Broken Bella Donna











{August 26, 2014}  

I have the most immense headache. And shark week is nearly upon me. And I’m just utterly, thoroughly… over it all.

I’m not going to sit here and bleat about how I don’t UNDERSTAND and WHY do I feel crap. I know what it is. It’s my silly brain being brainy.

It’s a combination of things, all around the one topic – the spazz inducing voluntary commitment. The surprise one last weekend. I was mentally prepared for only ONE of these extras tagged on the end. Now don’t get me wrong, last weekend was successful, and I didn’t even spazz out about it. But it turns out my brain was only prepared to go through the thought processes, the planning, the extra running around for only ONE of these and that’s been done. And now I have to back it up again and do it all again in a mere few days time and I can’t bring myself to give a shit.

That, coupled with the fact that I’ve got that standard ‘brain checked out long before the commitment has ended’ problem.

I am tired, constantly. My back and shoulders are pretty much permanently sore like I’ve been doing physical labour all day. I’m yawning and looking for bed within an hour of getting out of it. I can’t concentrate and I simply don’t care. My appetite is gone and things I’d usually look forward to don’t interest me that much. I’m forgetting to do stuff that I’d NEVER forget to do. On the flipside I also can’t bring myself to get stressed out about things that would usually bother me, which is both a blessing and a curse. Perhaps this is what ‘normal’ people feel like – this disinterest in being spazzy. This laconic ‘oh well close enough’ attitude.

I cannot wait until the day after the last commitment. I’m relying on bouncing out of bed, free of spazz hanging over my head, ready to get stuck into all the things I’ve neglected to do. Dunno what I’m going to do if that doesn’t eventuate. But I’m planning on celebrating all the same!

Tomorrow I get to work on My Big Project. Sadly slightly out of order of what I’d hoped, but hey progress is progress. It’s all good. Just makes a little more work for me down the track but it won’t cost me anything and that’s the important thing!

I’m going cross eyed with the effort of keeping my eyes open and concentrating.

  • Remaining spazz free in the face of triggers
  • How adorable my boys are and their ongoing health and well being
  • Progress on MBP
  • Successful new recipes and cooking techniques that are healthy!
  • Finally doing my tax return
  • having the ability and energy to get jobs done, even when I don’t feel like it
  • Winding down in bed with the boys playing on my tablet

 

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So my entire life – or at least since I was 12 – I’ve embraced my weirdness. Heavily bullied and ostracized in primary school, I hit high school and said fuck you to the majority. I was going to be the  minority and I was going to damn well enjoy it. If I wouldn’t be accepted I would go out of my way to stand out. And I did. Not so much in high school, where I was rebelling against the norm and finding my feet, but by the time I hit college I was giving the bird to the sky and deliberately drawing attention for not fitting in. I dressed differently, I acted differently, I reacted differently, and the biggest insult to me was to tell me I was normal.

I’ve carried this desire to this very day. There’s too much ‘normal’ in the world and it’s the minorities, the ostracized, the 1%ers who make a difference. Because they’re not so preoccupied with what everyone else is doing to forge their own path… they’re not so busy following the trends. They may not be making the trends but they’re damn well following their own lifestyle.

As an ‘adult’ (and i use the term loosely) I’ve maybe… melted back towards the norm a little. I still hold very different beliefs, I still have a very different lifestyle. I don’t do what society wants me to do, I do what I do. I don’t follow the sheeple and a lot of people hold low opinions of me because of this. Standing out and being a little inappropriate is cool and accepted when you’re a teenager and maybe twenty somethings but when you get older you stop being interesting and start being weird. It’s not until you’re 50+ that you get to be eccentric. And I really don’t care about that. But I thought I was doing it discretely… not because I want to hide it, but because it’s how it has panned out. I suppose I have less opportunity to be ‘interesting’ now I live (very) rurally, it was easier when I lived in a big city. Sometimes it’s inappropriate to dress ‘differently’ when your clothing has, ahhh, not PG comments on it and you volunteer around kids. Sometimes you have to keep your opinions to yourself because you’re representing something bigger than you. So I suppose I had just been chugging along in my unique life, flying under the radar. But it dawned on me today… I haven’t.

I’ve been picking up on little comments lately. One friend (who is very left of centre) telling me she likes me because I refuse to toe the party line and I’m not afraid to be different. Another new friend on facebook telling me she’d happily accept my friend request because I’m not a pack follower. It looks like I AM still unique and without a single shit in regards to people who don’t like that.

 awesomeI love that.

I am weirdly delighted that I have held onto my me-ness (hur hur rhymes with penis!) throughout everything, and that no matter what has happened along the way, I haven’t lost that.

In the last year or so I have just… come across realisation after realisation in my head. I have sorted ducks into rows, I have folded the washing that has been hanging around the inside of my head for… my whole life? I have started to realise where I fit into things, and I have come to so many conclusions about myself, developed understanding about so many things. It’s like my development was waiting for one single incident. One single occurrence before I could develop any further, and that has occurred and the floodgates have opened. Realisation is mine and it has opened me onto the rest of my lifes path, or at very least the next step. I briefly wonder how far behind I am, if everyone else achieved this before I did and then think… I am handed all the knowledge I need, when I need it. I am learning my lifes lessons if and when. These things can’t be rushed. The whole thing is very zen. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING that happens to me… I review it and instead of thinking “That was a bad thing” I think “What did I learn from this?”

So.

I thought I had a fortnight to get my head around the last spazz inducing episode. Turns out I do not. There was another one being held in my area, but I wasn’t responsible for it. Those who were responsible backed out and asked me to take it on. I stupidly said yes. So I not only have one this weekend, but another six days later. That guy who may or may not be involved in my spazz attacks WILL be there. And the whole thing will be tits up as the order will be wrong and the people will be wrong and when you’re a little OCD in your tendencies, all this fuckery may be disastrous for me. I’ve been hustling trying to get everything organised and do not have the luxury of throwing my hands up in the air on the day and declaring I can’t do it, as there’s no one to replace me in the morning. Hmm. What can I learn from this? I am surprisingly not spazzing about it (yet) and hopeful that I’ll keep reasonably calm and all will go perfectly. Perhaps (I’m hopeful) this will be a dry run for the very last one, which WILL be huge and WILL be stressful. Maybe this is the bridge to boost my confidence ready for that. Lets hope!

Progress on My Big Project is coming along swell, even thought I (once again) have been let down by people who wanted to help. Good news is so far so good on the current step, looks like I can do it myself with no issue or cost. And fingers crossed it might even look good.

And…

  • my boys are both well
  • I look damn good in leggings
  • My niggling tendon pain has finally receded
  • I’ve just about finished my seasonal job for now
  • I FINALLY got to purchase something I’ve been wanting FOREVER and kept missing out on when it was restocked
  • I’m enjoying cooking for the household ATM with successful new dishes
  • I love my snuggly warm bed, esp on nights like tonight
  • And now I’m going to go appreciate it

Out x



{August 16, 2014}   Not Happy Jan.

Have had a handle on  my spazz attacks again lately, they seemed to drift off as quickly as they set in. Until recently I had no idea why, and then I think I hit paydirt.

There was a guy there. He recognised me from our childhood, tho I still have NFI who he is. There’s something about him… that makes me nervous. Apprehensive. I got to thinking that perhaps my sixth sense picked up on something and wanted me the hell away from him. I realised that the first day I started to settle down, he wasn’t there… in hindsight he hasn’t been there for weeks, and I have been calmer for weeks. I think these things may be related? Even tho I was nervous BEFORE the first game, BEFORE I knew he was there and my sixth sense ain’t THAT good.

I just found out he’s back. The regular Spazz Inducing voluntary commitments are over, but as per usual there’s one tagged on the end (expected) and that’s going to be twice as big as usual. And now I know he’ll be there. When I saw his name my heart leaped into my throat. It stopped cold. Ugh.

I have a fortnight to get over it. I need to reason with my brains.



{August 14, 2014}   Dem feels.

Having a bit of a feeling frenzy lately, which no doubt has been reinvigorated by my brief online interlude with PP the other night. He has woken my emotional brain, which had been cheerfully lying dormant for some time. Waiting.

Tonight I am thinking (with fondness) about that word, say it clear now, L-O-V-E love. How in spite of my lifelong fear misunderstanding avoidance inability lack of it, I have been fortunate enough to have been on the receiving end from some wonderful, beautiful people who deserved for me to care as strongly for them in return. As much as I would’ve liked to have been able to reciprocate this love, I couldn’t at the time and that caused me a lot of emotional and even physical pain. I’ve got to wondering… now I have developed and grown emotionally, now I have come to understand yes I CAN ‘fall in love’… could I have fallen for any of them now, should the situation have been different and should they walk into my life now? I suspect the answer is no. For whatever reason, I think I had to meet and lose these people in order to get to where I am now. And anyway, it worked out for the best as nearly every one of those people ended up way, way better off anyway.

The first one… at least the first ‘proper’ one… ah, teenage love. It’s all giddy excitement and hee hee hee. Nervous and shy. Emotions blossom. Buds of Spring. I think he wrote it, in a letter before he said it. But we wrote a lot of letters in that Summer – we were the stuff crappy Hollywood love stories were made of. Then it went to shit one wet night on the road. If he walked into my life right now? (Impossible) Maybe. But just as likely no.

The second one… the one of many firsts. First who I fell hard for, first for me to consider serious thoughts about. “She asked me if I was in love with you, and I said yes”.  Until recently I thought the first one I fell in love with, but now I realise no, not quite love, but close. He was my  best friend for years, and it took one poor decision to ruin everything. Many happy memories and had things turned out differently… it’s taken over ten years but at last I am ‘over’ the way things ended and can look back at the relationship (that was never a relationship) and smile. If he walked into my life right now? With the history we have, not much of a chance. As a new person, it could happen.

The third one… I don’t specifically remember the first time he said it. Because he said it a lot. A LOT. Sometimes when you say something enough, it loses its strength and just becomes… almost mundane. It becomes part of the furniture and you take it for granted. Like he did. Never date someone because they’re your best friend and you just assume it will grow. It won’t. Feelings just get hurt. If he walked into my life right now? With the history we have, no. As a new person, probably not. As a friend sure, but as a potential partner, no.

The forth one… used to tell me in the most beautiful way, poetic and flowery prose which sadly I cannot recall. Which really speaks volumes. I wish I could, and one day I will but… so desperate for my attention, but terrifying all at once. The friendship imploded and he left my life absolutely mentally unhinged with desire and I missed him for years as a friend and feel awful for how the friendship ended, but when one party feels so strongly and the other feels nothing of the sort… If he walked into my life right now? Certainly not, for his sake and mine.

The fifth one… “I do love you, in my own way”. A declaration, but with a hidden clause. The only time it’s been said to me and I haven’t been entirely trusting of WHY. 55% heartfelt, 45% dickfelt. The only time he confessed it out loud, he was in the throes of dealing with a family health crisis. Outside of that it was a text message… “Something behind my left rib tells me you and I should be together”. That’s about as romantic as you can hope to get from his type, I suppose. My shortest relationship but possibly the one that left the most impression, my most… ‘grown up’ relationship. I still have lingering feels for this one, but not the sort that will produce anything. But nice warm fuzzies that are good to look back on, on emotionally rainy days. Ones that occasionally rear their head when the 55% pushes the 45% back and I am reminded of what could have been. He’s still in my life right now, but should the occasion arise? If circumstances were different, perhaps. But they’re not. So no. Even tho (after becoming engaged) he did inform me I’d ‘always be his hearts strongest desire’. Oh that boy knows how to try and talk his way into pants.

The sixth one…is well documented here. Never said the words in the traditional sense, hinted all around them. Do I think he meant them? Yes I do. Did I feel them too? Yes I did. Should the occasion arise? I very much suspect so. But they won’t.

Special notice to a seventh who casually indicated in a Facebook status of mine that he loved me. Wut? When pointed out via PM that now everyone ‘thinks’ he is, his answer was “thinks? that’s ok with me, but you should make an announcement that in no way have you encouraged me lol”. I’ve known him for 17 years and knew he had feelings in the verrrrrry long ago past, so this came as a surprise, nearly as surprising as his cavalier attitude.

Seven sweet, lovely guys who deserved to fall for seven sweet, lovely women. Maybe they had to learn something from me first, before they could achieve that nirvana they so richly deserved. Maybe I had to learn something from them (and learn I did, from each and every one). Compassion, how to protect myself as an adult,the importance of always holding some cards to your chest, to protect the feelings of others, that I am sexy, that I can love myself and that you can maintain a friendship in spite of feelings, if everyone is grown up… these are the lessons (in order) I have learned. I just wish so many people didn’t get hurt in the process.

Hats off to you, my alphabet of men. For being you, for being wonderful. For looking past the complexities and seeing the potential. For making me more like the me I can be.



{August 13, 2014}  

drunk

I love this. So. Much.

My first instinct is very likely the real answer. But if I dwell on it I come up with a few more potentials, for varying different reasons.



{August 12, 2014}  

I really want to blog tonight, I feel the need to type but words aren’t coming very easily.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. About how things happen for a reason, people come in and out of your life for a reason. I’ve been thinking back on experiences, people, relationships… wondering why?

Maybe it’s true and sometimes the reason isn’t very clear.

I like to have faith in the whole universe thing… karma… fate… etc. I like to think that everything I need to learn and experience in my life (this life?) will come to me in some fashion or another, no matter what I do, no matter the decisions I make in life. And they’ll come to me in the order I need to learn them, at the time I need to learn them.

I suppose I’ve always felt this way but it has become much stronger in the last few years. It really should have kicked in when the brain damaged ex had his accident, tho I was only young. Perhaps it should’ve been more evident after that, when I was able to start distancing myself from it a little. But it became much more apparently when communications broke down with important people in recent years… and I ask myself, was this the result of maturity, age and experience? Or circumstantial?

I feel like my life has been extraordinarily rich in experience. But then I realise it has been so in comparison to other first world people I know. And that perhaps I have moved in very sheltered circles? I’ve never known the feeling of going to bed with an empty belly, or having to sleep outside, or being genuinely afraid for my life. The sort of things that come regularly to some born into much less fortunate lives than my own. On the flip side I have come to understand the resigned, ongoing tension of living in fear of your own parent, the unbridled joy of watching your partner respond to your voice after six weeks of coma and six months of being apart, the exhilaration of simply NOT having a spazz attack when you were so sure you’d have one.

But I often wonder… how has spazz attacks molded me as a person? What have I learned from them that I couldn’t have learned from a less personally offensive avenue? Why did someone close to me have to have such a life altering incident occur? What surely could they have learned from that, on their life path and why did I have to be involved, what could I possibly gain from that? Why must I be plonked in a family with so little respect for each other, only abuse? I have spent a lot of time wondering these very matters. And I’m yet to understand… perhaps spending my late teens/early twenties with him kept me away from other people who may have taken me down the wrong path. Maybe I met someone in amongst all that angst who will have a greater influence on my life down the track. Maybe being mistreated has taught me greater compassion and understanding. Maybe this is all bullshit and I just drew the short straw.

And then there’s the people. I have had many people walk in and out of my life – frankly nearly as many have walked out that walked in. I suppose that comes with having a prickly personality. Of all those people there are a small number of big game players… people I needed to meet. Some of them have left me under unfortunate circumstances, some I have driven off, some left me. I have a policy that the ones that stick in your mind are the ones that stick in your heart. I have had two such people. There’s been others – many I’ve known more intimately or personally than others, some for longer – but they don’t flit around the periphery of my brain like these two. Interfering in my thoughts, making me wonder for years afterwards where they are, what they do, if they ever think of me. Oddly, the second one usurped the first. He no longer pops up in my thoughts or dreams anymore. The first has been replaced. And yet, he hasn’t – he was never someone I felt I *knew*. In hindsight, I suppose he was the first guy I really felt something for, something serious. But at the same time I struggle to consider what I felt for him was ‘love’. But I think he was the first person to feel that way about me. I never felt we were connected, I never felt we were meant to be. Like his successor, we never even dated. But he was my best friend for a long time. The second guy… he is blog history. As well documented on here, I *did* feel we were connected, that we have known each other for a lot longer than just this life. I *do* know what life lesson I was meant to learn from him, and I have put it into place now and am learning more each day. He *has* positively affected my life. and I *do* know we are not done.

In fact, every time I think about it… I smile. And then I ask myself – how can you sit here and smile about the concept that your ‘soulmate’ (for lack of better words) belongs to another? That you’ll never fully have him in this life? And the best (and only) answer I can come up with is… I already have him. I have his heart and he has mine. I don’t need the rest? I don’t entirely want the rest. I just need to know he exists, and I do. He does. And he knows it too. And I still have faith we’ll be able to continue to be in each others lives, maybe not in the capacity I’d have hoped, but the fact is we are. And I’m holding out for the chance to be his best friend again.

I desperately want to sit back and do a little “eyes closed, fingers flying” blogging again soon. I have another one in me, I can feel it. Problem is it’s about PP again and argh. Every blog entry.

I need to end on some positivity (not that I feel like this blog entry has been negative, but I just do).

Pajamas
Business’ that have good customer service
Sunny winter days
Progress on My Big Project
Compliments
Being respected
Understanding when to walk away
Warm socks
Sleep.



{August 9, 2014}   Blargh

I just… I dunno.

Feeling a bit agitated tonight. Could be the close game in the footy, could be the fact I have my second last spazz inducing occasion tomorrow. Could be the fact I was a bit naughty last night, feeding my ego.

As Ms Spears said… oops, I did it again. I saw him online (he’s been popping up a lot lately but I think that’s a family thing) and thought fuck it, I’ll call him a name and see if he responds. He did. We ended up having a nice hour long catch up, a proper one for a change instead of the stilted bullshit that has been occurring. Answering questions, volunteering information, engaging actual conversation, – albeit conversation littered with him making slightly inappropriate flirty comments. Instead of just vanishing offline he actually said he was going and said goodbye.

He ended the convo with a x.

This is the first time in… hmmm… maybe a year I’ve walked away from a convo with PP feeling like I spoke to HIM. Not the frosty persona he has been putting forward, the monochrome version of himself that he feels he needs to present to protect himself from ‘us’. This is both a good and a bad thing. Good because I thoroughly enjoyed it and it made me smile and it made me happy. Bad because that dormant part of my brain that I’d managed to shut up (with a combination of realism, distance, time and good old fashioned emotional self abuse) has been fed. If he stepped slightly to the left last night, and took that tiny step backwards… he still feels it too. He hasn’t forgotten either.

It’s still there.

15 and a half months later, 15 and a half months of only seeing each other from a distance, not speaking face to face at all, of barely speaking online… I thought I was romanticizing things, because this was the first time I’d fallen so hard. I thought I was probably just a regret of his, that he was bored and lonely and he let it get out of hand. That he probably had someone else to flirt with now and I was just a “remember when?”. It would seem not.

So what to do with this info? Feel good. Be reminded that everything I’ve believed about us reconnecting one day down the track is likely true. Stalk facie chat for the next week and think constantly about it. Over analyse. The usual, then?

I was really hoping that confidence boost would assist me with spazz inducing occasion tomorrow. Not sure it mightn’t have just made me worse. Tomorrow would’ve been the last one but I managed to score an extra big one tagged on the end, which I was kinda expecting. Last time I was pretty good, hoping tomorrow will be too. Tho tonight I’m fidgeting and tense in the shoulders, which I do when I’m winding up. But I’m also hogging into the food which I don’t do when I’m winding up… time will tell. I’ll know in 8, 9 hours time.

Oh, last night also bought flirty convo from an old college friend. The one who is helping me with the current step of My Big Project. Apparently if he was the marrying sort he would ‘wife’ me. And other comments, mostly about me being sexy, or some such. This is not the first time this has happened – PP is online and making me flirty so I just flirt with anything with a dick. Apparently I am that fickle. I’ll be seeing him on Sunday with luck, to help and hopefully it wont be awkward or worse yet, hopefully he wont try anything on.

Maybe that’s the reason behind my tenseness tonight? Worrying about him trying it on?

I’m finally tired. I should go to bed and try and sleep, and hope like crazy the morning brings peace in my head.



et cetera