Broken Bella Donna

{March 17, 2014}  

My heart hurts.

I was forced to step backwards nearly a year, to find a photo I sent you that I no longer have access to without finding it in our convo,one I wanted to show another friend. Sadly, I forgot that I shared it with you that night, merely hours before all the shit went down that broke our friendship apart, and took my heart with it.

I just read the last hour before you came out. The last hour we spent online being us.

Then I read the fall out immediately after.

Thinking of you, and what we had, my heart physically hurts. Literally. There’s a pain in my chest, a heavy feeling. A clutching feeling. I have tears just behind my eyes.

I miss us. I miss the me I was whilst we were talking. I miss the future that I knew wasn’t realistic, but at least it was within my grasp if i just ignored the little things in the way. I miss you.Why can’t we be friends?

Perhaps everything I’ve typed here tonight is why we can’t be friends.

I want to know if you ever think of me. I want to know if you believe everything we told each other. I want to know if you actually want us to be friends again. I want to know everything.

I want you to know I love you. I want you to know I never expected anything of you. I want you to know I absolutely never expected you to cheat on nor leave your wife, that I accept this is a quirk of fate. I want you to know that I am so, so utterly delighted that we met and that you made me feel this way, because now I know I can. I want you to know that I can deal with all this because I know… I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but I know that we will be together again. Not necessarily romantically, or sexually, likely just as friends but I know it’s not over – I hope it is in this life that we connect again. I’ve never been sure how i felt about ‘past lives’ etc but I know that this life is not the first one we’ve met in. And it wont be the last. But I do hope we get another chance at this friendship in this one.

My heart feels better now.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: