Broken Bella Donna











{August 14, 2014}   Dem feels.

Having a bit of a feeling frenzy lately, which no doubt has been reinvigorated by my brief online interlude with PP the other night. He has woken my emotional brain, which had been cheerfully lying dormant for some time. Waiting.

Tonight I am thinking (with fondness) about that word, say it clear now, L-O-V-E love. How in spite of my lifelong fear misunderstanding avoidance inability lack of it, I have been fortunate enough to have been on the receiving end from some wonderful, beautiful people who deserved for me to care as strongly for them in return. As much as I would’ve liked to have been able to reciprocate this love, I couldn’t at the time and that caused me a lot of emotional and even physical pain. I’ve got to wondering… now I have developed and grown emotionally, now I have come to understand yes I CAN ‘fall in love’… could I have fallen for any of them now, should the situation have been different and should they walk into my life now? I suspect the answer is no. For whatever reason, I think I had to meet and lose these people in order to get to where I am now. And anyway, it worked out for the best as nearly every one of those people ended up way, way better off anyway.

The first one… at least the first ‘proper’ one… ah, teenage love. It’s all giddy excitement and hee hee hee. Nervous and shy. Emotions blossom. Buds of Spring. I think he wrote it, in a letter before he said it. But we wrote a lot of letters in that Summer – we were the stuff crappy Hollywood love stories were made of. Then it went to shit one wet night on the road. If he walked into my life right now? (Impossible) Maybe. But just as likely no.

The second one… the one of many firsts. First who I fell hard for, first for me to consider serious thoughts about. “She asked me if I was in love with you, and I said yes”.  Until recently I thought the first one I fell in love with, but now I realise no, not quite love, but close. He was my  best friend for years, and it took one poor decision to ruin everything. Many happy memories and had things turned out differently… it’s taken over ten years but at last I am ‘over’ the way things ended and can look back at the relationship (that was never a relationship) and smile. If he walked into my life right now? With the history we have, not much of a chance. As a new person, it could happen.

The third one… I don’t specifically remember the first time he said it. Because he said it a lot. A LOT. Sometimes when you say something enough, it loses its strength and just becomes… almost mundane. It becomes part of the furniture and you take it for granted. Like he did. Never date someone because they’re your best friend and you just assume it will grow. It won’t. Feelings just get hurt. If he walked into my life right now? With the history we have, no. As a new person, probably not. As a friend sure, but as a potential partner, no.

The forth one… used to tell me in the most beautiful way, poetic and flowery prose which sadly I cannot recall. Which really speaks volumes. I wish I could, and one day I will but… so desperate for my attention, but terrifying all at once. The friendship imploded and he left my life absolutely mentally unhinged with desire and I missed him for years as a friend and feel awful for how the friendship ended, but when one party feels so strongly and the other feels nothing of the sort… If he walked into my life right now? Certainly not, for his sake and mine.

The fifth one… “I do love you, in my own way”. A declaration, but with a hidden clause. The only time it’s been said to me and I haven’t been entirely trusting of WHY. 55% heartfelt, 45% dickfelt. The only time he confessed it out loud, he was in the throes of dealing with a family health crisis. Outside of that it was a text message… “Something behind my left rib tells me you and I should be together”. That’s about as romantic as you can hope to get from his type, I suppose. My shortest relationship but possibly the one that left the most impression, my most… ‘grown up’ relationship. I still have lingering feels for this one, but not the sort that will produce anything. But nice warm fuzzies that are good to look back on, on emotionally rainy days. Ones that occasionally rear their head when the 55% pushes the 45% back and I am reminded of what could have been. He’s still in my life right now, but should the occasion arise? If circumstances were different, perhaps. But they’re not. So no. Even tho (after becoming engaged) he did inform me I’d ‘always be his hearts strongest desire’. Oh that boy knows how to try and talk his way into pants.

The sixth one…is well documented here. Never said the words in the traditional sense, hinted all around them. Do I think he meant them? Yes I do. Did I feel them too? Yes I did. Should the occasion arise? I very much suspect so. But they won’t.

Special notice to a seventh who casually indicated in a Facebook status of mine that he loved me. Wut? When pointed out via PM that now everyone ‘thinks’ he is, his answer was “thinks? that’s ok with me, but you should make an announcement that in no way have you encouraged me lol”. I’ve known him for 17 years and knew he had feelings in the verrrrrry long ago past, so this came as a surprise, nearly as surprising as his cavalier attitude.

Seven sweet, lovely guys who deserved to fall for seven sweet, lovely women. Maybe they had to learn something from me first, before they could achieve that nirvana they so richly deserved. Maybe I had to learn something from them (and learn I did, from each and every one). Compassion, how to protect myself as an adult,the importance of always holding some cards to your chest, to protect the feelings of others, that I am sexy, that I can love myself and that you can maintain a friendship in spite of feelings, if everyone is grown up… these are the lessons (in order) I have learned. I just wish so many people didn’t get hurt in the process.

Hats off to you, my alphabet of men. For being you, for being wonderful. For looking past the complexities and seeing the potential. For making me more like the me I can be.

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