Broken Bella Donna

{December 31, 2013}  

What a perplexing sensation I am feeling right now.

Usually I hate new years… it makes me sad, frustrated, angry… and always leaves me feeling very lonely. This year… it really is just any old day. I don’t care. I don’t feel anything negative, nothing positive. Just… blah. Not negative. Just the norm.

So I’ve been reflecting over 2013 in the last few days. I have learnt a lot – it was not the year I expected it to be, and in some ways not the one I wanted. But as always happens, things have panned out the way they will and I will treasure the lessons that I gathered along the way, because they are what make me… me.

So? 2013. I was her bitch (as usual) but it’s ok, I was fairly submissive about it.

Key memory of 2013 is not entirely surprising to anyone who has read this blog. I fell in love, for possibly the first time in my life. Certainly the first time I’ve realised and acknowledged it for what it was. The first time I met someone who I felt truly understood me – I met my best friend, my soul mate, my love all in one package. And lost them all in one fell swoop. Trust me, eh? But I do not hate this as I probably should – I am just so pleased to have met this person and taken the lessons learnt, I am so happy to have finally realised I *can* do this, I *am* capable of loving someone. I can let them in and reveal myself. And it happened so naturally with absolutely zero effort. And I – perhaps naively – know that this isn’t the end. This isn’t over. We have unfinished business and we will be in each others lives in some capacity, one day down the track. I miss him as a friend, and valued that greatly, so if friends is all we can be, so be it. I’ll take it. But I’m not grovelling for it. Reading back on my blog, 346 days ago I said “If we ceased talking today, and never communicated again – I would be infinitely thankful for the time we have spent getting to know one another.” And that’s true. There’s been a lot of moments between that day and today when this is NOT how I felt, but now the dust has settled – it is true.

2013 took away my girl, my first ‘child’. Which was crap. But essentially I started to lose her by degrees in 2012, so the loss was prepared for and understood. Which makes it easier, but nevertheless, sad. It also introduced my second ‘son’ into my life, and whilst I love him him to pieces, I’m still worried about where it leaves my relationship with my first ‘son’. As things have changed and evolved with the new addition, and they aren’t the same as they used to be and this makes me very, very sad. He is growing older and changing with age, and I am getting daily reminders that one day he wont be with me anymore, not physically. And this upsets me no end. So I’m not going to think about it anymore tonight.

2013 allowed me to discover a love for my new figure. Ok slight exaggeration. I do not love my fat rolls on my gut, but I do love my new found curves in other areas, both north and south of the aforementioned podgey bit. I have discovered a particular brand (or two) of clothing that really makes me feel wonderful about myself, really makes me feel positive. And dare I say it, sexy. Certainly the reactions I’ve gotten from some blokes helps promote that idea, ha ha. I am once again swearing to make changes to my figure, to get a little fitter and tone up a bit. I once again acknowledge that it probably wont happen because I’m a lazy bitch and I like my food too much.

2013 bought me a new friend or two. No one particularly close (other than PP) but certainly people who have influenced the way I think, about myself and about life. About calling myself fat and hating on my body, about how I view life around me, about what steps I take to improve my health. But generally about how I view myself within my life. They have reminded me that I am great, that I am unique and this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I can love myself and I need to.

2013 bought me some respite from my spazz attacks. I am starting to get a handle on them again. I feel this was primarily because I felt accepted by another, which always helps me calm the farm, but I seemed to be able to continue on with it long after everything went to shit – and I successfully navigated the volunteer season, hooray! I do really enjoy that and I would hate to have gotten away with my intention to throw the towel in. I am glad to have persisted and to have that under my belt is a positive, because it allows me the freedom to remind myself – I have succeeded in the past, and I will succeed again.

2013 bought me progress on my big project – perhaps not the progress I had hoped for, but progress none the less.

2013 bought me the completion of my diploma. Which probably isn’t as fancy as it sounds but it makes me the first person in my family to achieve this level, and that makes me feel good! 2014 brings the start of my second diploma.

2013 bought flattery from the strangest of places. An old school friend told me he was in love with me, a married guy flattered me with the most wonderful words that I really needed to hear at the time (and basically hasn’t spoken to me since) and a neighbour flirted with me enough to remind me I’m still attractive. My married ex continued (and continues) say say or do the little inappropriate things to remind me I’m still on his radar. I always enjoy that but have identified him to have been a trigger for my spazz attacks in the past, so I’m wary.

2013 bought me official appreciation from the community group I’m involved in, the spazz inducing one. They have no idea how much I appreciate this – how hard it was for me to get to the point where i could continue my contribution, and how nice it is that all my efforts didn’t go unnoticed. The fact that no matter what happens from this point on, no matter where it goes that my name will forever be etched into the history of at least one thing… in spite of the mental battles I face. It really is something!

So I have learnt a lot this year. I have started a relationship with myself, and started and lost relationships with others. I have continued on my path towards accepting myself, and not accepting other peoples opinions of me to be fact. I have grown and evolved, both emotionally and physically and I am learning to accept this on all fronts. I have continued to reform my eating habits towards something more natural and less processed.

I hope 2014 brings me continued progress with my ability to love myself, to accept myself. I hope it brings me peace within my mind, and a better handle and understanding of my spazz attacks (and hopefully no more of them!) I hope it allows me to complete My Big Project, which I do feel will help me on my path of inner peace. I hope 2014 brings PP back into my life, as a friend, as someone who is comfortable talking to me, and I him. I hope it allows me success on my march to better health with dietary changes and the introduction of some physical benefits, whether that be exercise, yoga, whatever.

But most importantly, I hope it allows me to go to bed. The year is one hour old already, and it is time this lazy old girl went to sleep 🙂

Hugs to future me, reading this. Hopefully 2014 will be a positive year for me, or at very least I learn lessons from anything that may happen that makes me sad. I do think I’m due a break though, and hopefully 2014 will be it.

et cetera