Broken Bella Donna

{May 9, 2014}   My life of argh…


First week – big life-for-the-next-few-months-will-now-be-debilitating-due-to-a bad spazz attack. Get a big charge of THIS HAS TO STOP! and start talking hard about going to the doc and finally doing something about it. Get all excited and YAY LIFE! every time I think about taking that step. Discover an associate has been prescribed drugs for stress.

Month later…

Second week – Stupid spazzy all day before, and start spazzing on the morning. Borrow stress drug from associate and take that – within 15 mins, relief. Spend the rest of the  morning feeling like something is missing, that there is a hole in my thoughts because I know I should  be spazzy but I’m not? Day continues more or less as normal with small spazz briefly. Get super excited about taking the next step and actually book appointment with doc.

Two days later – doc appointment. Get fairly spazzy leading up to. Matters are made worse when my appointment is bounced an hour back and I have to wait even longer than anticipated. Babble madly at doc and somehow get what I want anyway (after doc declares the whole thing to be ‘exhausting’). I am officially medicated for spazz attacks. On an as needs basis, nothing permanent.

3 days later – today. Tomorrow is the third Spazz Inducing Occasion for the year. I feel a little spazzy but in a more normal way (I think)… I don’t know if I should take the meds tonight, to settle my brain from over reacting or not. I suppose it’s so late now it’s probably not worth it. I’ll just wait until tomorrow morning, see if I need them and take one then? Part of me hopes I do, so I can take one, have it work and be reassured…. most of me hopes I don’t, because frankly I’m just sick of them.

It feels like I’ve been sitting on the fringe of a spazz attack (if not actively having one) for over a month now. It’s doing my head in. When I’m not feeling like I could go at any minute, I’m jumping for joy at the fact that I (at first) felt brave enough at last to go see a doc, and then (after) elated that I finally did it. I have daily pain in my upper back from tensing my shoulders and neck, and reoccurring pain in my lower back from tensing.

But lets not ignore the fact it’s taken 17 years but I got there. I saw a doc. IS THAT NOT THE MOST EXCITING THING EVER? Now all I can think about is what happens if it doesn’t work out? What if I have another attack even after I’ve taken a pill, and I’m back to square one? Blargh. Stop it.

This is possibly the biggest step I’ve taken in my adult life – if i can reign in the spazz attacks, I can start doing stuff that everyone else does. I can start living my life instead of sitting back behind a curtain, peeking through at everyone else living theirs and wondering why I have to miss out. If I can cut off spazz attacks at the start, I will stop assuming that they are around every corner. I will forget about them being a drama. I will know that even if one does arise, I don’t need to worry about it – I can just pop a magic pill and it will go away. The mere fact of knowing I can get rid of them should be sufficient to stop them – that’s how it works. It’s all anticipatory for me.

Even if this isn’t the LAST step, it is the FIRST. And the first is the hardest to take. I need to remember that… remember that I have taken the bravest step someone like me can take. I have looked it in the eye and said ENOUGH. I want my life back. I’m tired of dodging events because  I might spazz. I’m tired of lying to people and making excuses as to why I don’t do things. I’m tired of not taking opportunities because I’m too scared. I’m tired of being stressed out, tense, angry, unhappy and regretful.

I think it’s time to be me. It’s taken over half of my life,  but hopefully 🙂

Back is trying hard to chuck it in again. Might throw back a panadol and go to bed, try and get some sleep and pray to Henry that tomorrow brings a lovely start and an awesome day.

Happy things?

  • Ongoing progress on My Big Project, and we’re getting better at it so there’s some help yet for a semi professional finish
  • Put my #1 boy on a new supplement that has really worked for him and hardly a sign of problems ATM
  • snuggly bedsocks for cold nights
  • might have finally found the best shampoo and condition for my hair? Watch this space
  • being awesome x

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