thing. He thinks I can hold a conversation, that I look amazing. If he was a single man, he would be asking me on a date repeatedly. The things I see as faults, they’re nothing. I am great just the way I am. He’d pick me. He has thought that for a lot of years. He thinks I’m great. Blah blah blah. These were all his words, not mine. He thinks a lot about me, he likes me, he’s attracted to me, I’m great. I make him feel good. I’m beautiful, nice, kind, sweet, sexy, I’m Me, I’m awesome. He can say that any day, any time. I am awesome, I am ME. More of his words. Reading someone say all that about me, after having spent six months in hell, miserable after the way the first guy I fell in love with treated me, how it has panned out… being constantly run down and questioned by my mother, who treats me like shit and then plays the victim if I retaliate… is nice.

In fact those three little words “I’d pick you” bought tears to my eyes. Because that is everything I haven’t been feeling lately. I’ve just felt so down, so sad because I feel like no one picks me. No one wants me, I have always been second best. Married men want my attention but they’d never leave their wives (which I’m ok with, I don’t want a married man. But it’s the fact that I know I’m not worthy enough is saddening.) My mother prefers my sister and that’s very obvious. My friends like my company when no one else is around but they won’t answer my messages if there’s a better offer. No one picks me unless it benefits them to do so. No one seems to care about how I feel. So it’s nice to know that someone would have. Even if I’m not interested in him like that, it’s nice to know that I’m not forgotten, swept under the carpet.

I’m loving the attention but I’m also proud to report I can draw the line and have told him to watch his step. He understands. Another one that doesn’t want to cheat on the wifie, but just wants my attention to make himself feel good, I’m sure. Like PP, he wants to be loyal to the wife but wants me on the side, as a temptation. Like PP I know this guy from my past, without having been friends before. It’s a small world. Like PP this conversation was carried out between midnight and 2am, and like PP the wife was not home at the time. I’m sensing a trend.

I used to know a woman who only went for married men, she wasn’t attracted unless he was attached. It was like she had to drag him away from someone else to prove to herself she was wanted, because it meant he wanted her more than he wanted everyone else. It was sad and predictable and she’s dead now, she killed herself. I am so terrified of becoming that woman. That nothing will be good enough for me unless I’ve taken it from someone else. And that sucks arse because whilst I’ve been approached  by three married men in the past few years, I’ve never gone out and asked for this attention from any of these guys. Though I admit guilt with PP. I did enable him towards the end, when things started being reciprocated. I keep asking myself… why me? Why does every randy married guy in the area try it on with  me? And I can’t find answers. It’s been awhile since a single guy said anything!

I have a stomach ache, I think it’s a combination of carbonated drinks and the waistband of my jeans. I need to lose some fat. Stat. Even if I’m perfect as I am.

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