Broken Bella Donna











{January 2, 2014}   Memories…

Re reading an old blog, one I abandoned because someone I knew in real life was reading it. I wrote some really good stuff. I like it so much, I’m going to repost some entries here, so I can remember them from time to time and smile.

2nd May 2011

Random thoughts

Why must life be full of such complicated people? One I can deal with, but multiple?

Discussing strange things with a friend. Reminds me of a memory that floats up from time to time, to settle on the upper echelons of my brain, to tease me with things that could have been, had life worked out differently…

There I was, sitting upright on my single bed, staring at the small tv parked in my bedroom. You dropped in to see me with ten minutes left to run of the movie – since it was so close to the end I told you to sit put, and let me finish and then we could hang out. We had that kind of friendship – no problems. Who cares? Things will wait, it wasn’t rude of me, we were happy to just be.

The room was gloomy as I had the blind pulled against the mid afternoon sun – my tv sat right in front of the window. How OH&S inappropriate.

I was rapt in this movie… I can’t remember what it was, but it was something old, like The Maltese Falcon, or something with Marilyn Monroe – I was heavily into old movies at the time. They captivated me in a way that modern movies simply can’t. Either way, I was completely absorbed in that fashion that inspires people to stare at what they’re viewing, with that look of faint… surprise? Excitement? Awe? Yes I suspect awe is closest. You sat on my desk chair at my desk, which was level with me – more or less – and about 2 metres away. You had the chair turned halfway between me and the TV.

With  minutes to go, for reasons I can’t remember I abruptly turned my head towards you – I suppose I sensed that you were no longer looking at the TV. You were watching me, and in the split second our eyes met in the dusky light of my bedroom, before you glanced up at my wall like you were looking at the poster of my favourite rock band at the time, with a smile and an embaressed little soft cough of a laugh…  the look in your eyes is one I will never forget. It was the same look you had when I woke that one time, and found you watching me as I slept. Only that time you smiled, and didn’t break eye contact.

It’s that look that prevents me from moving too far away from the memory of you.

Because you were looking at me like I was the only thing in the world. Like I was perfect. Like you would do anything to stay there, with me, forever.

Love, without lust, without shackles, without expectations: just pure and unadulterated.

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