Broken Bella Donna











{January 29, 2014}   It’s all made of suck.

Blargh. I don’t know where to start?

Feeling grumpy. Dunno why because the things I’m feeling cranky about are so… typical of my position in the family, that I ought to be used to it by now. And I am. But it doesn’t stop me being upset, annoyed and run down by it.

Not sure I want to get into too much detail about it here. This blog is meant to be my release, but retelling idiot stories like this just makes me sad when I read back on it later on. I suppose it should suffice to say that, as usual, the mothership is throwing me to the wolves in order to support my sibling. For the second time I have been flung aside in her haste to secure a position for my sibling. For the second time I have been offered work and have been pushed aside – almost literally – to hear “I have another one looking for work! You should employ them!” whilst I’m left wondering… why? The sibling still has the previous ‘proper’ job I was offered but the mothership pushed me out of. Why do they need two, and I need none? Oh but it gets better. Apparently I can ‘have’ the previous job now that it looks like the sibling will secure the new one. This is according to the mothership, who hasn’t bothered to consult with the actual person who HOLDS the job first. So it looks like I’m good enough to scrub toilets, but not good enough for customer service.

Thanks. That’s good to know. I know she has a really low opinion of me, but I never like to hear her say it out loud.

And NOW one of my friends – real friends – on facebook is ignoring my messages but leaving messages on the same siblings page regarding a topic they share a common interest in. That they only share a common interest in because of me, because I offered to do my friend a favour and copy this CD that they both like. Now she’s all up in my siblings grill like she was gifted a ferrari and I’m the bloody one who organised it, but no thanks for me. God help me, I know this is childish but I’M PISSED OFF THAT MY FRIEND SEEMS SO BLOODY CHUMMY WITH MY SIBLING. The sibling that everything else in life is handed to. I private messaged my friend regarding something she’s vaguebooking about and it was sighted, ignored and then she made some comment on her page about her nearest and dearest knowing what it is. Well fuck you too. I thought we were friends, apparently I was wrong.

It’s annoying enough when things offered to me are ripped out from under me and handed to the sibling by the mothership. It’s incredibly annoying when my friends seem to like the sibling better too. And I can’t help but wonder if there’s a reason why?

Why is it every time something pisses me off, I automatically assume it’s me that’s the problem? Is it? I have no idea. I have no idea if normal people know they’re  arseholes or all the arseholes I know just assume they’re more likeable than they in fact are. And then I get to thinking about how unpleasant a person the  mothership is, and how she seems blissfully unaware that people think she’s a bit of  a bitch. And then I worry that they think *I’m* a bitch and I too am  blissfully unaware. And it all spirals out of control.

I know I’ll battle through this and get over it. I know I’m mentally strong and I am equipped with the ability to shrug this off. I know this will chip another tiny piece of my soul out, and leave it to be replaced with stone. I know all of this. But it saddens me that I have to.

Why can’t my family like me? Why don’t I have any real friends that respect and support me? Hell why don’t I even have anyone who gives a shit about this pathetic, whingy blog? I really do think I deserve to be supported, I deserve to be loved. Maybe just not in this life.

At least my four legged boychild has picked up and has a bit of his bubbly personality  back. Perhaps this is a karmic tradeoff. In which case… it’s worth it.

I was about to post this but no. I will not make this another wah wah. I will post a list… of things that are good, things that are working in my favour ATM 🙂

  • Soon I will get to meet a friends baby, and I am looking forward to tiny  baby cuddles
  • Even tho things didn’t work out with the mobile phone I just bought reasonably cheap off of a friend, I have had the opportunity to buy the phone I always wanted, cheaper than I expected brand new. And I shouldn’t have too many difficulties making my money back on the one that didn’t work out for me, fingers crossed
  • My #1 boychild seems to be feeling better and maybe wont need surgery after all. I still get to get brave to take him to the vet for a checkup tho and I hate the vets 😦
  • I completed my diploma and have the certificate to prove it!
  • I just got past a really hard level of candy crush! Ha ha! (hey we celebrate the small things!)
  • My hobby that started earning me play money late last year is still going, and still earning me a little spare cash.
  • I have my health, money in my pocket, food in  my belly and a roof over my head.
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