Broken Bella Donna











{March 22, 2014}  

So much can change in five days.

Feeling good ATM. Life is playing nice. My experience is that this wont last, but meh, enjoy the roller coaster ride.

Taking positive forward steps with My Big Project and after a false start, am really pleased with the progress. Hopefully that step will be complete within the month, a big step that has been playing on my  mind for well over a year.

My boys general health and temper has improved. The scary health scare has been checked, concerns have been cast aside (for now) on the immediate problem, and the lesser (but long term) problem has settled. And his surprise change in personality that has been bugging me seems to be abating at present, which was the thing that bothered me the  most. Huzzah! My boy is creeping back to me, bit by bit. Why he went away may never be known.

I’m taking new steps towards my healthy future, and time will tell if they end up a permanent part of my routine or not. Fingers crossed. I am still on the bandwagon for the November 2013 change and a bit half arsed with the January 2014 change so… I have another potential healthy idea on board ATM – originally for the dog, but it’s something I can incorporate into my diet too that’s oh so healthy. So maybe?

Small naggy concerns around for my studies and the spazz inducing voluntary commitments which start shortly. But nothing dramatic, so far.

It’s the little things that are falling in my favour at the moment… overseas purchases being exactly what I wanted… my footy team winning… the big project… my boy. The weather! I’m having a good run at present and I hate hate HATE the fact that whenever this happens that cynic part of my brain whispers “Give it time”. The ebb and flow of life means that this WILL happen. Things will go your way, and then they won’t. C’est la vie. I need to learn to accept that and enjoy the good bits, and take the bad bits on board as lessons learnt. Every cloud has a silver lining, even if sometimes it’s hard to see.

I’m trying very, very hard at the moment to remind myself… will this matter tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Next year? I need to learn to stop playing things up and making drama where it isn’t. I need to stop looking for things to stress about. I need to be zen!

Happies?

 

  • My ‘jobs’ are all chugging along well
  • I am getting glimpses of my baby boy again which is more than I was getting this time two months ago
  • The weather is starting to cool off, which means slippers, jumpers, pyjamas and less fitted clothes that don’t hide my podgy belly
  • I’ve realised that I’m not tolerating lactose as well as I thought and that’s a certain cause of some of the podgy belly
  • My hair looks so awesome longer, and I am yet to get any pressing urge to chop it off as I usually do
  • The noises dogs make when they’re stretching or yawning
  • The smell of vanilla
  • Doing something yourself and doing it well
  • Cadbury creme eggs
  • Blankets
  • Breathing.

    Winning at life x



{March 17, 2014}  

My heart hurts.

I was forced to step backwards nearly a year, to find a photo I sent you that I no longer have access to without finding it in our convo,one I wanted to show another friend. Sadly, I forgot that I shared it with you that night, merely hours before all the shit went down that broke our friendship apart, and took my heart with it.

I just read the last hour before you came out. The last hour we spent online being us.

Then I read the fall out immediately after.

Thinking of you, and what we had, my heart physically hurts. Literally. There’s a pain in my chest, a heavy feeling. A clutching feeling. I have tears just behind my eyes.

I miss us. I miss the me I was whilst we were talking. I miss the future that I knew wasn’t realistic, but at least it was within my grasp if i just ignored the little things in the way. I miss you.Why can’t we be friends?

Perhaps everything I’ve typed here tonight is why we can’t be friends.

I want to know if you ever think of me. I want to know if you believe everything we told each other. I want to know if you actually want us to be friends again. I want to know everything.

I want you to know I love you. I want you to know I never expected anything of you. I want you to know I absolutely never expected you to cheat on nor leave your wife, that I accept this is a quirk of fate. I want you to know that I am so, so utterly delighted that we met and that you made me feel this way, because now I know I can. I want you to know that I can deal with all this because I know… I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but I know that we will be together again. Not necessarily romantically, or sexually, likely just as friends but I know it’s not over – I hope it is in this life that we connect again. I’ve never been sure how i felt about ‘past lives’ etc but I know that this life is not the first one we’ve met in. And it wont be the last. But I do hope we get another chance at this friendship in this one.

My heart feels better now.



et cetera