Broken Bella Donna











{February 28, 2014}  

Soooo.

Not sure how I feel right now. Have felt slighly spazzy but not really. I think it’s because I know the Spazz Inducing Community Commitment is starting up again soon and I’m anticipating it being a problem for my mental health (that’s how my spazz attacks work – the anticipation of an attack causes attacks, and yet when the moment arrives I rarely feel spazzy, having spazzed the whole lead up…) That and the health of my old boy has been all over the shop. A diagnosis of arthritis in multiple areas and the follow up of a natural treatment has been successful. But that has left his personality change to worry about (may have a resolution on that front, just in the process of trialling it now) and a questionable (but likely innocent) bump. I’d just be rapt to get my baby boy back, personality wise. That’s the goal.

So other than that? Still hardly talking to the sibling. I thought refusing to tell them things; my concerns, my thoughts, my feelings… would be hard. But it isn’t. I’m polite, but I have no interest in giving them the ammo to stab me in the back again. I will not have my thoughts and feelings parroted back to others again. So that’s official – I have no one to tell the every day, little random thoughts that pop up. No friends, no family to tell anything to. I suppose it’s good practice for when I live alone.

Studies have started up again and I am already being slack and not doing it (must be a record). Worky stuff is still working and everything chugs along in a boring fashion, not worthy of being noted.

And I continue to think of brilliant things to blog about every time I am away from a computer and fail to remember any of them when I can actually do something about it.

And for reasons completely beyond me, at my age… lately I have been convinced that everytime is a word. And keep trying to use it.

I am sort of making an attempt to my ongoing fitness for 2014… I am (irregularly) continuing the exercise I started early in the year, and sporadically attempting the cardio I had hoped to do regularly before I wrecked my legs in the process. Motivation, inclination and disinterest are all sticking points, but then again, so is my fat gut so… dunno if what I’m doing is making any difference but surely the attempts are forward progress. I have still managed to maintain my dietary change from November last year, and I’m more surprised than anyone. After four months it might be time to try and ring in another one to join it… question is… what?

I have been joining in on the 100 Happy Days project and am up to day 14 already without missing a beat, and only cheating once by using a photo I’d taken on a different day. I’m not finding it at all hard to be happy, or find things that make me happy but struggling to find things I want to take a photo of and show to others…

On that note, I’m tired and it’s past my bedtime. But first I will try and come up with my lovely list of positivity.

  • clean houses
  • getting a sale for the mobile I bought that failed to be a success for me. So that’s that out of the way.
  • the new phone I bought to replace it, best phone ever.
  • the weather being cool enough for flannel pyjamas
  • FINALLY getting some hands on advice for the next step of The Big Project
  • when recipes turn out just right
  • aftershave
  • being greeted by snuggly pets so happy to see you when you get home
  • awesome tv shows finally coming back on tv
  • my bed x
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{February 2, 2014}  

Still feeling a bit meh. Fairly sure it’s almost entirely to do with my boys health. He is still quiet, out of sorts, not playing. Occasional fads of enthusiasm, to make me think he’s happy, then back to the panting and anxious face. Stress stress! I could give him as asprin and he would cheer up, but if he’s getting any surgery it would put it off. So instead I don’t give him any in case, then I’m too scared to go to the vets, and it gets put off anyway. I have something I’m keen to try, a natural remedy but I REALLY should get him to the vet first. It’s just… ugh.

Had a fight with the mothership and sibling  yesterday. Over the whole job thing. I came across them talking in muted tones about how I was never offered the job anyway and basically I was being a drama queen. Sibling told the mothership that I felt that the mothership was playing favourites and pushing everything offered to me towards sibling because she liked sibling better. Which is all fact, but also something we’d discussed in confidence. So I’m pissed with mothership for re-writing history to make her sound better, and with sibling for blabbing everything I said in private conversation. Both have tried pretending I never walked into a convo where they were talking about me, both are now playing the victim because I snapped at them when they tried being normal. Fucks sake. What did they THINK i would do?

So mothership has refused to eat for the past 36 hours – this is what she does when she’s feeling hard done by, she martyrs herself.

I cut my hand cooking dinner last night and no one has noticed. This childishly annoys me a lot more than it should. Due to the placement of the cut, I’ve had to wrap tape around the bandaid to hold it on, so I have white taped wrapped around the back of my hand in two different spots and tape obscuring most of my palm. You’d think this would be noticeable enough for someone to notice and look even mildly concerned that I had hurt myself making a meal for them, wouldn’t you. I’ve even deliberately placed the offending hand in line of sight twice… nope. It feels like it’s almost… representative of my life at the present. No matter how many times I put myself there and say… hey! What about me? I am over looked and no one cares about my pain.

Wow was that some self absorbed wah wah.

I feel like blogging but have pretty much nothing to say. It’s so hot today, sleeping is probably going to be uncomfortable tonight.

Happies.

  • I completed a 30 day challenge regarding my health – and hardly missed a day. Ok so I didn’t achieve the goals set, but I did keep trying instead of giving up. I’m hoping to continue it too.
  • My new phone arrived and has better coverage, so I’m happy with it and just have to learn how to use it. Now I just need to offload the other one…
  • My boychild is chomping on a bone as we speak, which is something he’s always loved to do  but has stopped recently. Hopefully this is another step towards him becoming his old self again soon 🙂


et cetera