Broken Bella Donna











{August 9, 2014}   Blargh

I just… I dunno.

Feeling a bit agitated tonight. Could be the close game in the footy, could be the fact I have my second last spazz inducing occasion tomorrow. Could be the fact I was a bit naughty last night, feeding my ego.

As Ms Spears said… oops, I did it again. I saw him online (he’s been popping up a lot lately but I think that’s a family thing) and thought fuck it, I’ll call him a name and see if he responds. He did. We ended up having a nice hour long catch up, a proper one for a change instead of the stilted bullshit that has been occurring. Answering questions, volunteering information, engaging actual conversation, – albeit conversation littered with him making slightly inappropriate flirty comments. Instead of just vanishing offline he actually said he was going and said goodbye.

He ended the convo with a x.

This is the first time in… hmmm… maybe a year I’ve walked away from a convo with PP feeling like I spoke to HIM. Not the frosty persona he has been putting forward, the monochrome version of himself that he feels he needs to present to protect himself from ‘us’. This is both a good and a bad thing. Good because I thoroughly enjoyed it and it made me smile and it made me happy. Bad because that dormant part of my brain that I’d managed to shut up (with a combination of realism, distance, time and good old fashioned emotional self abuse) has been fed. If he stepped slightly to the left last night, and took that tiny step backwards… he still feels it too. He hasn’t forgotten either.

It’s still there.

15 and a half months later, 15 and a half months of only seeing each other from a distance, not speaking face to face at all, of barely speaking online… I thought I was romanticizing things, because this was the first time I’d fallen so hard. I thought I was probably just a regret of his, that he was bored and lonely and he let it get out of hand. That he probably had someone else to flirt with now and I was just a “remember when?”. It would seem not.

So what to do with this info? Feel good. Be reminded that everything I’ve believed about us reconnecting one day down the track is likely true. Stalk facie chat for the next week and think constantly about it. Over analyse. The usual, then?

I was really hoping that confidence boost would assist me with spazz inducing occasion tomorrow. Not sure it mightn’t have just made me worse. Tomorrow would’ve been the last one but I managed to score an extra big one tagged on the end, which I was kinda expecting. Last time I was pretty good, hoping tomorrow will be too. Tho tonight I’m fidgeting and tense in the shoulders, which I do when I’m winding up. But I’m also hogging into the food which I don’t do when I’m winding up… time will tell. I’ll know in 8, 9 hours time.

Oh, last night also bought flirty convo from an old college friend. The one who is helping me with the current step of My Big Project. Apparently if he was the marrying sort he would ‘wife’ me. And other comments, mostly about me being sexy, or some such. This is not the first time this has happened – PP is online and making me flirty so I just flirt with anything with a dick. Apparently I am that fickle. I’ll be seeing him on Sunday with luck, to help and hopefully it wont be awkward or worse yet, hopefully he wont try anything on.

Maybe that’s the reason behind my tenseness tonight? Worrying about him trying it on?

I’m finally tired. I should go to bed and try and sleep, and hope like crazy the morning brings peace in my head.

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